I feel like my kids will be messed up forever because of this and he just has no concept of his actions and how it affects them
While this will certainly affect your children, it doesn't have to result in "messing them up." Unfortunately, the burden of this rests mostly on you. Your H is not capable of taking care of himself right now, let alone children.
But TnD, you do have an opportunity to give one hell of a life lesson to your children - one that can counteract the damages that might be done by H. You can show your children compassion, strength, integrity, love, commitment, resilience, a sense of humor, resourcefulness, hope, optimism, patience, understanding, consideration, maturity.
Or, you can show them panic, dismay, despair, bitterness, retaliation, anger, jealousy, hate.
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I often question whether or not I am Ok with this because he still has never once explained the past few years and his prior actions etc.
He may never fully explain. Have you read some of the posts by those who have come through MLC? (Maybe a vet can refer you to a name or a link ) It seems some of the stuff is simply not remembered by the MLCer. Some of it is perhaps too painful for them to grasp, especially during recovery, and it sounds like your H is not even fully into recovery yet.
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Maybe sitting and waiting for him to come around is still not the correct thing to do.
Definitely NOT the right thing to do!
TnD! You are to be Getting A Life!!
Acting "as if" you are going on with your life without H in your plans!
GAL and "as if" doesn't mean you treat your H badly, just that you treat yourself well!! Make plans for yourself, both with and without the kids. And when you go out the door,smile at H and wave.
If H goes out the door without you, smile and wave.
Turn your PMA dial onto high. Get crazy about you!
What do you like to do TnD? I'd like to hear some FAQ's re TnD
Make today a good day!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H playing w kids last night n kids started joking he had ow. H freaks out n leaves. Then he starts texting me that its all my fault bc i tell them stuff. Im Like what planet are u from? U sleep out every night tell me how much u hate me n when u do stay in sleep n couch. N...they want figure it out on their own? He responds that he can't stand me. So my response...so..i know u hate me. In fine. I've heard it for a year. I've offered you choices. I offered to move i said we can sell the house. Why do i have to live w someone who has clearly expressed they don't want to be with me. The kids will be ok. U wont have to worry about divorce. I am sure you can have a better relationship with them . No response...he didn't return home til 5 am.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Thanks!! Its so crazy how one day i feel as if we are ok n the next e are right back in the dark ages again. H out every night again. Its like one small setback n he crawls right back to his old ways. I stick w my stance every time he goes there and that is why wont u leave? That usually ends the conversation. He blames me bc my older son hates him. He does not understand n just acts as if the s11 is just a horrible n rude child. I know it is sons anger at the way he acts. Im not sure how to handle son bc i want them t have a good relationship but i cant make him see my h as someone who he isn't.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Today my son asked me why I can't get a better job so if my H goes we can just stay where we are. I tried to explain to him that no matter how good teh job I just cant afford things on one salary.
First of all - have you consulted an attorney? If not, then it is time to do so. This doesn't mean you have to file - but find out what you might expect in terms of child support, spousal support, etc. THEN you can make decisions about what you could or couldn't afford.
Second - this is causing HUGE stress on your kids, the way the situation is now. You may think at least it is preserving some relationship and normalcy for the kids with H - but in reality, they are walking around on eggshells waiting for him to leave. It may be time to set some boundaries.
Kml...i would have left yesterday if i could. I can't afford my mortgage on my own. The rentals in my area are also ridiculously expensive. I just can't do it on my own. Im trying to figure stuff out still so i can e more financially independent.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
This is why I suggested you consult an attorney. It's possible that you could get enough in child support and alimony to make it possible for you to stay. Or you may be able to file and get an order for temporary support that keeps the bills paid for now.
At least talk to an attorney and find out where you stand. Sometimes it's not quite as bad as you think (and WASs are often shocked to find out how much they'll have to pay).
P.S. Another option I have seen, is an agreement that lets you live in the house with the kids until they are 18, without having to buy out H - then you both split the equity at that time (or you could buy him out at that value at that time).
This is mostly useful when there is significant equity in the house already, and you can't afford to buy him out of his share.
Unfortunately h is unemployed so alimony n child support would likely b on me. I've been holding out til h secures a job to proceed. At this point i don't feel like its ever going to happen.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
) It seems some of the stuff is simply not remembered by the MLCer. Some of it is perhaps too painful for them to grasp, especially during recovery, and it sounds like your H is not even fully into recovery yet.