OK, I have to ask a question and I am embarrassed by it. I have been here almost 6 years and never bothered to find out how to show someone else's quote. Can you help?
There I said, it. I faced a fear I have of appearing incompetent. I didnt like it, but, there you go!
Ok, J. first of all, so proud of you, my friend. Good on you for beginning to articulate your fears. First step, sweetie.
I have been thinking about my fears.
1. I am allowing my fear of something that hasn't happened run my thoughts, hence while I am worrying I am not working on me. TRUE!!! And you worrying is not going to change the outcome. So, waste of time and enerygy.
2. I understand that if I end up divorced and my W remarries I wont die, I get that. So that fear can be challenged. Then I am left with the hurt and pain. If this were to come to pass, I "fear" well no, I know that I would be in great pain, not physical, but emotional. How does one get through that? The only was through it, is to do it. You get through it one step at a time. You process the grief and anger. You allow yourself time. You slowly start living again. You just do it because there is no other choice. Many others have gotten through it before you.
Is that why I am to work on my self worth and esteem, so that if that were to happen it would not hurt so much? I mean I know I need to find my self worth and esteem regardless. No, you must work on your self worth because it is a necessary and vital part of being a healthy person. It is necessary in order to love and be loved. I wish I could tell you that if you have high self esteem, that it would hurt less. But, you know J, I always keep it real. It doesnt. what it does do is help you deal with it in a healthy, more positive manner.
So I must fear hurt, pain emotional most.
"What is it about fear of failure and loss of control and insecurity that makes it so powerful?"
I think I fear what others think of me, just as I rely on others for my happiness, I fear that people wont like me or will not love me or I am unlovable. I fear being alone, why? Because I base my happiness on others. I don't like myself? What if I was alone, what would happen? I would not die, yet I would be sad. No one needs another person in order to be happy. Happiness must come from within. You might want another person as they may enrich your life. There is a difference. Again, that is why you need to feel worthy. Because you should not base your happiness on others. That puts enormous pressure on them and stops you from finding contentment within you. And you may be sad if you were alone, but, that would be your choice.
So right now I need someone else to love me, be with me to feel ok. Well that isn't entirely true either, I mean my mom loves me and lives close, but she doesn't fit my need. I have a friend or two, they don't fit that need. My W fits that need. My W mothered me to an extent, does that fill my void? getting what I missed from my mom? Again the only person you NEED to love you, is you.
Ugh this is so confusing... It is confusing, J, but let's please stay with it. You are doing great. This is important stuff for you to figure out.
