Keep on, keeping on!

[azguy]

I'll be honest with you. Your posts have me worried. You're making really good progress in establishing a better R with H. I can imagine this will a long time and may not lead where you want. What will you do as this process diverges from you expectations?

MC asked if he had feelings of guilt and he said no. What's that about???? Deep denial?

You expect him to feel guilty? Is it a dealbreaker if he never does? It sounds like you're waiting for him to realize mistakes and apologize. I suspect it won't work out that way.

The fact that you don't know why he feels this way is a good chance to learn more about how he is thinking about the situation. Put aside your expectations and listen the next time this comes up.

I don't feel I have permission to call and ask how his day was. H asked, why would I feel that way? I said that our communication has been so bad or non-existent and there seems to be a wall there. I asked him if he wanted more open communication on a personal level and he just said 'let me think about it'. (Duh! That's the wall I was referring to!)

So, you bring up a concern, H expresses interest in learning why you feel that way, and you respond by pressuring him to have more open communication. When he backs off you attribute it to your original concern. Sounds controlling to me.

I would suggest offering to try something new on your end, and ask whether that would be okay with him, rather than ask for something from him.

Me: 'I know you're goals and objectives are different with the MC than mine are. And I really appreciate you being open to this experience. I read something today that I wanted to share with you (an AS post on another thread!), that if someone had told you on our wedding day or the many years after that you would have fallen out of love with me, you never would have believed them. Your feelings and thinking have changed. And I am hoping that they can change again'

H: 'I'm not closed to that'.

Me: 'I don't want the same relationship as before. I'm not the same person so it'd have to be different. You're different too. (then I backtracked a little) Actually I feel a lot like the old me, before kids and stress and BS.

H: 'I don't know if I can remember back that far' :l

More pressure. Good that you realize it.

I would just stop checking in with him in this area. You'll be able to see from his actions how he feels, and I bet he'll appreciate the space.

Maybe he's still too deep in the fog. I don't know how to make him feel worthwhile if he doesn't want to be open with me. It feels like we're cousins, or people that have grown up together and have a deep affection but not the love attraction we'll need to have a renewed marriage.

So, this is what worries me. A lot of focus on him and how he needs to change for this to work. I feel the same way in my R, but its important to keep reminding yourself this is out of your control. And there are a lot of things in your control that you CAN work on. Focus on those.

A new R has to start with some connection. And that's there. It's a small seedling at the moment. Just keep nurturing it.

I see your later posts are focusing on you. Great! I wanted to reply to this message to point out the specific areas I think you can work on. Hang in there!