Snodderly, what is it about MLCers and money? I've realized what a big trigger money is for my H in general, but I'm astounded that he would really try to force us out of our home so he can profit. The only time during the D that he changed his tune was when he was under contract on a new house with gf. The deal fell through, so he retracted his offer.
What's frustrating is that my H has had lots of money since he left. He had been stashing it for awhile. He has also received two large bonuses which I am entitled to a percentage of, but haven't received yet. It's been really hard paying the mortgage, etc. I have had to put a lot of wants and needs on the back burner.
I am going to be really upset if I have to buy him out of the house or split proceeds with him. We had it listed shortly after he left. I had no choice since I wasn't working. I scrambled to get a job so the boys and I could keep our home. That was the agreement. It's because of my hard work that the house has equity once again. My H bailed. He shouldn't profit from that. If I end up renting I will pay equal to, but likely more than, a refinanced mortgage. I also won't have the write-off. Who knows how a judge will see it. Regardless, my H will buy a new house. His gf has lots of available funds.
When will he see that dumping his family and having more money won't bring happiness? He has sacrificed as much. Will it take him until the end of his life to look back at all he had and lost? He has missed the last year and a half of the boys' lives. I would be beside myself with grief if that were me, but he has just gone on, seemingly unbothered.
Thanks, everyone, for encouraging me to fight for what I'm entitled to. I let my attorney know that unless there's a pretty good indication that we will have a settlement agreement soon then it's time to move on and start filing motions for support, attorneys fees, etc. The more this drags on the less my H cares about me and the boys. I've been fearful of taking such adversarial action, but it's necessary. I will need to find a way to cope with the fear and the ugliness of litigation. I could really use some advice.
Golf mom- I don't have any advice as I now find myself in the same situation. I have been fearful to do anything legal as I feel the marriage would be done at that point...my H hasn't filed, but wants to do all of the same things as if he has, sell the house, remove his name from the deed, not pay the bills. Ugh, and yes me and his two kids reside here, and he doesn't care. I don't know what to do and know that on Monday, I will have to do something. All I can offer is empathy and a virtual hug....take care.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I would be beside myself with grief if that were me, but he has just gone on, seemingly unbothered.
You might, but he is not in a place where he can feel or see that right now. Kind of like he walled that off. And even if he did feel bad about it later, he may never tell you that. He certainly wouldn't let you see that now. He won't let you see if he's bothered by it or not, but I'm fairly certain it bothers him. His way of dealing with it is what you don't understand. His blocking you from seeing his feelings is what has you guessing.
The ugliness and fear of litigation. Sweetheart, you didn't ask for this, did you? You didn't tell him to get lost or close the door on him, even after all the things he did. Even if you did, you have every right to do that.
Don't fear the litigation. Don't think of it as ugly. Think of it as shining a light on what is going on. What's there is there, you didn't make it ugly and you didn't ask for it. It simply is what is there and the light will only show what already is. In fact, don't get emotionally involved in litigation. It doesn't do any good and it prevents you from acting in your best interest. What's done is done; you can't make it ugly or pretty. Take that off the table of thought.
There's nothing you can do to make him "ugly" or angry or happy or sad or... You can however take steps to protect yourself and your boys from him. I suggest you do so in a business-like manner and leave the emotion out of it. Save the emotion for other things
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The more I read here the more I see the words "fear" and "afraid." The more I have learned about that emotion and how it manifests the more I see it everywhere. I see it clearly in my own actions and lack thereof. I see it as the cause of anger and depression. Why as a society do we operate with so much fear? We have so little faith in ourselves and a higher power. We feel hopeless and powerless which leads to all kinds of dysfunction and hurtful actions against others. How could I have not seen this before and where did I learn this? I suspect this was modeled for me.
Out of fear I learned not to ask for too much or I might lose more than I already have (current situation!). Feeling alone in the world is scary. Out of fear I have settled for less than satisfying relationships. Out of fear I kept my H's gambling a secret. (God forbid the whole town should find out.) Out of fear I kept from getting counseling - afraid I would look unstable if my H found out and he would use it against me. How many things have I feared in my life? What could I be without so much fear???
I have learned a lot about EFT (tapping) lately and have been using it daily. It works, BTW. I really understand why the slogan that's associated with it is Share it and change the world. I get it!
I woke up feeling really feisty about the D and what I'm owed. My H received a very large bonus last month and owes me a chunk as outlined by the bonus table that his attorney provided mine. He's withholding it until we have a global agreement. I'm going to ask my attorney to demand it now. It's not up for negotiations and needs to be paid. I should have been this adamant about the one he received last year. I'm still trying to get it and my H has come up with all sorts of reasons as to why I'm not entitled to any. In fact, he believes I actually owe him money for last year.
Definitely contact your lawyer about this...stick to your guns if the money is owed you. I agree, it's not up for negotiation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H tried keeping money from me telling me I wasn't "entitled" to it. That's a load of BS. You get a lawyer on him and he'll be singing a different tune. You are married, you are entitled to 1/2 of anything. That's the law. Mine tried telling me that since he filed for divorce, we were considered legally separated. When I told him he was wrong he insisted he was correct. He was proven wrong. In court, by a judge.
Ever watch the movie "Dolores Claiborne"? There's a line in there that reads: "Sometimes you have to be a high-riding b**** to survive. Sometimes being a b**** is all a woman has to hold onto."
It is true for more than one scenario.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I haven't gotten an update from my attorney regarding the settlement. I'm through negotiating so either my H honors the settlement offer that he made or it's time to start filing motions and get a trial date on the calendar.
I'm angry that I was put in a position to accommodate his house purchase just so I could get a decent settlement. The week of heavy negotiations, including a three hour meeting, was very expensive. So for the offer to be retracted after all of the time and money is absolutely unacceptable.
The boys and I deserve better than we are getting. We shouldn't be in a situation where we are wondering if we will have to move.
I am working really hard at keeping my fears at bay. I need to stick to my guns and move forward if a settlement is not reached. I have a lot of resolve today.
GM, I think you're doing well. I really do. You are right you shouldn't be in this position, but since you are, I see that you are doing well with what you have available. Don't let your anger get the best of you or interfere with the task at hand. There will be plenty of time for dealing with your anger later. I mean that. I've been there in your shoes (mine might be bigger ) and it's no picnic. But it can and you will do what you have to do.
Try to relax and let it work itself out. Take the actions you need to and don't give it any more emotion than it needs to get the job done. Action is what is needed. And time.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
