I am a NICE shark, not a mindless eating machine.

[Underdog]

Trish,

While I'm definitely stunned, I am not mad at you for expressing things you feel are important to me. I appreciate the fact that you took some time thinking about this and responding. Thanks.

I'm going to be thinking about a lot of this, so I won't address some of it here, okay?

First of all, I haven't made that casserole... so it's not a done deal.

I will say that the move had me upset to begin with but once I got the feedback here on why it might have happened, I was able to mull it over. So the truth is, by the time we had the conversation, I didn't feel mad at him for making a decision he felt was best for him.

I still felt confused, though. He had not offered me much information when he told me. And in my cell call back to him yesterday, I didn't ask him to censor what he tells me... I asked him if he would separate it out so that I didn't get lost in one message when being expected to know and remember the rest.

And he admitted clearly that he had set me up for it. He said, "Yes, I knew that I did that to you, and I'm sorry."

I accepted the apology.

I'm not the only person who gets stuck on something without being able to move on. We all do it. So while I reiterate that I was not asking him not to tell me things, I was asking him to break things up into chunks and spaces where he knew I understood.

Think about it from another angle: Let's say that Dr. K called you, happy and in a chipper mood, and you asked him if he wanted to come over Saturday and eat dinner. His happy mood turned to fear of something. He starts to mutter and something seems wrong. After all, you just asked him a question.

He tells you quickly that he's sold the condo, needs Gabe's jeep to move stuff and then reminds you that you have a nail appointment on Monday. Tell me honestly, what part of that entire sentence are you going to get stuck on?

I also ended the cell conversation because he was clearly becoming rattled and I was driving (and had headed to church instead of work by this time), and I didn't think it would serve much purpose to keep having him defend his position on the move... but I will think about how it seems from your perspective.

Hmmm. Would I have rather had him tell me in a self assured voice with conviction? Yes. Our M has been riddled with him telling me things off the cuff and just in time to set me up for crazymaking. I realize now, with your valuable help, that it undoubtedly stemmed in my reaction or perceived reaction to his news.

To be fair to myself, 99% of the time, I went into a planning and organizing mode when he told me big things that affected me: like how he bought a boat without my approval and then showed up at the house with it one day. His mother was the one who went off the literal deep end.

So while part of me understands where his fear lies, the other part of me knows that he's finishing things with his mother through me.

So yes, I really WOULD like for him to stand up and tell me something important with conviction. Actually, it would help me out a great deal if I knew he felt SOMETHING about ANYTHING.

I'm also mulling over your words about being vulnerable and showing my soft side. I know that is a weakness for me, Trish, so you really have hit a chord with that.

I guess I'm a little clueless on how to do that. If I show my sadness, he runs. If I show anger, he runs faster. If I show happiness, he seems indifferent. If I show frustration, he's quick to point out that he's not going to be around to help me work through it... at least talking about it to him.

And I'd like to say that his friends are feeling the same distance from him that I do. He will not discuss personal things with them. And they are clearly baffled by his unwillingness to work through whatever it is that he's feeling.

How do I show him that side of me if he's not willing to watch?

When I really need to discuss R things, I think I'm married to the finest actor in Denver. I can literally see him put on a mask. His blue eyes get a glazed over look and his posture visibly changes to rigid and very uncaring.

I'm sick of living with someone who shows absolutely NO affection! If I asked him for a hug, I honestly think he would say no.

When we were in MC last summer, he would be congenial and nice on the way, but that masked and costumed man would enter the room. I addressed it the very first appointment and he didn't say anything. Our MC told me to "lighten up".

K later told me that he was a little miffed that I had noticed it. But said he secretly knew that what I had said was the truth.

Controlling my anger? Yes, this is something I've really had to work on this year. It was his chief complaint when we were in MC in 1999 and again as he walked out the door.

Trish, he ABHORS any display of negative emotion. He can't stand to watch debates on the TV because they are riddled with conflict and it makes him uncomfortable. I can tell you that the fact that I've worked on it, and worked on my expression of it, has helped quite a bit.

But I guess I need some help here.

Remember, I'm in the forest and you have the helicopter. I'm confused... and you have a more clear picture on my sitch than I do.

What would you tell me to do? I see that you are upset with the way I handled myself lately, but I guess I need a play-by-play detail on how you feel things would have worked in my favor and in favor of my M?

Yes, I want to solve this. But forgive me if I'm feeling a little lost after your post.

Thanks for your honesty.

Betsey