One thing I do need to get good at is finding a way to talk to wife about things I have no interest in discussing. In most instances where validation is not relevant. Such as the discussion yesterday about moving anywhere to get away. What am I supposed to say to that? Of course I disagree, but can't say that. I don't want to say 'if thats what you want' because that would be suggesting its a good idea. So I keep quiet.
The problem with keeping quiet is it annoys W. She then finds more things to rattle my cage with, knowing that I will keep quiet, she will then pick me up on being quiet and not answering.
So would it be accurate to say that keeping quiet is not helping your relationship? That’s what it sounds like to me.
Ask her questions about the places she talks about moving to. The weather there, the economy, the lifestyle, etc. Mostly just listen and ask questions, but also offer what you know about each area. Allow her to feel comfortable discussing it with you. The more comfortable she is with you, the less chance of her actually moving out. This will require YOU becoming comfortable around (the new) her.
Don’t avoid the moving out conversation. You could even initiate it (when the time is right) with questions like:
If you could live anywhere you wanted, where would it be?
Where would you like to live when you retire?
Then allow her to open up and tell you all about it. Ask more questions. Help her fantasize and dream of a better future. One that you plan to remain part of. (but don’t tell her this!)
Quote:
I know talking about D and W moving on is something I want to avoid, but I can't help think by avoiding it I am doing more of the same thing and making it look like I am not coping well. I need to be the strong person, the rock. How can I show this, if I can't even find the answers or words I need to in conversation. Is this detachment that is needed?
I think it starts with being comfortable with yourself. You know the drill: Work on you, GAL, etc.
She'll know you are coping well just by watching you... and she is watching.
Nothing good can come from initiating the D or R topic. Don’t do it. Ever. But if she brings it up you must acknowledge it. Something like “It’s not what I want but I understand you have to do what you feel is right for you. I will not stand in your way.”
^^^This lets her know where you stand, while taking all the pressure off her to stay. It also leaves her wondering (I think) if leaving is really what she wants.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
