yay for you- remaining calm- not letting his anger "touch" you or diminish you.
it was same with my h- his anger- need to criticize and pick - just bash around. now i know it was because he was cheating and lying - so the anger was (WHAT???) his guilt- his knowing what he was doing and not me - you? just a thoufght.
for some reason h is pleasant since i found out totally what the heck is up with him and ow- i don't know if he feels like he's "not so bad" now- or he thinks he's got to be nice to keep me around (which he doesn't want anyway - so why bother i'm thinking more and more?)
your h- wonder what his "anger" is. i know it's at himself and he says he's a loser- what is making him a loser tho? thihnk it's his guilt pure and simple? i get tangled up here- whether they've got mlc & separate issues from their lives - or they're cheating guys what can't hack life's "sameness" (which, lets get real- is all it is really) (we value it- they spit on it) - so they go cheat and have excitement that way.
you sound good tho- it is hard as heck to "get a new life" and harder still to figure out how you'll afford yourself when h has been paying bills. i'm not a jerk- but i know realistically i'm older, it's a crap economy and there are a million college kids out there looking for jobs. i know i've got alot to offer that they do not- it's geting the chance to show someone it - or meet face to face.
i'm sure it's doable tho- you can have kids kicking in for "rent" that will be huge for awhile. you're sure sounding free inside -
Quote:
I need my time filled but it's still such and effort, at least I am content w H's absence, not like last yr when I was in such a dep, and fog of my own.
it's been an entire almost two years for me to be emerging from my "fog" - what a long long time- i feel embarassed a bit to not have shot right out into a new life immediately. (well, on one hand) - on the other- slow and sure is much more my m.o. in life- and i still think- the prudent way to go. keep biding your time and straightening yourself and your brain out i'd think- if he's icky but content to hang in there paying bills- i'd think we'd both be crazy to rush out to no job and poverty to "make a point".
i'm feeling more and more like my h is gone too. perhaps he never ever was what i thought. i know it's stupid to do and fatal- looking back with full knowledge now. i can see things that were his selfishness now in a light - that i never cxuld. remember we said they were "quirky" and you and i were both accepting of their idiocyncracies? well, now i'm thinking perhaps i make too many excuses for hm - to myself most of all -
i'm a bit "deadly" this morning. on weekends when he sees ow and i know it- the deadly quality of his silence and indifference has a totally sinister and detrimental effect.
i wake up and first thought is - you're alone- and he's on his way out. he may not think it or know it (or maybe he does? who the heck knows?) but you do.
i still don't like it- or like the idea - i know we both struggle like mad with the man and life we had- and want it back- today, you are CORRECT in your other post that maybe it's not possible. we're just waiting for our new life to get an equal strangle hold on us and drag us (kicking and screamng no doubt) into that new future.
hard, isn't it? to "let go" of what we THOUGHT we had, were, would be doing til we croak, etc.?????
you're sounding very strong and good tho- and it's helping me to be accepting also. IF they never "return" - in any sense- we won't die of it.
this a.m . i'm thinking my h is a selfish and pretty much cruel (even if it's by default) man. he COULD HAVE mitigated these circumstances any time over the last ten years if he was soooo unhappy. to have let me try and try and try some more to understand - fix it - etc. well, i can't put one bit of good spin on it.
maybe they are like greedy babies and all they want is to be happy and fed and cared for and not one thought in their pea-brains for who is doing it and what it means to them (really) . i guess we'll both find out.
yay you for the activities - you'll feel so good to be around people who like you and value your company and presence. we are definitely soooo much more than "good ole _________" sitting around the house awaiting their favor.
ONWARD AND UPWARD MY DEAR- IT stinks but we can do it-
no body says we have to be perfect at it- or like it- or even stop "fighting it" - but i guess surely and slowly whatever our new future is, it'll come and wack us on the head and we'll have to keep inhaling and do it.
ta da- not quite positive- but resigned? is tht something???
did i say i worked again friday-librarian (i love books & libraries) in the elementary school. laughed alot- didn't inspire much respect or fear in the ratty little boys one wants to wack on the head and tell to go home. BUT - another day under my belt- one bit less daunting the incredible madhouse these schools seem like. .... one more bby step for me too.
xxoo hang on- we can do this - (i was GOINg to say "i hope" - but i'm not- i'm saying we can do this - I KNOW IT.
