Confused about what I want

[job]

BRNR,
I don't see any harm in what you are proposing, but how will this affect you and your well being? Will this confuse the boys even more?

I think I would broach the subject w/h and see what he says.

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly. In response to your questions...

how will this affect you and your well being?

Well, my well being is that I have looked into my heart and don't see that I will be getting my H back. Do I want to, yes, Do I see it happening, no. So I don't think it would affect me. Besides, after the activity is done, so am I, and I can go on my merry little way...

Will this confuse the boys even more?

Not sure. What confusion would they possibly see from this???

[hoper]

Hey B ,

Me a newbie around here so just offering something from my own experience..No i am not in a situation similar to yours but whenever you mention the 15 years of marriage it just tears me up too..really do wonder how can anyone just find feelings, someone to poof away those memories..

I have tried to play the pursuer chaser game with all honesty, given him space but when things have just got too overwhelming and i thought what do I really have to lose ....did something probably non db..

So my 2 cents here is probably for the first couple of times do not invite him but then later casually throw in the question.. Am sure the vets will have the right words if at all they do advise you to go ahead ..

You are doing great b.. I do read your posts regarding your kids .. You are really doing your best..take care..(((b)))

Portia what a beautiful post.. One for you too (((P)))

[job]

About the boys...my concern is if they see their dad going along quite often, they may think that the two of you will reunite...just don't know how your boys will digest this togetherness if it happens too frequently. Just my two cents.

I think Hopper has a good idea...take the boys out for treats, etc., for a while and then offer up an invitation to your h. He may or may not accept, but time will tell on that one.

[BRNR]

Thanks for the advice Snodderly and H1. Unfortunately it doesn't matter anymore...

My monthly Bomb Drop just came through. Email was titled DIVORCE STUFF. H wants to change our financial agreement AND take full custody of S9. He sent me this in an email at 4pm est. when I would see him at 6pm to do kid exchange.

I acted as if I had not seen it when he picked the boys up as it is his weekend with the kids.

So I guess as I had felt and said in a prior post this morning, it seemed things were getting worse and they are...

I talked to an attorney friend briefly and he said that I will probably have to file (if H hasn't already) for the divorce now, because he has said and done some things that I won't be able to protect unless I do.

Is this really the end??? It sure feels like it...and I am an emotional mess because of it. It feels like he ripped my heart out like the day he walked out. I was really hoping and praying that my marriage, my family, could be saved.

Where does one go from here.....

[NLW]

It kills me that it seems my H is so angry all the time. I have been putting my best foot forward and am pleasant and positive when he is around all the time, but nothing seems to make him happy, at least not that I have seen. He doesn't spew, but he doesn't crack a smile not even when he sees the boys.

I miss my old H. He would have a permanent smile on his face as soon as he woke up in the morning.


My son said a few days ago that Daddy came to them and said that he was sorry things were the way they are and that me and him would never be together again. OUCH!!! Could he really be that happy with OP that he would throw everything away like this? I know, fog. But sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself. Maybe a life with us was something he never wanted. 15 years, down the drain...emotional pain and damage all over the place...things said and done that will have long lasting if not forever effects. UGH!

BRNR,

Just wanted to let you know I feel so sorry for what you are going through.

The above is exactly what I have been experiencing from my XH.
15 years married.
Two great kids whom he told (in an email) "that he was sorry things were the way they are and that me and him would never be together again. "

Mine has just D-ed me. He also threatens, periodically, to apply for custody of the children.

As soon as D was granted, he seemed to experience an immediate sense of relief and became 'nice' towards me again.

I have to treat this weirdness as part of the script.

It's what they DO in mlc. They see themselves as on a path and there's nothing we can do to change the way they're headed.

Once they get where they're going they might have to realise they're lost, but not until then.

What I want to say to you is that you can get through this.
If I managed it, anyone can - I have been a basket case since BD.

D doesn't mean the end, unless you want it to. I know people keep saying that, but it's true.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I actually even feel better, myself, now that the D is done.
The anticipation was worse than the thing itself.

Please have faith in yourself. You have come this far; we are all here with you.

We know what this is like, and we've dragged ourselves through. We're reaching out to pull you along with us.

[BRNR]

Thanks NLW-I guess I just feel done. I so wanted to avoid the legal system, hoping that things wouldn't go this far. As if the heartbreak and betrayal weren't enough, add the kids pain that I see daily, lets add on money issues and throw away responsibility for everything. Me, yes, you don't love me, I get it. But evrything else seems so wrong.

I am hating that I have to go petition to the courts. I am not sure if I am going for just support or divorce or both, but the thought of me filing is driving me crazy. I didn't want this, why should I have to do it? Just to get money from H for OUR responsibilities.

I did not respond to H's email. Nothing good can come from it.

Today is probably the first day where I can say "I wish I never met him". This is such a tragedy that a person could be so hateful and do these types of things to someone who didn't do a thing....and that they loved once.

I feel so alone and hurt...I have cried for an hour and can't stop. I have thought of plenty of tortuous things that i would like to do to H right now. Plenty of things that I would like to say. But noooo, I have to take the high road... I wish there was a magic pill to take away all this pain. I don't believe I can endure anymore of this. I feel as if I have fell all the way back to the bottom of the pit. And I can't see me being able to climb back up.

[golf mom]

Oh, B, I'm so sorry. I have been right where you are tonight and actually not long ago. For about 24 hours I was distraught all over again. I couldn't stop crying and the pain was intense. I was dealing with a lot of fear and frustration with the divorce, sadness over my marriage and my mom's health and generally was very stressed. Hang in there tonight. Cry it out. You have likely needed to release all the stress and anxiety you've been feeling.

It must be incredibly hard to make the decision to file for D. Do you have the option to file for legal separation?

You'll know when you're ready to take the next step. It's so hard to deal with the legal issues when you're so heartbroken. The D was forced on me before I was ready. I was heavily grieving and my H just wanted it done. It's taken a long time for me to want to fight for myself and the boys. Like you, I was afraid that taking action would push my H further away. It wouldn't have mattered, B, he was gone. I wish I would have protected myself sooner, but I was having a hard time facing reality.

Regardless of your legal standing, your marriage can always be reconciled. Do what you need to do when you're ready.

Try to take really good care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, eat good, healthy food, etc. In the beginnnng I took good care of the boys, but I neglected myself. My love tank was empty, I was exhausted and felt terrible. It took awhile to turn that around.

Tonight is very difficult, but know you won't be in this place forever. I'm praying for you.

(((((((((B)))))))))

[BRNR]

Thank you GM and NLW.

I am no better this morning and I have to see H and the kids at S14 soccer game.

GM- to answer your question, no I cannot file for legal separation in my state, wish I could. And if I go along with H's plan I will possibly be setting a precedent should D happen...and I will be at his mercy if and when he should not follow through with his plan.

Either way, I am screwed, because until the divorce is final...which I have seen from other threads, if it is delayed, I will still be hurt financially because support orders will not cover our debts and I will still have to rely on H and I am sure that at the point, he probably not honor the debt agreement. IDK. A question I have for the attorney on Monday.

I am a mess. I cried and prayed and cried some more. I screamed and shouted. I don't feel any better. The emotional aspect of this is killing me. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare...knowing I never will. I thought of a lot of crazy things last night...

I really wanted my marriage restored. Can it still be? I don't think so. my H has pushed fast and hard this whole time...he wants to be gone.

I guess just pulling the plug is what I need to do. I don't know how I am going to get through this emotionally. I still have no love or support from my family, his family has disappeared, and even my friends have seem to exited from life. When I say I am alone, I mean really alone.

I can't think clearly to save myself right now. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do...at this point I believe I have three options

Go along with H's plan willingly.
Go file for support, take a chance he will do right by our other joint debts.
Go file for divorce, deal with all the financials myself (may include support option as well) until it is finalized.

What would others do out of curiosity?

There are risk in all three. And I am not comfortable with any of them... but, if I am to move forward with my life I guess ripping off the band-aid and going full force with the divorce is probably the right thing to do.

I am really hurting right now and will try to cry some more to release some of this pain...I really do wish there was a pill.

Why am I holding on??? How could he do this to me??? Questions that I really need to get over to be able to heal.

I am a mess right now, and need to get right for my encounter with H and the boys.

Have a nice morning everyone.

[mizjjd]

BRNR,

Sorry you are hurting

I don't have any advice, just wanted to express sympathy.

Hope things get easier.