What's Going On?!? - Cautiously Contemplating

[needgrace]

hi RT,

you did great on the phone. way to go! i love what Juststunned is saying on semperfi's thread about keeping military bearing. i was wondering if you could use that in any wayas a reminder...

i think it may be similar to keeping in the moment, observant and present trying to be open to her experience without letting thoughts/feelings take us away.

((((((((((((((((((((((RT))))))))))))))))))))))

[Positivespin]

I already have plans with some friends tonight myself. GAL. Nothing has changed but my WAW has been weirldy nice to me for the past few days. GAL. Focus. PMA

[/quote]


YES YES YES YES YES - You deserve the super secret power ranger merit badge trophy of the day!!!!!!!!

AMEN and keep kicking a$$

Have fun tonight!

[Valeska19]

Look at this upcoming visit as an opportunity...

You said you don't get to DB much around her... so now is the time.

Listen and Validate to what she says... especially the 1st one.

Be postiive. Let it radiate from you. As if you had an awakening.

Show your best self. Pretend if you have to, but try to be real.

Give her something to miss....

You can do this!

[RealityTrip]

Thanks everyone!

The day is upon me. At some point today my WAW will be coming back to the house for an indefinite amount of time.

I'm going to be OK. I will read 37 rules this morning and get started with my plans for the day. I have no idea when she will arrive and it does not matter. (this is my independent self lecturing my co-dependent self)

I am going to focus on some chosen 180's during our time together:

1- Experiencing the moments rather than trying to control them or the outcome because of fear of being hurt.

2- Listening fully without planning my response in my head before my W is done speaking.

And most important, I will not ask about her AP, her A, or the supposed "ending".

I will GAL. I will be me.

[bustingout]

RT, how is it going? We are here for you and believe in you! Sending you positive thoughts and energy ((((((( ))))))

[RealityTrip]

Hello supportive friends. So, she called me on Saturday from the car. Crying. Telling me she was not coming home until the following morning and that she wanted to be honest with me. She was going to spend the night with AP. I simply told her that these choices were hers to make. I would talk to her later. She insisted that we speak more, she was "so sorry", she "doesn't know why she continues to hurt me", she "doesn't know what's wrong with her", "she doesn't want to go but she is being pressured and guilted". I listened. I told her again that these decisions were hers to make. We hung up and I didn't even cry. I was calm. After all, She's just my WS to WS things!

When she got here yesterday I was surprised at how early it was. She has a 3hr drive from AP to our house and she was here before lunch. She asked me to go to lunch with her. I accepted. I caught her snooping through my phone. I didn't react or get mad. I am an open book. She never used to do that before.

At lunch she started to open up about her A for the first time ever. She described how it felt to regret not telling me from the beginning and described the A as a snowball that she couldn't control. (I do not understand not being in control of where you lay your head at night but I just listened.) She does not trust the AP. She caught her lying to her. And get this... the AP has been unfaithful. Go figure. It was nuts. I listened to MY wife describe how she caught her AP lying, that her AP had an "emotional" connection to another woman, she knows they have kissed but nothing else. I couldn't help it. I tried not to but the words just flew out of my mouth... "Remember when you told me all you had done was kiss?" Geez it felt good to say that.

Cut to... WAW is confused, hurt by AP, doesn't understand how I can even look at her, she feels shameful, and guilty. She described snooping in her AP's phone logs, email, etc... She commented that she had thought to herself "This is what RealityTrip felt like."

So their fantasy house of cards is crumbling. She asked me at the end of lunch, "When I come home will you ever be able to trust me again." I answered, "If I didn't think I could do the work to build a better marriage I wouldn't be talking to you right now. We will need to talk about it if you want to come home. I will not be in a M with you while you are in an A with her. You would have to end the A completely."

She asked if she could kiss me. I let her.

She is out of town for business until Wed. night. I leave for vacation with my friends on Sat.

I don't know what I think or feel about the sitch. I'm still processing, but I'm OK. That textbook "one last meeting with AP" info was unwanted but expected. Aggrivating but not surprising.

The cheater is being cheated on... good grief.

[~ kd ~]

Oh, so very well done, RT.

I am sure that "truth dart" felt good to say. Of course you understand (as she let you know) that she already understood YOUR "reality trip", now.

Keep doing what you are doing. So pleased for you.

[Mimi00]

Congrats to you--you've done a great job in handling this situation thus far. Keeping going strong!

[RealityTrip]

Thx KD. And Busting for checking in.

I've been thinking about this: Saying one thing but meaning another only to get hurt when my W doesn't "read my mind."

Last night I kept wondering in the back of my head, "Will she call me at bedtime?" Now, my W and I have had very little communication since 4/4 in order to put some protective space around myself and give her room to sort out her life. So for her to all of a sudden call me at bedtime is unrealistic.

But when I dropped her at the airport after lunch on Sunday, I said to her, "Take this time in "X" city, focus on your job, don't worry about me or AP. Don't worry about calling, texting, or anything else. Just do you." (a little DB advice)

She texted me when she landed that she was thinking of me and missed me. Yesterday in the morning she texted a question and we laughed at the answer I gave. That was it. So why if I truly meant my advice to her, did I get my feelings hurt that she never called in the evening?

I know DB'ing is counter-intuitive actions but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about my whole life, our entire marriage. Why at some point or another do I not say what I mean or want? And worse, say the OPPOSITE to her and then expect her to magically know I wasn't being honest.

Here's an example from Sunday where we were both doing this: She called from the car on the way to invite me to lunch. I accepted. We discussed that a Sunday mimosa would be good. I asked if I should go get lunch and have it here, she said 'no, she would pack quickly and we could head out'. When she arrived she said she was going to run up the the store to get a bottle of champ and oj so we could sit on the porch with a mimosa. I said I would go, she countered she would, I said I would go with. She decided to let me go alone while she packed.

So... later at lunch, when the honesty was flowing from her, she told me it bothered her that I didn't have mimosa's ready at the house when she got there and that she wanted me to step up and say "I will go while you pack". I responded, "I was upset that you expected a mimosa after I thought we settled it on the phone and since you decided not to come back last night and were only here for 3 hours I was just going to ride to the store with you in an effort to make the most out of our time and was upset that you stayed back."

We both immediately started laughing. It's all so ridiculous so why do I do that? Why didn't she just say "I'd love a mimosa when I arrive." Why didn't I just say "Let's ride together and then I'll help you pack."

I think it's these little untruths we speak that are like bricks in a wall of resentment. This is going to be a new 180 goal for me. A change I would like to see in my communication with others and in the communication within my marriage.

[labug]

What you're doing isn't counter-intuitive, it's failure to communicate your needs.

Somewhere along the line you learned that your needs weren't important and perhaps you think to have needs makes you needy. To appear strong, you express your needs in a convoluted way or don't express and figure if people really love you'll they'll figure it out.

When they don't magically figure it out, you're hurt.

Sound familiar?

Learn to express your needs. This has been a difficult step for me.