I can't speak for Meredith or anyone else who has a P/A man, but I know from experience that how I expressed my expectations, on top of my expectations, seemed to push that P/A button fully.
I'll summarize because I have a list of transgressions here.
When I stated that I had expectations from him, and I spoke harshly--as a mother might do with a child, he would agree with whatever I said and then do the total opposite.
I would then go off on him (which he expected) and then he would set me up for a big fall by watching me explode and telling me that I would never change.
Oh, and getting defensive (which is my specialty) seemed to spur him on in instigating the sitches where he could set me up.
Ok, I'll give you an example. Throughout our M, I have hated Mr. Wonderful's tendency to hit the bowling alley (or any other guy hangout) because he drank to the gills and then drove home. Drinking and driving was my only concern. He chose to see it as a means of control...
That is, he felt I didn't want him to go out with the guys because I was insecure and not wanting him to spend time with his friends.
So he would agree to go somewhere and be back by a certain time, giving me hugs and reassuring me that I had nothing to worry about.
He would come home at 2 am, reeking of beer and smoke, and walk into the BR, whereas he would expect his reception. That would be me, pissed beyond belief, giving it to him with both barrels and reaming him for being so inconsiderate.
Having a drug addict for a brother and a cop for a dad gave me license to imagine all sorts of unhappy endings at 2 am...
He would go to bed with his tail between his legs and promise to never do it again.
The next morning, Ice Queen would awaken and give him admonishing looks and extreme disapproval for being so irresponsible. He would remind me that I was right, underlining the part about the possibility of him losing his job if he ever got a DUI, and promising to do better.
Then he would nudge the convo in a direction where he got to orchestrate. He would then bring up a transgression of mine, knowing full well that I was furious and on the defensive. I'd react that way (predictably) and then he would walk away, saying it was no use talking to me.
And he could justify to himself that he was being nagged and misunderstood. This was his M.O. our entire marriage. And until our first stint in MC back in 1999, he refused to see this as setting me up.
The longer this went on, the more dramatic and ugly the interactions became. He would then do it when we had company (particularly my family members) or on the evenings prior to a big event. It got completely out of control.
Aside from my own behaviors (which have completely changed), he could have done something very simple to stop this engagement from spiraling completely out of control: he could have not brought up some sin of mine on the heels of an argument about his.
Ironically, he sees it the other way. Go figure?
The only thing that worked for me is to completely stop engaging with him when I was/am angry. I institute the overnight rule in all conflicting situations. That way, he has some time to disengage and those series of buttons are not pushed.
The result is what you see right now in my thread. He still pisses me off royally, Linda. But I no longer allow him to get me to engage with him in a manner that encourages Passive-Aggressive behavior. Ceasing any and all behaviors/words that put me in the light of being his mommy and giving him the opportunity to rebel like an adolescent put an abrupt halt to the escalation.
He started taking some responsibility for his words and actions (as you can readily see by our convo this morning) and without fear of being punished by mommy. I let him know I didn't like it, but I didn't admonish him like a child either.
Does this make sense?
Last edited by Underdog; 01/23/0407:49 PM.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
