I AGREE TOO - i say it, mostly to keep fortifying myself. i'm not sooooo wounded- i don't like it- and i still want to "fight it" most of the time - the notion that 37 years were nothing at all.
to h -it would seem it was indeed nothing at all. he happily risks it all- he also (i believe) thnks i looooooveee him sooooo much i'll never ever give up on him-us. he is sooooo wrong.
i fairly twitch i want to just out with it - soooo bdly. then remind myself i can't actually afford myself - and i really really need to go slowly and prudently and not burn any bridges before I AM ABSOLUTELY ready. it might be smart or dumb- i'm not sure. it's soooo me- who i am deep inside- prudent to the bone when it comes to impending danger.
i see him as more of a threat alot - than anything else. threat to my happiness - roof over my head - welfare.
looking back( yueah, i know everyone says don't do it) i'm trying not to - but little things pop into my head. things that now i say and feel - ah ha! so that's what was going on.
i'm getting notion more and more i've spent my entire life with him being way moredeluded than i'd ever have thought.
him too- mainly that he's such a nice guy and the things he buys me or does for me somehow were compensation (for me not knowing what a jackass he is/was about flirting- cheating? lying?)
i stop myself tho- because really- it's only hurting me to begin to reexamine so long. LIKE MWD SAYS in one book- we all know how we got here- now, what are we going to do about it?
so anyway- i worked another day. i keep teling myself it's something- perhaps it could turn into a fulltime job. when i interviewed with the superintendent of schools (a nice guy- we got on good) he said same ting. that people find it sometimes does. it's not much- but it's more than a week ago- working when they call.
i'm going to go find a few garage sales and garden while it's cool and nice - if i don't do it in the morning when i'm at my best - it s not likely to get done.
keep around- perhaps we can fortify each other into getting the heck out there in life and doing it.
what are you doing about gal thing? how are you feeling about your h? any insights or new detachment tips to offer? are you feeling and getting a bit more detached and less decimated? it's taken me a long long time - and even still i have trouble letting go and thinking of never seeing him in my life again.
i'm, not sure- what's your position on being in each other's lives as something different - not a mate? i'm pretty much thinking we're "in love" or we're not happening. he thinks (apparently) we should stay in each other's lives and be friends or something- what a joke. he's no body's friend that guy. he apparently thinks he keps ow and whoever else he want sto be boinking- and i sit around like s tupid ole doorstop to drag out when it suits him.
near as i can figure? wtf- what's your sitch with that? maybe you've got something you're thinking that will help me find my way?
