Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

Okay, so she was saying things like:

-"Sometimes it's 11 o'clock at night and I just want to call you and tell you to come over, but I know that isn't fair to you and I know it isn't helping me be independent."
-"I DO care about you."
-"I am so sorry for all of this."
-"I feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions."

It reminded me of that desperate "I'm losing you, what can I say to fix it mode" that I have been in so many times before. It was mostly her talking, but things that I said were:

-"I am not going to be waiting around for you to make a decision anymore. I can't promise to be here waiting."
-"I am not a backup option."
-"My line was crossed and I have been doing a lot of thinking about what *I* want and what is "okay" with me.
-"I am making choices that make ME happy."
-"My focus is shifting to myself and my life with my girls."


At the end of it she asked for a hug. "I know you need space, but can I just have a hug?" Of course I gave her a hug.

I don't know how she's going to react from this. The two extremes are 1) that it might make her realize what she's losing and jolt her into wanting to reconcile at some point, and 2) she could get angry and convince herself that it is just me leaving her all over again and she is glad she got out. I'm not going to allow myself to waste my energy worrying about her reaction, I'm just going to be me.

That was really all I had to finish off what happened last weekend, but it WAS difficult for me after the fact. To see her in such pain and despair and have every cell in my body wanting to jump into action to help, and I just stood there as stoic as a stone. I can get off track and begin to second guess myself, but I recognize it quickly and can usually get back on track just fine.

It's what needed to be done. What we were doing wasn't working in any fashion.

An update from last night. We had been watching TV on Thursday nights together, but this week I again went to leave after tucking the last kid into bed (the oldest). She didn't get home from work until after I had begun tucking the kids in, and she changed the channel to her show that we typically watch together while I was upstairs with the girls. I came back down to make the youngest a "baba", saw the TV show that was on and began making smart-alecky comments about the show/actors/plot, etc...it's what I do to entertain myself: just make fun of whatever is going on. She was laughing and remarked "it is so much more fun watching this with you here than by myself."

I finished up and headed for the door, and she got up to walk me out. We briefly talked about the next day's schedule (today), and then she asked me for a hug. Again, of course, I gave her a hug. She began weeping.

I took the opportunity to reenforce what I said last Friday. She again talked about how she is fearful of not being able to make it, not being okay, feeling like she's never going to be okay, telling me she is back to crying 2-3 times per day. She kept apologizing for crying and said she really did just want a hug and didn't expect to break down right then.

I also took the opportunity to remind her to pray, even if it is just at night before she goes to sleep. I know what it feels like to feel alone and not be able to feel God there, but He is and He wants you to talk to Him, and He can help if you let Him. It's worth a shot.

I also told her that I knew she would make it just fine, that she WOULD be okay, and that *I* believed in HER, because - after all - "do you think I would let you just have my children if I thought otherwise?"

Regards,

-PM