Here is one issue that I am realizing I definitely have. I don't think I know how to validate without reciting it from a script. I don't think that makes me a bad person. I honestly don't feel that I am. It does however make me a bad communicator, especially where wife is concerned. Take this for example:
W:I guess we both wish we could have changed each other. I wanted you to treat me like you loved and cared for me while we were together and you want me to try now that we are apart. Maybe we just we not meant to be.
W:I know you dont accept my choice but for once in our marriage please respect my wishes to move on. I am sorry (husband) but that is what I want. I havent waivered on that at all.
How would I respond to that, validate her feelings and make her feel that I am truly supportive?
First let me say what validation is NOT: fixing, reasoning, explaining, agreeing, disagreeing, justifying, pleading. Validation is simply seeking to understand what another is feeling and letting them know that you value their feelings. So in the first statement for example:
"W:I guess we both wish we could have changed each other. I wanted you to treat me like you loved and cared for me while we were together and you want me to try now that we are apart. Maybe we just we not meant to be."
In RetroV they teach you to ask followup questions to clarify the feelings, and also to ask questions to find out how intense the feelings are. Your W expressed an issue above, but not the feelings behind it. So first, you want to seek her feelings:
"I hear you saying you didn't feel love or cared for, I can tell it was very difficult for you to go through, how did that make you feel?"
Whatever she responds back with, "sad" maybe, you then focus on that emotion. "I'm sure it did make you feel quite sad, I can understand why feeling unloved would make you sad. I'm sorry that I did things to make you feel that way."
As for the second one:
"W:I know you dont accept my choice but for once in our marriage please respect my wishes to move on. I am sorry (husband) but that is what I want. I havent waivered on that at all."
"I understand you're ready to move on, how do you feel about that?"
When you ask questions like this you often will be surprised at the answer. My W told me she was ready to move on without me and live life by herself. I asked her how she felt about it and was expecting "satisfied" or "content" and instead she said "scared". This is the whole reason for exploring emotions, because they are almost NEVER feeling what you think they are feeling. We're so programmed for mind-reading that we completely fail to seek to understand how people feel, we just make an assumption and run with it. The problem is our assumptions are wrong 95% of the time.
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What I got from wifes texts were, that she is DONE, moving on and not even thinking about looking back. I feel her words had incredible conviction to end this chapter of her life. I didn't hear any insight to make me feel otherwise. I haven't for a while thought there was the slightest bit of hope.
However, some of you felt that wasn't the full message.
What I hear in her texts is frustration. She sounds frustrated that you haven't changed, that the two of you are not getting along, and that everyone has turned against her (at least in her mind). Now I'm not saying I think she wants to reconcile, I'm just saying that right now she sees D as the only solution to her frustrations. You still have a chance to make the way home paved and smooth, right now it's overgrown and filled with boulders.
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Perhaps she isn't as done as I might think. Perhaps she is, but now I don't know. From her words and actions, I have felt she is COMPLETELY 100% done for some time.
This was a very hard lesson for me to grasp in my own sitch- just because she's done right now (assuming she is), that does not mean she can't/ won't change her mind. Many WAS's have indeed changed their minds, and this after expressing with 100% confidence that they were done and moving on. I personally know of 3 such cases in my own life outside of these forums where a WAW said they were done and moving on and later changed their mind.
I went through a phase in my sitch where I said "W is done, there's no question in my mind" and therefore I was ready to file for D myself. But I gave myself some more time, and upon doing some more reading I was reminded that they ALL say they're done at some point. It's script. It is no reason to file for D, or to say you're done, or to otherwise end your DB'ing. But it IS reason to detach. When they're done the only thing that might change their mind is some in-depth soul searching. They need time and space. Meanwhile we do everything we can to transform ourselves into the ultimate parent and spouse so that if they do start questioning their choice, when they look back they see someone more attractive than they remember.
