I'm feeling all kinds of things right now... Here's what's up.
I've been with my husband for about 5 years, married for 2. We don't have any kids -- we both wanted them, and he wanted to start trying last year, but I really wanted him to get counseling for his PTSD first. Plus, he's military, and I knew he'd be deploying sometime in the near future.
Anyways, we spent all of last year prepping for him to go to this really prestigious training program so he could take on new, more complicated and intelluctually satisfying duties in the Army. It was really hard, but he graduated at the top of his class. The program required that we be apart for about 4 months. Meanwhile, I got our house ready to move out to his new duty station, and worked two jobs so we could have a bit of a nest egg once we arrived there. We fought some while we were long distance, but I didn't really think it was that serious. They say moving is one of the most stressful things you can do, and I figured that between that and me working so much and him doing this hard program, we'd figure things out once we were in the same state. When he'd call me to yell at me for hours -- literally-- at a time, I chalked it up to stress and anxiety over his program. We'd get better, I thought, once we could see each other again.
Yeah, no. As soon as I arrived, he told me to leave. We had a bunch of really long, intense conversations, where he mentioned he was afraid of hurting me (yes, physically), and where he said he felt he couldn't trust me (because I went skinny dipping with some girls back when we were dating -- nothing happened!), and because I am a shitty housekeeper (fair enough). I went to stay with my parents, and he PROMISED he'd start counseling and we'd be okay but for this little hiccup. Fast forward to now, after about 4 months of him saying he wants a divorce, no he doesn't, he wants a divorce, no he doesn't, he wants a divorce, and he's tired of going back and forth on it. He wanted me to file, too, because he still hates doing paperwork. Christ. He doesn't want to see me before he deploys in a few weeks, he regrets the two times I went to visit him, and he's said a few times now that he regrets marrying me.
How many times are you supposed to hear the person you love say they want to leave you before you crack? So finally I did.
When I told him I'd file, he started calling me twice a day, asking me if I'd done it, could he see the paperwork, when would it be finalized, etc. Last night he called me 10 times in a half an hour. I wasn't home, which is why I didn't answer. When I called him back, he immediately started cursing me out, insinuating that the lawyer I had gotten was a liar and a thief and that he had every right to see the paperwork I had submitted to her because he was paying for part of the divorce. I hung up on him after telling him he was rude, called me lawyer, and wired her the money for filing. It wasn't always like this. We used to be so good together, y'know? We used to talk nearly every night, but I haven't been calling him -- in part because we'd have these really great, perfect conversations filled with jokes and laughter, and then the next morning he'd call and ask about getting divorced. I can't be in that cycle because it hurts too much.
Right now, I'm not sure what to do. I'm glad I filed because at least now I control the process. I feel like I've spent the last few months just reacting -- but what [censored] is that now that I feel like I'm ready to act, the things that I'd like to do -- improve my marriage, help him not be crazy and verbally abusive towards me -- are not things I feel like I can affect, particularly with this deployment coming up so soon.
:-/
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'd really like to work on "us" but he's so angry now, I don't know what to do.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon
P.S. - now that you filed I would suggest you let him do the rest of the work and stop being his mother and FIXING your relationship, if he wants a divorce he can do the work.
Unless you really want a divorce, then you can always pull that trigger.
I'm definitely trying to work more on me -- I got in touch with my advisor to try and finish my degree remotely, and I've been writing (and submitting!) more. It's hard to break the focus on him, because you're absolutely right, I've been doing a lot of mothering. :-/
I've made a list of 1 year and five year goals, and realized that they're ones I want him to be on the journey with me for, but aren't ones that are dependent on him. I can't tell if that's part of the problem, or what, but at least I know what I need to do to move towards happiness.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
When he'd call me to yell at me for hours -- literally-- at a time, I chalked it up to stress and anxiety over his program.
This is absolutely, positively, NOT normal. He has some very serious issues. You mentioned PTSD, between that and the hours of yelling and the threat of physical violence it just all adds up to a person with a significant mental illness. I just don't know if there's anything you can do until that's addressed. My recommendation to you would be to go dark- no contact whatsoever. Right now he blames you for every problem in his life, if you stay dark for a while he'll eventually figure out that even though you're not there, the problems still are. Then he may figure out that he's the problem, not you. If he ever requests to reconcile I'd make it contingent upon him seeking professional help.
She isn't military. PTSD is tough though, I see it everyday I work for the goverment. Hang in there and try to be as loving and supporting as you can. PTSD destroys lives its very real. Just be patient and thanks for weighing in, I really appreciate it.
Dub - the "gift of time" is a term used to describe the fact that when someone says they want a D and the other party doesn't or if the party that does, slow rolls the process because they aren't sure D is really what they want, then what you have is the gift of time. Time to work on fixing those things that are problems within your control. Time for healing to occur. Time for hurt, anger and resentments to fade. Time to plan and build for your future, with or without your spouse.
My W told me 18 months ago that she was DONE. We were hurtling head first towards D. But here we are 18 months later, still married. We may still end up D but a lot of time has passed that has allowed both of us to reflect and to change and to decide what we want for our lives. We are less angry, less antagonistic towards each other and we actually do things together with the kids.
That ^^^ is the gift of time!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks, 2thepoint! My worry about this gift is that we're looking right at another deployment -- I feel like he's leaving in the next few days/weeks. So, you know, the D is delayed, but we're not building memories or working towards reconciliation. I'm hoping he'll call me while he's deployed -- but between the limited access to phones/time off and us being so bad, I don't know. Then again, 6 months ago I could not imagine I'd be in this moment on a forum like this, so! Who knows what the next six will bring?
But like you just said, I can only focus on those things that are in my control. It's just hard to accept sometimes that my control is so limited.
I keep seeing radio silence recommended as a strategy, at least for a bit while you are GAL. Does that count for things like birthdays or congratulations or whatever? I really badly want to text to wish him a happy birthday, but kind of think that might feel clingy or be weird, particularly since I'm the one who filed.
(BTW I like the nickname! Dub. :D)
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
