Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[T1000]

I didn't even notice that. More guilt icing on the guilt cake?

I suppose I don't even have to respond to her last message. I told her where I stand and she tried to either attack me or guilt me.

I've asked her for space and time. When she contacted me about the car insurance or this extra money. I haven't ignored it I have said my piece.

Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

The reason I call it a fight is since Sunday it has been a battle inside my head.

Understood. I was just saying don't look at the sitch between you and your W as a fight. A lot of people do and unfortunately that can lead to some very anti-DB behavior.

I thought that with her pretty much saying she's wants in and even though I'm struggling with recent events I thought spending time together might help. I think it says in DR something about generally spending time together to connect.

That's correct, but don't confuse that with asking her out on dates. You DO NOT want to ask a WAS out on dates, because that is pressure and pressure is bad. It's fine to invite her along on family outings IF you're already planning on going even if she doesn't. That's what DR is talking about.

I am ultimately responsible for my actions and therefore my feelings.
It's a fact if she hadn't slept with OM I wouldn't be feeling this way.

That's true, but that doesn't make her responsible. I saw a picture of a Koala on MSN today, it had lost it's habitat to logging and it sat for over an hour on the spot where it's trees used to be looking very confused. It made me feel terrible. Whose fault is it that I felt so bad? The Koala's? The guys cutting down trees they were told to remove? Their boss? The landowner for selling the trees? The point I'm making is your feelings are your own. You may feel some way due to something outside of your control, but that doesn't mean someone else is "responsible" for your feelings. Your W is not doing these things to make you feel bad. She's doing it because she feels it's what's right for her. That's probably why she kept it a secret, she didn't want to hurt anyone.

If I steal a guys car and he is angry would I not be responsible for the way he feels at all?

No. All anger comes from pain. Each one of us is 100% responsible for our own anger, because while pain can be visited upon us by people or events, anger is completely our own decision.

The last few times W and I spoke it was about her thinking we should start again.
I told her I didn't know if I could get past her being with OM.
I told her I wanted space and time to get my head straight.
I don't understand how "Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them" applies here.

First you have to decide whether you want to reconcile or not. If not, then you don't have to act "as if" you're moving on, because you are moving on. But if you do, then you have to act "as if" to attract her back.

[stilllookingup]

Wow you guys have a serious blaming game going on. I can see from her last messages that she's pretty stubborn eh? Having this conversation oer texts will definitely not do anything good for your relationship.

Can you two maybe sit down together, lay out spendings and see where both of you can cut? I personally think it'd be far better than trying to convince her she spends more than you do. Idk the truth but it doesn't matter because no matter what you say to explain she is going to fight back.

[T1000]

The texting can get out of hand really quickly, glad I never responded now.

I think it's a great idea in principle. However the only things that I actually have the option to cut is:
- £120 I have left after all the bils are paid for the month. This is to cover food for me, food for the cats (her cats, yes blaming), food, diapers etc for the kids and other household consumables. That's £27 a week.
- My company car, she has always wanted me to drop the company car due to how much I get taxed on it. Yes it's an expensive tax but it's a saving in the long run. No car bills, no fuel bills.
Now I'm doing 350 miles a week just picking the kids up, that's the tax covered just on fuel.
No matter what angle I have tried she has never agreed with it and feel that is what she would expect to cut.

Not sure how she would feel about me seeing her finances.

I don't think I'm in the right emotional state of mind for such a conversation right now.
Theres so many things I want to say to her face right now that I couldn't take back.
I'm ashamed to admit it but I've just being screaming in the shower about how much I hate her right now I've lost my voice.

I'm more upset now about her and OM than I was about when she left and took the kids. Either I'm one very messed up person or it's because I was more in shock and just planned to get her and the kids back where this is something I know I cannot fix or get back ever.

[Papa4Life]

Hi T1000, I don't know the answer to your problem, but I can definitely say that you probably want to ease up on the texts. No need to respond to her immediately anyway, why do you think you need to live by her timetable? She wants a response? You'll get back to her when you have the time. Let her wait a bit. It'll give you time to center yourself and hopefully respond in a less emotionally charged manner.

Maybe the next time she sends a text that's laden with this kind of potential for a blowup you can just say, this is a difficult topic to talk about in a text. Let's talk about this the next time we see each other. That will give you the opportunity to listen and validate but still set your boundaries. Just a thought.

[lovethehub]

T1000, it seems to me she responded that way because she is testing the waters to see if you are able to get past the OM information or not. You couldn't give her what she wanted after the first round of texting so she switched tactics. Here is something to think about: You are both in your 30's, you have always had a hard time thinking about her with someone else, will that be different with someone else? Most likely, the people you meet are going to have had children in their previous relationship so not only will you have the knowledge that they were with someone else, you will have daily proof. It isn't going to be any different. Your w did not cheat, I know it is hard and I am sorry you have to go through this, but you were separated. You have wanted to work it out all along, take a deep breath, learn how to live with this and move forward together. The alternative isn't any prettier so why give up someone you love?

[T1000]

Hi T1000, I don't know the answer to your problem, but I can definitely say that you probably want to ease up on the texts. No need to respond to her immediately anyway, why do you think you need to live by her timetable? She wants a response? You'll get back to her when you have the time. Let her wait a bit. It'll give you time to center yourself and hopefully respond in a less emotionally charged manner.

Maybe the next time she sends a text that's laden with this kind of potential for a blowup you can just say, this is a difficult topic to talk about in a text. Let's talk about this the next time we see each other. That will give you the opportunity to listen and validate but still set your boundaries. Just a thought.

I agree. I should move it from text to an in person conversation.

[T1000]

T1000, it seems to me she responded that way because she is testing the waters to see if you are able to get past the OM information or not. You couldn't give her what she wanted after the first round of texting so she switched tactics. Here is something to think about: You are both in your 30's, you have always had a hard time thinking about her with someone else, will that be different with someone else? Most likely, the people you meet are going to have had children in their previous relationship so not only will you have the knowledge that they were with someone else, you will have daily proof. It isn't going to be any different. Your w did not cheat, I know it is hard and I am sorry you have to go through this, but you were separated. You have wanted to work it out all along, take a deep breath, learn how to live with this and move forward together. The alternative isn't any prettier so why give up someone you love?

I read this and it makes total sense me. I completely agree and it is probably something very similar to what I would say to someone else.

I just need to do the 'learn how to live with this' part.

I'm totally stuck right now.

I'm hoping my IC will help when I see him tomorrow.

[T1000]

Went to see IC this morning hoping for the magic pill to help me feel better but obviously he didn't have one.

He mentioned that my W and I have a different moral code. He asked me if I can live with someone with a different moral code.
Asked me how I would feel if I met someone like myself with a similar moral code.
I said if I add the preferences I had already in a partner and then to find one with the same moral code I would be looking a long time.
He didn't really point me one way or the other but I found whenever he mentioned anything that wasn't to do with reconciling with W I found it objectionable.

I have been thinking lately:
What would I do if I won the lottery?
and
What would if I do/feel if she started D?

4 weeks ago if I won the lottery I would have kept DBing.
Now I don't know. Too emotional to say.

I think if she started D I would panic.

I can vividly remember her telling me on Sunday. I play it though my mind every now and then to try and release it. Trying to live with it rather bottle it up. It helps if I'm sat on soft furniture I can punch.

Going to pick the kids up in a few hours. I'm going to be pleasant and act 'as if'.

[T1000]

Hmmm, interesting afternoon.

I haven't listened to any audiobooks this week, read no DR. Just visited these forums.
Before I left to pick up kids I was reading about retrospective jealousy and it really rang a bell with me. Different ways of dealing with it etc.

On the way to pick up kids I listened to an audiobook that really got me in a positive frame of mind.

When I got W house she was quiet. I acted as if.
When I left with the kids I suddenly got the feeling that if I didn't do something I was going to lose her and right now that is not what I want.

I'm going to text her something like this:

It's been a long confusing week and my head has been all over the place. Seeing you in person tonight has given me clarity.
I would like to discuss the future if your interested.

or

It's been a long confusing week and my head has been all over the place. Seeing you in person tonight has given me clarity.
I still want to work on a new relationship with you.

I would like peoples thoughts on this please.

Not sure what her response is going to be. I'm half expecting her to be stubborn because of how I have been this week.