DM45 LBS 4

[Dm45]

I read it 3 times. If i highlighted what applies to me in blue, and her in pink, i think it would be the whole book. There is a section that talks about people who let their boundaries get walked on for years and years, then bug out and run away, like my W. It says thats normal or ok but there come a point in time to come back to reality.

I don't want to control her. I love her, miss her, and want her back. My urge to control went way up when she left, to be sure.

I was controlling... But W has a friend who always has to ask H to go out, have lunch etc. W and I talked about that being weird on several occasions. We weren't like that. My W had LOTs of friends and went out with them LOTS.

Letting go and letting God....I keep giving this problem to Him, and take it back a few hours or a day or two later. I told my pastor I don't trust God on this sometimes anymore. God is good, but He's let terrible things happen throughout history, and I don't think I can bear for this to happen. So I try to control.

C suggested I step back, give space. I started (again) doing that and a week later got the letter from L requesting mediation.

My W accuses me, correctly, of letting go of the business over the past few years as I got more discouraged. It continued to get worse. Can letting go of this marriage possibly make it better? I am afraid she will think I've given up. That I'm ok with letting it die.

I was always ok with the possibility of the business failing, or losing friendships, money...but losing my marriage and family I am not ok with. I try, really try, to say in my mind "well, then, if that's the way she feels, if she doesn't want me then screw her." and that thought just doesn't fit in my brain.

And now I feel compelled to find out where S16 spent the night last night. I can assume with her, but a responsible father should know for sure, ahead of time even. There have been a couple nights in the last week when neither of us knew where he was.

I have C today at 3pm so I think I will try to find out where he was after that, as well as where he will be tonight, by asking him first as usual then W. Then I'll ask "Can we get together and talk about this situation?"