[in_it]

Ok, I'm sitting in my car & can't get myself to get out & get in the gym. I've broken down & can't keep from crying.

Wondering if I should just ask H to leave? My fear is if I do & he leaves that it truly would be the end. I don't want that.

If I could just get through the next couple of days & let things cool down, maybe things will get better? I don't know? Can I make it? Can I make a few days? Can I make it on my own without H in my life? Do I ask him to leave? I'm a mess. A big fat mess.

I would love to call OW & tell her everything. Not gonna do it, but boy do I want to. I know it would backfire, but the immediate relief I would feel would be awesome. I wish she would just go away.

H has told me in the past that she hates being the OW & it gets to her.

Was on the computer in the middle of the night & saw Hs google history. He had googled 'divorce in xxxxx (our state)' & 'children psychology in divorce'. It crushed me. I read some of the articles under the children search. I hope he did too. Not many positive things there, especially regarding our daughters ages & the fact that they are girls.

Why does H continue to give me hope on some days? I don't understand. Is he confused, or just toying with me?

I need some serious help. Maybe I should leave? Where to? What would that do to the girls? How would that affect them? Us leaving our home & them being without dad? Maybe I should start telling everyone we know about what is going on when I see them? What would H think about that?

I know I'm rambling, sorry. I know none of these thinkings are for the best. I've just got to get it out of my head.

I wish H would wake up & make a move. I hope he can see my strength with standing for our marriage & showing him unconditional love. I hope he sees that me not getting angry or letting him see how I'm really feeling is helping. I hope that my acting as if & going about my day to day life is a sign of strength to him.