Dear Sharkie, Thanks for your always empathetic response, Betsey. I say a resounding 'ditto' to what others have just posted: you have given lots of help to the lost souls here and your honesty and your taking responsibility for your own actions is exemplary. I am sad that your H doesnt' realize what he is 'still thinking about'. But again, I feel good about your marriage getting back on track...and I was one of the ones who said this to Tony..and see what happened there?...so hopefully, my witchiness is coming back, and I am portending with accuracy. I sure hope so, girlfriend, cause you deserve it!
I think people all have the tendency to go through the ALL his blame, ALL my blame and every-point-in-between until we finally come to grips with the fact that it is the ACTION/REACTION of both partners that determine what happens. The FAULTY assumptions and skewed perceptions become the real test....and here's my thought for the day: the P/A coping mech is one of the hardest to 'break down and rebuild into something healthy'. Narcississm is the worst or so I am told by therapists. But the perceptions of the P/A personality, once they are in his brain, are SO HARD to change. My H BELIEVES (and I have no doubt about this whatsoever) that long ago I threatened to 'turn him in' if he didn't do something that he promised to do. And even tho it has been CLEARLY proven that it never happened that way at ALL....it is forever in his mind that I am disloyal. And so every action he has taken since, has MY disloyalty behind it. Is this a conscious effort to simply justify HIS disloyalty? WEll, depending on day and mood, my answer varies. But I honestly think this man is DAMAGED and he has spent 55 years HIDING that damage. I may have jolted him enough so that the HO is able to break through and help him heal. But I couldn't. My regret is that if the stars had been aligned right back when we separated the first time, we might have been able to work this all out. But he is so afraid of being found out.
Stubborn, persistant...Betsey, I like the word tenacious, and girl, my guess is that you have met your match in me if we have a tenacious R us contest. But you have channeled yours much more positively than I did...I have never given up on any fight in my whole life, but now I see where that has contributed to 'provoking' my P/A X. Of course, since he said he wanted a D, I haven't openly fought it at all....and without knowing, I 've let him do whatever he wished....and last night, I added up all the money he spent in 2001 and 2002...and HOLD ONTO YOUR BALLS AND BOOBIES: he spent $735,000 in 2001 and 2002...I don't have records for 2003 yet but I am frightened to even go there. This is over 3 times what we EVER spent in our lives, even building a 7000 sq ft home! Daughter wasn't even paying out of state tuition in those years, and I paid off the mortgage in early 2001 because of my fear of his spending so much and losing this house. Well: I am holding his feet to the fire come Fridays deposition. WISH ME LUCK.
Glad you had fun last night! Betsey,you are quite the catch my dear....if your H doesn't come to his senses soon, it is HE who will be losing something precious.
