Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

I am willing to work on our marriage...absolutely, but it would be a slow process for me...almost like starting completely over. For me, she has to prove to me that she WANTS it and that I'm worth it to her. I have been working on me for a year and a half - I have made great strides, but I am still working and I've learned that this work should never stop.

A relationship is a two way street, and she has to do her part too. I thought I could love her enough for the both of us, but I can't. It isn't possible. It takes two. At times I didn't want to hear or believe that, but it's true.

She originally told me, 17 months ago, that she needed space. THIS is space. And it isn't out of anger or spite or anything petty or small or ugly. It's what she asked for and it's really what I think we both need to mend ourselves, as individuals, first.

I am in no way playing games with her or trying to manipulate the situation. I have had difficulty being around her for about a month now, with it escalating as April went along. I couldn't hide this set of feelings, and it turned into what is happening now.

What sandi2 was posting to others and then what she posted directly to me clicked perfectly at the exact time I was reading it. It was just what I needed to read/her at exactly the right time. She probably doesn't even realize how much what she wrote meant to me, but I can't thank her enough for smacking me upside the head like that. Selfishly, I hope she keeps up with me and makes sure I'm on the right track, but if not, she has done more than enough already.

My W is very determined to be independent, and she has convinced herself that this is the only way out for her. So whether or not this "works"...I have no idea. I know that it hit a "Reset" button on our relationship. It showed her that I'm not waiting around for her like a lost and starving puppy. That I'm figuring myself out. That I'm back - me, the man she fell in love with, not the awful caricature I became - and I'm a better man than I was before, and I will NOT be going back. There are no steps back for PatientMan here. What is behind me is to learn from only; it is not a place for me to visit.

If she isn't attracted to that or if I have done too much damage for her to forgive me as a spouse, then I will go on with my life. But *I* took control of *me* back. That was important.

No hook. No fishing line. You have to be real. You have to get there. To steal a really good lyric:

"Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
laid bare my chest, said 'Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hel1 and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me.'"

You have to go through it. There's no faking it.

I would JUMP at the chance to reconcile.

INTERNALLY.

Then I would remember everything and realize this is going to take a lot of work. But it, and she, is worth it.