Well, as you probably know, the ban on Jedi marrying was due to changes in the structure of the Jedi Council and Jedi Order. Before 4,000 BBY, the Jedi Order was made up of loosely affiliated local groups. After the Great Sith War, they became a unified organization under the Jedi High Council, which began to reinterpret the Jedi Code. So... Wait, sorry. Wrong board
But seriously, I don't see the harm in being a bit lighthearted with your W. As long as you don't have any expectations of her reciprocating or even responding. We do what works, give it some time, see how they respond and adjust accordingly. Being more lighthearted might be a signal to your W that you are feeling positive no matter what happens in your sitch. But, as with all things, don't overdo it and don't get overly enthusiastic if she responds well.
Hey that reminds me. Star wars day is Saturday. May the 4th be with you!
It most certainly is and May the 4th be with you too. And there is never a wrong board to talk about Star Wars - it's relevant to everything in life!
I am going to take opportunities on this when they present themselves, and no longer hold back when I feel like making a joke at W's expense (not in an evil way, just light-hearted fun. I will only do this with just the 2 of us, not in front of others. I think she will enjoy it as its her style of humour - I think she has been trying to carry this on but maybe I have taken some of it the wrong way.
FY - I see you are able to post in 'real time' now. Thanks for your comment too, I will certainly test the water!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Not posted for a while because I've been trying to keep busy and not spend to much time on here. But also because I feel like I am ready to fail at this, and I have to be honest it doesn't really bother me much at the moment. I just want to get on with things now and stop this carry on, hurt, pain, and constant effort which seems to be getting me nowhere.
I think its because W is on a downer this week and in all honesty when she is like that I find her hugely unattractive and don't want to be with her any more. I know this sounds harsh - in fact it is harsh. I am talking about the woman i love more than anything in the world. But if this is what she has become I can't be with her anymore, I'll let some other sucker put up with it!
I am sure I will be on here again soon saying something completely different. Telling you all how she looks great and how much I want to be with her. Even whilst writing this I am changing my mind. I know its part of the roller coaster, and I am fine with that.
As a summary as to where we are. Well no matter how I try and communicate W finds a way of criticising. For instance:
Being Assertive = me having a tone to my voice Being Softly spoken rather than getting upset = being patronising Keeping quiet when I don't want to discuss something = 'why have you suddenly gone quiet'
Also, I am breaking a few rules, and I know it. For instance I asked W why she was stressed. Got a load of answers back that basically told me she was miserable. Well I knew that already!
Money is proving to be a problem at the moment, and even though I have done a 180 and decided to buy second hand, (where usually i always insisted on buying new), this is being overlooked because of shortage of money. So now my purchase for my new hobby, which W encouraged, feels like an extravagance. I am thinking of cancelling the purchase to save the money. Then again W is going away on a trip soon - so why should I?
D conversation. I think its just assumed by W that this is going to happen. She mentioned earlier in the week that if she can't get FT employment soon, she will just go and move into the cheapest rented place she can. What planet is she on? If we are struggling with money now, how does she think she can move out without FT work? Even with cheap rent, the bills that come with a place are very expensive - at least living here they are halved.
What are my goals - not sure any more What are my 180s - not sure any more What are my changes - well maybe its I don't care any more.
Sorry this whole post is very negative, its just how i feel at the moment. I think I want everything to happen much quicker and the patience is wearing thin. I knew at the start that I have issues with patience and if anything this was what would fail me.
And you know what, now I have vented - if feel so much better - and I think I take it all back. Shame I've thrown a few anti DBing grenades into our R through my frustration. Hope they have not done too much damage.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
2.4 ((((HUGS))))... go walk it off! I know how you feel!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hay, I totally get it mr2.4. I go back and forth almost every week. In my last post I asked if Bomb Dropping my W would wake her up!
Back in January after a rough few days I even did a web search for mail order brides! (don't look, they're all hot)
The thing is, if we give up, then what? It certainly is not going to be a quick resolution to all our pain, with a guarantee of happiness. Nope. We have to find our own happiness from within, no matter where we are.
Hang in there buddy!
-Real Time
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Unfortunately, one of my son's friends Mom is one...hot, but WAY too high maintenance ($$$ and drama) for me.
I'll stick by the trusty ol' PNA for now...
I like what has been said, at least you know your spouses issues, whereas someone new is, well, new. Box o'chocolates, don't know what you're going to get...wait, this sounds familiar somehow...
Just having some levity... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Mail Order Bride - No chance I already have a W thats is only hanging around for financial reasons!
One thing I do need to get good at is finding a way to talk to wife about things I have no interest in discussing. In most instances where validation is not relevant. Such as the discussion yesterday about moving anywhere to get away. What am I supposed to say to that? Of course I disagree, but can't say that. I don't want to say 'if thats what you want' because that would be suggesting its a good idea. So I keep quiet.
The problem with keeping quiet is it annoys W. She then finds more things to rattle my cage with, knowing that I will keep quiet, she will then pick me up on being quiet and not answering.
I need to stop this behaviour.
I know talking about D and W moving on is something I want to avoid, but I can't help think by avoiding it I am doing more of the same thing and making it look like I am not coping well. I need to be the strong person, the rock. How can I show this, if I can't even find the answers or words I need to in conversation. Is this detachment that is needed?
I've also decided I am going ahead with my purchase. Its my money. I know we have debt to pay off, but I can't spend all my life paying into that pot, especially when W is off buying things for her 'new place', and going away with 'friend'. I know this will probably make W think I am back to my old ways of spending what we don't have, but its a change from that. I always went top of range, and would borrow to get there. Now I am buying second hand, mid range, and I have the cash. Cash which W suggested I put towards this purchase. It may of course be a test by W, but I am not going to try and second guess that - i need to treat myself!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
One thing I do need to get good at is finding a way to talk to wife about things I have no interest in discussing. In most instances where validation is not relevant. Such as the discussion yesterday about moving anywhere to get away. What am I supposed to say to that? Of course I disagree, but can't say that. I don't want to say 'if thats what you want' because that would be suggesting its a good idea. So I keep quiet.
The problem with keeping quiet is it annoys W. She then finds more things to rattle my cage with, knowing that I will keep quiet, she will then pick me up on being quiet and not answering.
So would it be accurate to say that keeping quiet is not helping your relationship? That’s what it sounds like to me.
Ask her questions about the places she talks about moving to. The weather there, the economy, the lifestyle, etc. Mostly just listen and ask questions, but also offer what you know about each area. Allow her to feel comfortable discussing it with you. The more comfortable she is with you, the less chance of her actually moving out. This will require YOU becoming comfortable around (the new) her.
Don’t avoid the moving out conversation. You could even initiate it (when the time is right) with questions like:
If you could live anywhere you wanted, where would it be?
Where would you like to live when you retire?
Then allow her to open up and tell you all about it. Ask more questions. Help her fantasize and dream of a better future. One that you plan to remain part of. (but don’t tell her this!)
Quote:
I know talking about D and W moving on is something I want to avoid, but I can't help think by avoiding it I am doing more of the same thing and making it look like I am not coping well. I need to be the strong person, the rock. How can I show this, if I can't even find the answers or words I need to in conversation. Is this detachment that is needed?
I think it starts with being comfortable with yourself. You know the drill: Work on you, GAL, etc.
She'll know you are coping well just by watching you... and she is watching.
Nothing good can come from initiating the D or R topic. Don’t do it. Ever. But if she brings it up you must acknowledge it. Something like “It’s not what I want but I understand you have to do what you feel is right for you. I will not stand in your way.”
^^^This lets her know where you stand, while taking all the pressure off her to stay. It also leaves her wondering (I think) if leaving is really what she wants.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So would it be accurate to say that keeping quiet is not helping your relationship? That’s what it sounds like to me.
I think so. Its killing conversation. And therefore taking me back to how I was before which is avoiding confrontation. (in a way). I have realised I have been Mr Nice Guy over the past few years doing anything i can to keep her happy, even if walking away from arguments, and therefore not resolving issues. This keeping quiet is a more polite form of that in my eyes.
Quote:
his will require YOU becoming comfortable around (the new) her.
This is true. I think its also becoming comfortable with her talk of us being no longer together.
Quote:
Nothing good can come from initiating the D or R topic. Don’t do it. Ever. But if she brings it up you must acknowledge it. Something like “It’s not what I want but I understand you have to do what you feel is right for you. I will not stand in your way.”
^^^This lets her know where you stand, while taking all the pressure off her to stay. It also leaves her wondering (I think) if leaving is really what she wants.
I know this is right - but why am I so nervous of saying this. I feel its like I am passing her the keys to escape the cage. Wow - that statement says a lot doesn't it - need to think some more about what I just typed there.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I feel its like I am passing her the keys to escape the cage. Wow - that statement says a lot doesn't it - need to think some more about what I just typed there.
Lol. Yep. The tighter you hold on to her, the harder she will pull away. Let her go! This doesn't mean she will actually leave... it actually gives you the best shot that she won't.
No pressure, no guilt, no constantly taking her temp/seeking reassurances. She has none to give right now.
You want her to stay because she wants to. That's the only way this will work.
Work and focus on you. You can't fix or control her.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Not sure if to start a new thread on this here or in newcomers as I feel like I am back to square one. all prompted by a question to W that she took as a temperature check.
Not got time to post all now but will write and essay later!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
(don't look, they're all hot) 
