[in_it]

I'm too trusting. His flight was not delayed. He was with her. I'm so ticked off right now. I knew my gut instinct was right. I hate myself in a real bad way right now. How can I keep putting myself through this? I'm afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up.

I have to think about my girls & baby. I can't wait to see how he acts tomorrow! I'm sure it will be business as usual.

I am so freaking mad. I have to stop thinking about this. I do so good for so long & then backslide & it seems like it takes days to get over it emotionally.

Tomorrow is a new day, I CAN do this.

I want to confront him about it so bad. Somebody please tell me all the reasons on why that is not in my best interest. Thank you.

[Papa4Life]

Hi in_it. Man, that's weak of your H to do that. Saying his flight was delayed. That's pretty typical of a WAH.

But something like that shouldn't be enough to pressure you to backslide on all the very positive progress you've made in DBing. You've been there on my thread a couple times offering encouragement when I was in the "negative zone, so I'm here to return the favor: you're a good person and great mom, and the best way to deal with this is to focus on yourself and the kids.

He knows that what he did is wrong (and pathetic and weak), and I would bet pounds to pennies that in his mind he's hoping that you'll get all LBS on him so he can convince himself of what a bad person you are and hence get some justification for the pain he's caused you. I say, let him think about what he's done and leave him alone with his conscience. That's a much harsher punishment than anything you could dish up. In fact, that really gets to the heart of DBing, doesn't it? You leave them alone to consider their actions, and you redirect the energy you would have used on pursuing and wrestling with your emotions towards making yourself happy. That's what I think you should be focussing on right now.

And not only does that spare you the pain and turmoil that H is stirring up, but it really makes you much more attractive as a person. I read somewhere that scientists have discovered that people are seven times as likely to be considered attractive just by putting on a smile. So take that as encouragement to not only slap a smile on your face but, in a sense, to make everything about you and everything in your life a smile. See what I'm getting at?

[azguy]

Hi in_it, What are you planning for this weekend? I hope you can get out and find something fun and relaxing for you.

Sounds like you are in a mood where it is best just to avoid H at the moment. All the stuff with what H was thinking and doing with his flights are on him. If you can detach you'l be able to deal with this much better.

What would you say if you confront him? Maybe write it out just to get it off your mind.

[uRworthy]

Hi sweetie. I'm wondering how you know all of this.

Doesnt really matter, but, it really is not in your best interest to find these things out.

I want to tell you something. I used to imagine all these things about h and ow. And I came to find out, most of the time, it wasnt how I imagined.

But the doesnt matter either.

Theirs is a relationship that isnt built on love and honesty. It is built on lies and deception. She is with a married man. He is broken.

And because he is, he is using her as a bandaid.

The very best thing you can do is to let that house of cards play out.

Worrying about it, obsessing about it, isnt going to change the outcome. It isnt going to fix your h, it isnt going to get you to where you need to be.

All of that doesnt serve you well.

What does is you putting the focus on you and your children and your new baby. What does is you becoming the best you.

So that if your h looks towards you in the future, he will see someone of strength and courage.

I dont really care about him right now, though, In.

I care about you. You really need to let him blow in the wind right now.

Leave him to figure himself out. Getting yourself worked up about it is not good for you.

You got this, I.

[RealityTrip]

How can I keep putting myself through this? I'm afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up.

....I have to stop thinking about this. I do so good for so long & then backslide & it seems like it takes days to get over it emotionally.

Good morning InIt Late night for you. You know what I realized when I re-read all of my posts and the advice everyone has given me? We move at lightening speed compared to our spouse's emotionally, spiritually, and in terms of growth.

It's not a bad thing, every relationship has that dynamic. It's one of the reasons we all found ourselves here. Then we do the work, get healthier, feel stronger and they do another dumb, typical WS thing and it hurts because we have brought them along in our hearts and heads to where WE are today.

Expectations are what hurt us. He cannot hurt you. Your unfulfilled expectations of him can devastate you.

There is no reason to confront him. He is still your WH, doing WH things. The InIt train is pulling out of the station. Make him wish he was on board!

[in_it]

Thanks to all of you. The encouragement is very much needed.

uRworthy-I know this because I called the airline. I couldn't get his excuse out of my head.

p4l-Right now I think my backsliding is just mental. He doesn't realize I know. However I did question him when he first told me, an hour after he should've already taken off, by asking him what changed his mind to move his flight & why didn't you tell me sooner? That's when I got the whole delayed flight excuse.

I hate it also because he told our daughters all week he would be home before they went to bed. It kills me. If we don't make it through this, I hope he realizes that someday they are going to get older & mature & start asking questions. He has said from day one that he wants to make sure how everything would be with the girls. He doesn't not wan to see them everyday & he would be moving far away & doesn't know if he could handle it. Well, I'm not sure we can handle what is going on currently.

D7 had had some problems at daycare & at home with her sister & me. The way she has been treating people & talking to them is not nice. We had a long talk with her this morning. When D7 left the room H told me I better get it together & start handing her because it is only going to get worse. I asked what do you mean? I think our talk went well. He said, when I'm really gone for good & not just a week at a time or so. I said when's that going to be? He said he had no idea.

azguy-I think right now if I confronted him I would just ask him why the lies? Tell him I'm not stupid & I know his flight was not delayed & he switched it & there is only one reason he would do that. More than anything, I think I just want him to know I know. I don't like looking like I'm such a gullible fool. I would also ask him if & when he is going to tell OW about the baby. I'm pretty sure he hasn't, I'm almost certain it will be a deal breaker for her. He has told her we sleep in separate rooms & quit ML the day they started. She believes him. I know I've posted about it before, but I just want her to know so bad. I know it is not going to fix us by any means. I just want them to have some problems. Some big problems. No little argument over something petty. Something big-like hey OW my wife is 7 weeks pregnant. I'm thinking that's pretty big. Maybe it's selfishness come out or I'm just jealous & bitter. Whatever it is, I can't let it go.

Reality-you're right. I need to slow down. My worst problem is my mind. I'm just glad that for the most part I can keep it contained in my mind (or let it out here).

Oh, and Hs bag wasn't at baggage claim when he landed. I'm chalking that one up to Karma!

Off to the gym.

[in_it]

Ok, I'm sitting in my car & can't get myself to get out & get in the gym. I've broken down & can't keep from crying.

Wondering if I should just ask H to leave? My fear is if I do & he leaves that it truly would be the end. I don't want that.

If I could just get through the next couple of days & let things cool down, maybe things will get better? I don't know? Can I make it? Can I make a few days? Can I make it on my own without H in my life? Do I ask him to leave? I'm a mess. A big fat mess.

I would love to call OW & tell her everything. Not gonna do it, but boy do I want to. I know it would backfire, but the immediate relief I would feel would be awesome. I wish she would just go away.

H has told me in the past that she hates being the OW & it gets to her.

Was on the computer in the middle of the night & saw Hs google history. He had googled 'divorce in xxxxx (our state)' & 'children psychology in divorce'. It crushed me. I read some of the articles under the children search. I hope he did too. Not many positive things there, especially regarding our daughters ages & the fact that they are girls.

Why does H continue to give me hope on some days? I don't understand. Is he confused, or just toying with me?

I need some serious help. Maybe I should leave? Where to? What would that do to the girls? How would that affect them? Us leaving our home & them being without dad? Maybe I should start telling everyone we know about what is going on when I see them? What would H think about that?

I know I'm rambling, sorry. I know none of these thinkings are for the best. I've just got to get it out of my head.

I wish H would wake up & make a move. I hope he can see my strength with standing for our marriage & showing him unconditional love. I hope he sees that me not getting angry or letting him see how I'm really feeling is helping. I hope that my acting as if & going about my day to day life is a sign of strength to him.

[in_it]

I get a daily email of encouragement from KLove radio & just as I was finishing up my last post I got this:

Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.

Perfect timing or what? I'm going with it! No more pity party.

[in_it]

Got myself together & went in the gym.
Stopped & picked up lunch on the way home.

Trying to keep myself busy. After lunch, showered & helped the girls fix their hair. D5 has a soccer game in an hour.

Need something to keep my mind clear this evening. I'm pretty sure we will all be staying in. I'm so tired. How will I look to H if I take a nap? He has no idea I'm feeling all of these emotions or that I was up all night last night.

[uRworthy]

In it, you are spinning a bit. It happens.It's best not to make any major decisions while you are.

Can you find something to do later or someone to talk to?

Listen, I know this is so hard. And having young children and being pregnant makes it 100 times harder.

I understand all the things you want to say to her and to him. I do. But I can promise you this, it may make you feel better for a moment, but, it will not get you the results you want.

If anything, it will move them closer together. They will become a team against you.

It will be, see Init, she didnt listen to me. In his mind, it will validate whatever it is he has imagined is the problem with you.

This affair will not last. They rarely do. How can they? Look how they started? He is married and broken, she is an ow.

But that doesnt really matter right now. You have to decide if you can outlast it? You have to decide if you can do this, sweetie.

It is ok if you cant.

But if you think you want to try, then you have got to stop questioning him, looking up his google history, etc. That stuff doesnt serve you well.

You have to live your life as if he isnt going to be in it.


Let him blow in the wind right now. This is his journey and he has to figure it out on his own. Because the more you interfere with it, the longer it will take him to do that.

Become the best you. For you and your children. And if he ever looks to you in the future and you want him, he will see a woman of courage and strength.

Let him go, In. Let him go.