Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Thanks NLW-I guess I just feel done. I so wanted to avoid the legal system, hoping that things wouldn't go this far. As if the heartbreak and betrayal weren't enough, add the kids pain that I see daily, lets add on money issues and throw away responsibility for everything. Me, yes, you don't love me, I get it. But evrything else seems so wrong.

I am hating that I have to go petition to the courts. I am not sure if I am going for just support or divorce or both, but the thought of me filing is driving me crazy. I didn't want this, why should I have to do it? Just to get money from H for OUR responsibilities.

I did not respond to H's email. Nothing good can come from it.

Today is probably the first day where I can say "I wish I never met him". This is such a tragedy that a person could be so hateful and do these types of things to someone who didn't do a thing....and that they loved once.

I feel so alone and hurt...I have cried for an hour and can't stop. I have thought of plenty of tortuous things that i would like to do to H right now. Plenty of things that I would like to say. But noooo, I have to take the high road... I wish there was a magic pill to take away all this pain. I don't believe I can endure anymore of this. I feel as if I have fell all the way back to the bottom of the pit. And I can't see me being able to climb back up.