Time for the Loop the Loop on this rollercoaster!

[SM34]

Gabbysmom thank you for your analysis. You have a way of.misunderstanding my question, and seeing the negative in anything I ask.

I mean do I support her? She has asked,me to help her look and find job listings. But DB principles is to not help them do anything that movrs them closer to divorce.

My question was do I help her find a job? Or do I keep it hard for her to leabe. I dont want her to stat bevause she is trapped and that'd why I lean towarda a job for her.

I truely believe if she worked and started making her own money and dudnt feel trapped, many of this would be resolved

[SM34]

Oh and points to consider

My D3 is now in school full time.

I have done nothing over the last 3 year but try to tell my wife she is talented and interior design (which she is) and that I support her 100 percent on getting a career and not being a stay at home mom.

She is the way who said I promised her she never had to work. I have never tried to keep her down at all...never. The question was only related to how all of you say to not evee help them ruin the family. If they want a job so they can move out, let them go through that hassle.

The problem is, I see a.job as a good thing for her. She does nothing all day now that daughter is full time school. Just gives her more time to feel depressed and down, and seek attention from OM.

Gabbysmom I really do think you have some valid points and totally respect your opinion.

But sometimes your analysis harsh and doesnt give me the benefit of the doubt of perhaps having chosen the wrong words.

I have the best intentions for my wife. I have nothing but love for her. So much that I want her to be happy and if a job and career will bring that, even at the expense of her moving on, then so be it.

I just believe that if she valued herself more, she wouldnt be seeing this loser. She wouldnt feel trapped, and people who are left to their own accord usually choose the right option. That is DB principles at their root.

Also she did say job search was intimidating. No mind reading there.

I didnt suggest its better she stays dependant on me. Quite the contrary. I was suggesting a job would be good for her self esteem but should be helping her with that?

I dont see any narcism in my posts. I see a person who is seeking guidance from a forum full of people who.often have very opposite advice. So I was indicating the two sets of reasoning that are possible so that people could see that i.anticipate those.points.from all.

In any case gabbysmom, i.will thank.about your comments. I know you are trying to.light a fire under my butt and I know exactly.what you want me to do. Your prefered outcome is inevitable if my sitch continues like this.bu currently I believe it is premature.

My coach had said to allow at least 6 months if not more to allow W space and time. DB principle is to do things from a place of love and that is why i.want her to.get a job. It will be good for her. And i.believe she would stay if she felt.better about herself and didnt feel financially trapped.

Thank you again for your input.

Let.me simplify the question.... Should I be helping her find a job if I can, or do you let the WAW go through that inconvenience on her own?

[MrBond]

If your W suffers from self-esteem, just make a note of it. The only person who can work out her self-esteem issues is herself.

If she wants to get a job, then be encouraging, but don't go overboard with the help. The problem is that she will cycle through waves in which she'll be excited about something one minute, then look for something else the next.

AND THAT is the point you have to understand. Self-esteem is being happy and content with who you are on the inside and not looking for an external stimulus to make you happy. It's why your W went looking for another man. If she wants to increase her self-esteem, she needs to realize (on her own) that nothing and no one will make her "feel" happy but herself.

That's why it's not your job to make her happy. Don't tell her what she should or shouldn't be doing or what she should look for, etc. Just encourage and validate. Let her do the talking.

[SM34]

Mr bond that is EXACTLY how I feel. And her mother shares this view too.

now I have my issues and I could have done things differently in our marriage, but I believe it would have only kicked the can down the road.

from the start, my wife has had self esteem issues. She told me before that it started when she was 9 years old and one of her uncles commented about her weight infront if her wnole family.

I know gabbysmom said 'what, now your sitch is caused by her low self esteem?..

Well my reading in affairs seems to indicate that they ae ALWAYS based on lack of self esteem.

Confident people who are happy in their own skin cannot be lulled so easily into violating the rules of their own integrity.

So you hit the nail on the head. She has to realize that outside things, or pond scum affair partners will not ultimately make her happy.

She must pursue things that she enjoys, things that maker her happy. I have suggested this over the years cointless times and couldnt get through.

Of course now I understand about validating, and listening, and showing concern of her feelings and so I know I could have done things differentlu..

But ultimately there is something missing within her, AZ nd not within 'us' as a married couple. She needa to find that thing that will fill the void within herself before she can be happy, regardless.of what I do.

Her mom tried to tell her this back on BD. She tried to remind her that wife had done this same thing 7 years ago (7 year itch?) For the same reasons. Boredom, lack of creative outlet, lack of feeling that she belongs to an organization of a group of professionals etc..

Mr bond as you said, there is not so much I cam do but wait and see where her own personal journey takes her.

Her mom said she has to hit rock bottom as far as depression and then she will start to examine the fecisions she made and how they ultimately didnt make her any happier. Its an all too common story with divorcees it seems from my research. I read a study that suggests that upto 80% of divorced women regret their decision or believe they could have done more to save their marriage.

In the meantime, all I can do is become the husband only a fool would leave.

Last night I got D3 to finally go to sleeo by calmly holding her and soothing her by singing her favorite lullabys.

Wife had tried to get her to bed and it resulted in a shouting episide and D3 crying. After that W said I seemed to have a special way with her and that she likes that D3 feels so safe when she is with me.

I told her I had gotten lots of practice on the nights she is away, and that D3 seems to be developing a bond to me.

Not sure if that was the right thing to say, or whether it was pressure. But the truth is mommy is away two days a week and daddy is ALWAYS there.

[AnotherStander]

Have a question. W suffers from low self esteem, which I think is contributing greatly to this mess.

Here we go again. Here is what I posted to your last "magic bullet":

Sounds like this is your newest thing. You've decided that what your W really wants/ needs is a hyper-provider what is really wrong with your W is low self-esteem, so you're going to throw yourself into that now. Meanwhile, your W is STILL waiting to see CONSISTENT 180's. As 25 says, "consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in". I'm not seeing constistency from you, nor does it seem like you give anything much time to work before moving on to something else.

SM34, stop the troubleshooting. Quit trying to fix your W. Fix yourself.

She is looking for a job. But not very avtively as I know the whole thing intimidates her.

That's not looking for a job, that's just wishful thinking.

She has been out of the workforce for a decade.

= not looking for a job

and gives her better appreciation for what I go through every day.

Narcissism. By the way, do you know the traits of narcissism?

- An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
- Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
- A lack of psychological awareness
- Difficulty with empathy
- Problems distinguishing the self from others
- Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
- Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
- Haughty body language
- Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them
- Detesting those who do not admire them
- Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
- Pretending to be more important than they really are
- Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
- Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
- Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
- Denial of remorse and gratitude

I count 11 of those that I have seen you display in your posts here. Not throwing stones because I see myself in several of those as well. Just read the above and try to objectively see areas you need to improve on.

Not getting a job keeps her dependant, but doesnt help her depression or personal growth.

You speak of her being dependent as if it's a positive trait. Do you actually see that as helpful to keeping your M together?

With my sitch in mind, am I crazy to promote her getting a job?

What you are crazy to do is to keep enabling her. Where is she getting the money from to go and see OM constantly? I think others talked to you early on about nipping that in the bud, but I assume it must be continuing since she clearly doesn't have a job and she is clearly still going to visit OM. Quit enabling her. If she wants to get a job to fund her tryst then that's her business.

[SM34]

I was just asking everyone a question.. I havent tried to fix her, only to get guidance from the stand point of whether I should support her getting a job.

Mrbond was gracious and provided msny good suggestions.

As far as 180s they are still going on. I havent stopped them at all. Not throwing myself into something new I can hold a parellel thought while still doing what I need to do to better myself.

Backyard project resumes this weekend! Should be fun. If it would only stop raining for long enough!

[MrBond]

"I havent tried to fix her, only to get guidance from the stand point of whether I should support her getting a job."

Giving her support is fine as long as you don't go out of your way to help her get one.

An interesting question was raised though. How does she get the money to keep going out?

[SM34]

Gabbysmom, I think you are right.

I just got done reading my first three threads from start to finish as a refresher of what I should be doing. I noticed a few things...my tone was different.

I had the bevinners mind.

I just asked questions directly like you said, and just waited for people to chime in. then I commented and thanked every poster with an open mind.

I think I need to get back focus on learning.

In the first few threads, I learned validation techniques, light touch and what that means, and how it can be done, etc...

lately, im not learning so much from all of the posters here. The way I phrase things is different. My old posts were fun! People enjoyed the interaction with me during the first two months.

I dont want to change into an arguing bitter guy because I really wasnt like that.

So. Back to the old me!

Tomorrow morning im taking my daughter to play at her favorite indoor park. I told wife sge is wekcome to come, and she said she would like that. We will see, last Sunday she didnt come with us and looked jealous when she watched the videos of us having fun

I also want to work some more on back yard makeover. Its been raining a lot so will have to see.

[leopoldstotch]

SM since your W has no job how is able to afford gas to go see the OM? How much longer are you going to tolerate her cake eating?

[Tallula]

SM since your W has no job how is able to afford gas to go see the OM? How much longer are you going to tolerate her cake eating?

I haven't been around much lately. I have debated posting on your sitch.

Look, I get it. You want to know WHY. Why is she doing this? I may get some flack for this or put, but the longer and further I have taken myself out of the emotional rollercoaster that is dealing with a spouse in an affair, the more I just see that these people are just flawed. Entitled. You wife feels entitled to go sleep with another man. My marriage is a crazy wreck. My husband is actively cheating on me. It's not a "fog" or depression or that I was too controlling. It's that he wanted to mess around with someone else while continuing to have the benefits of me as his wife, taking care of his kids, cooking dinner, loving him. Heck, I'm/we all here are dealing with this and WE aren't like "Well, my marriage is so bad I'm gonna go find someone else. But not divorce my husband...cause I deserve both." Why? Because I'm not a selfish jerk. Because we are all good people who don't feel entitled to abuse our spouses. And frankly, I believe cheating is abuse. Plain and simple.

Whether your wife has depression or low self esteeem or crazy whacked out meds isn't the problem. It's that she feels its ok to tell you that she has found someone else to sleep with and if you could just hold on in limbo that would be really, really great. Um, no. It's not ok. What she is doing is massively hurtful and selfish. She hasn't lost her mind, she thinks this is acceptable behavior. I kicked my H out. I have gone no contact except for my kids. My H is begging me to come home. Willing to go completely transparent. Would he have done this if I still let him "eat cake". Nope. Not on your life. We teach people how they can treat us with boundaries. Mine are set. He knows that.

For me, I'm done. I now know that even one affair is a deal breaker for me. That's just me. I've gotten this clarity by separating myself emotionally from my situation. For me, you want to be in a relationship with someone else, there is the door. See ya. I'm worth more than this. No matter what a horrible spouse I could have been, divorce me before you add another person to this. I understand completely the horror and shock that this was to you. I understand the need to save your marriage. I did. I regret nothing I have done. I have been kind and loving towards my H. I have not been mean or vindictive. I have not lashed out in anger. We laugh and joke in each others presence. But, spending all this time trying to figure out the why's and how's of our spouses is futile. It is what it is. Regardless of the fact that my H tells me he knows his behavior is hurtful and messed up...he DOES IT! Your wife is doing this. And you need to decide what YOU are worth. The person YOU want to be.

I agree with everyone above. You seem to want only the specific advise you have decided is important, and what you just wrote about having a beginners mind in the first few months...that surprises me. I have been here for your sitch since the beginning and it all seems the same. Your wife has lost her mind and will eventually see the light. Why would she? She gets her side piece OM and you taking care of everything else. Perfect! I wouldn't treat my cheating, dirtbag husband the way your wife is treating you. Why? Because I'm not a selfish person who feels entitled to only worry about me and my happiness.

You deserve better than this, you just do.

End rant