Thanks Underdog...I do see AND I see that I did this myself. So the key is to NOT be tempted to act like the chiding, angry, guilt-giving mother when H does some hurtful, spiteful, terrible teens act of rebellion?

No seriously, I do see and I confess that I became that carping woman...I think in addition to their not changing the issue and bringing up one of our transgressions before fully discussing their current one..would be if they would apologize for what they did instead of defending it.
I'm a sucker for apologies and when (well, if I ever) heard one, I would have been happy to say...well, I mess up too...lets kiss and have a group hug.

So, ya think that X set me up to criticize him? Or did I do that all on my own? I would get so angry at his avoidance and blame and then I'd launch in on his faults and he'd say: I won't speak to you when you raise your voice to me. And then slam, he'd be gone. He did learn along the way to stay, but he didn't like my trying to convince him that whatever I did,said or wanted was the thing we should do. And I'd never do anythign 'family' without first running it by him and getting his ok. So building a house: what do you think about this? He'd say I don't like it, then I'd tell him why I liked it and thought it a good idea. He felt that was controlling so he'd be a bull and I'd be a bull back. Then, he'd resort to P/A to win, while I was still trying to coax, cajole, convince him into what I wanted.
TOO MUCH ENERGY. And yes, I was part of the problem, but I guess that I don't see trying to convince someone of the merits of my ideas as all that bad or controlling...I'm not forcing compliance, but I guess to them it does feel that way at times (aka: she'll keep at me until I agree.)THat is my crazy making and I don't mean to be controlling or obstinate. I am just hoping that my wonderfully sound and creative ideas will win you over. Like where DB ers should meet for dinner and such...I don't mean to be pushy.


Thanks for the new perspective. Now, if I can only get some of this into depositions. HA.
Linda