While everyone here seems to be patting you on the back and dissing Mr. W. I find myself with a totally different take on some of this.
Please note I said SOME.
While everyone wants to be supportive and encouraging, sometimes the best thing a friend can do is to "call it like it is"....which means not always tell you the things you want to hear.
I am here now to tell you some things they will not.
As I mentioned I was catching up on your posts and I read over the last four days on your "place" and then read them again slowly, taking notes. Something wasn't right and I went to sleep trying to not give it much thought but there was a nagging little voice in my head...
Well, as soon as my eyes popped open it came roaring into my head and I prayed about it until I knew exactly what I needed to say to you. EXACTLY.
But saying this runs the risk of hurting you....Now I know you are strong and smart and hundred other great qualities and nobody likes to hear bad things about themselves, especially from someone they consider a confidant or friend and I am hoping you count me in those numbers.
Still if someone doesn't tell you this ....then all you are going to hear is "atta girl"....and I don't think that alone will get you to your goal.
Many times over the last few months you have been able to steer me in a direction I needed to go.....it is really your gift. I know I probably don't share that gift, but to not try would seems wrong. I care enough to risk hurting you rather than stay silent and fail to point out things which I think you actually WANT TO KNOW.
So here's the 2x4..... 1/22/03 post about Mr. W "news".
You were being tested and you failed my friend.
Mr. W get's comfortable enough with you to tell you about his move.
Now I can't imagine how very MUCH he wanted to tell you(so much he must have had to REALLY work on this)....or how much he DIDN't want to have to tell you!(CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE HIS FEAR at your reaction?)...Not to mention running the risk of hurting you or losing you!!, arousing your suspicions, and /or alienating you, when everything he is trying to do, his actions say he doesn't want to loose you !!!!!! At the very least he cared enough to be worried about your reaction!!! If he didn't care he would have just not told you or told you like YOU didn't matter...but he did....AND in a calm way.....He did NOT set you up to blow up(which he could have). You know he used to do it this way! therefore taking the focus off of himself and making it about your anger.....
He risked your anger and he told you and tried to soften it with a lot of other more ordinary stuff thrown in....that is courage my dear and he had it.
So even though he tells you " at the speed of light, and in an unintelligible mutter", he tells you.
Now would you have preferred he tell you in a loud, clear, self assured voice??? With not thought to your reaction?
No, that would have been more threatening to you.
You want it both ways don't you.....you want him humble and submissive but you also want him to stand UP to you!!!???
And what is his "reward" for this thing you perceive as bad behavior?
YOU MAKE HIM FOOD!!!! ????????
What a confusing message. You reward his bad behavior by making him not just a sandwhich, but a homemade casserole!
So he thinks things are okay. You've responded in a semi-better way than the past...at least she didn't yell and freak out he thinks to himself....and she must really want me coz she made me a casserole!!
But no...inside you are really upset...and you "call him on it"....and again he reverts back to" submissive,little, bad boy" behavior."Sorry Bets, I know you'r right bets, won't happen again bets".
BUT IT WILL.........
Because you are reinforcing it my friend.
And frankly any other way he responds to you gets him a worse reaction....so he uses known behavior...maybe not preferred...but at least he has a response for you......
Now at first he's thinking " good, she really does understand, she didn't "overreact". So he comes over and as a reward he does an act of service for you...he cleans the house and makes the bed and tells you he understands you had a sick relative bogging you down.
He would like some positive reinforcement for what he thinks is a job well done...ie: he's kept the peace between you two and made a decision that he was sure you wouldn't like.
And what do you do?
Took control again!(See the convo replay you had in the car on your cell when you called him at the office). That whole convo was about YOU!!! not about him and if you think otherwise ...you are fooling yourself.
Asking him to control the way he speaks to you!!...rather than You accepting HIM the way he is....
Does he really have to decide what he's going to say to you even more than he does now!!!!!????
He already second guesses himself on everthing he says to you.
Now let's get real here.
You do not censor everthing you say before you say it to decide how he might take it!
You said in your post, you are not mad at him for the move....!!!!!!! That is not true.
You admit to us here on the bb that you are, but you do not admit that to him!
Yes, you are mad about the move. You told him to be honest with you...and then YOU were not!!!
You even called it, "a mind blowing bomb".
So let's at least be honest....!!!!
You want him home, not moving into a bigger space it would not hurt you for him to know this. This is not a game of who can lose face first!
Now again back to the convo between you two:
So when he again explains his rationale for the move ie: more space, better rent .... When he tries to explain himself and his decision to you, what do you do?????
You cut him off..... (take control of the convo again)
YOUR rationale? It's time for you to end the convo.( oh yeah, right, no fear here)
WHY? Why, because you can't control the convo? Don't know what to say? Can't stand the heat? What!!
Please look at what you were feeling at that moment. This is a critical part of your problems.
Again what followed was you trying to take back control of the "convo" but really it was to give you back a feeling of being in control AT ALL! You telling him how you both( speaking for the two of you!) need to get rolling with the golf tournamnet..... Again an area in which you are superordinate , he is subordinate.
I think in reality you like it this way.??? With him "under" or subordinate to you all the time.....
Your quote," I don't really mind spending time teaching him.....blah blah blah...
Well how nice of you! now that you've blasted his ego into the next century telling him "how" to communicate with you you don't mind taking the little underling( guppy, fish, bait, chump, let's see what other "less than" descritption can we use here!!) and showing him how you handle the golf tournament! So he can TRY and follow your lead, live up to your reputation, satisfy your demand, meet your expectations, impress you....whatever!!......NOW WHAT A RECIPE FOR DISASTER THAT IS!!! NO WONDER HE FAILS OR DOESN'T EVEN TRY.
Geez the guy can't win.... Is there any area of your life where he "rules"?? Where his decisions carry more, or at least the same weight? Where he is he leader WITHOUT your permission???????
Please for God's sake, for your marriages sake be honest here.
You call it the : "Blasted bowling tournament"
So you DO MIND HIS LEAVING THE GIRLS WITH YOU!!!!!
Now who's being passive/aggressive????
You don't want to go along with his plan but you said okay???? to taking the girls.......Can anyone say P/A????.....But you do this without enthusiasm, you do this with hidden resentment.........You want to make sure he knows he is being a big imposition to you, but you guise it with..."I'm being cooperative". He asked you and offered to get a sub.....but you did not really come right out and tell him no!!! That would require guts and honesty...and you would much rather have an excuse to punish him! Did you not say you wanted HIM to be honest....well, well, well.....
Whenever the occasion or need for payback arise you've got "ammo".
You should have paid more attention to that horoscope you posted....read it again.......if you are the least bit brave.
Then you revert to "I don't think Mr. W is coming home anytime soon".Are you more comfortable with things that way???......I think on that you were right on....probably he won't come home any time soon.........too many traps...............................and if I were him?.............I'd be tired of always being the bad guy, always making mistakes where you are concerned, always the dupe to your "in charge, know how to do everthing right" great, person....
That's a hell of a position to be in...if he comes too close, he gets burned...if he backs off, he's a jerk.....
In response to Lyrael's post:
You did not "hold your own" in that convo, you steamrolled right over him.
1/23/03 "He's not ready to work on things"
OMG!!!!!!!??????BETSEY WTF????????????
He took it up the A** again~ "You appreciate his confusion"??????????
YOU are causing his confusion!!!!
Sure because it keeps YOU in control!!
He is NOT a SCARRED RABBIT He IS a scarred WOLF!!
He can't lead...you won't let him...and when he does make decisions for himself....you make sure he knows you are not pleased no matter what he does!
Right....pat your self for not going off on him...
You're doing it.......you're just doing it quieter AND behind his back!....can anyone say P/A!!
You have just perfected your defenses a little more...
How about telling him how vulnerable that makes you feel.???? Remember the windshield incident??? Do you really know why that worked??
Because he saw YOU with your defenses down...making an idiot of yourself. And that is OKAY!!...He saw you making a fool of yourself and he was now no longer the ONLY fool....
He doesn't neeed your bluffing......
He needs you to take the biggest risk of your life and let him see you.... warts and all, out of control, and making mistakes and embarrassed about them......TELLING HIM HOW YOU FEEL IN YOUR HEART.
Being a soft.....vulnerable...... woman........ who needs him, her man....warts and all, mistakes and all...... handling homeless bums, little girls with great needs and maybe just a little credit now and again for sticking in there...even though he hasn't been exactly accepted!
Next post: "controlling your anger"
Anger is just an emotion like any other emotion.
Do you try and "control" your happiness??? Do you try and control your sadness?
What are you afraid will happen if YOU feel anger? Who do you think you are? That you can contro, your feelings!! You can only control your responses, and from what I've seen that's gotten you into big trouble.
Controlling him, controlling you....controlling what you say..... You may call it "taking responsibility for your actions"
Who is responsible is not the question..... What are you feeling......is.
PamelaC post:
Take JUST these words from her post and think about them.....
"Honesty is not good if the perception is bad, meaning my truth is not necesarily my H's."
Raed that sentence over a few dozen times.
There is no truth......only perception
Betsey, If you never speak to me again....it will hurt really bad.... but I think you and K are just getting lost in a swirl and somebody needs to get you to see what's going on.....You have been making great strides.....but you still aren't seeing the bigger picture and I KNOW you are smart enough to figure this out...I also know someday Mr. W is going to tire of trying........because You are just so strong...and he feels so weak........
If I had to guess?? He was thinking seriously of coming home during the holiday, but knows that it still isn't working......so he was forced to make an uncomfortable decision............. A move.....
Now open your eyes and realize he doesn't know how to solve this and you do..... I know you do..... The question is.... Do you want to?
