"Believe nothing they say and 50% of what you see"
YOU ARE NOT A MIND READER!
Its great news I just dont want your emotions to be exposed and then all of a sudden she does a backslide that sends you reeling
keep 100% focus on you and like KD says- invite her along IF YOU WANT HER TOO. If you dont; do for YOU with no guilt.
Its great to see some good news
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Thanks PS. I am not a mind reader. I think I'm already cynical about the sitch. I feel the hope rising and I try to squash it reminding myself that my happiness is not dependant on R. I have already proven I can function in my own space and on my own. I will keep posting because I am my own worst enemy. I will do my best to remain focused on me. But my end game is to have a new, better marriage. It's a balancing act of emotions.
The more I focus on me, the more she will be focused on me. She has told me a couple of times over the past few days prior to this revelation of "ending it" that she "wishes she had an ounce of my strength and direction." I told her she would find it. That I was in a good place but it took a lot of work to get here.
Tonight will be more DR reading. I need to go back to the earlier chapters b/c when I found MWD she had already moved out was in A and I had to go straight into LRT. I need to sharpen up the other strategies and relationship skills.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I was over on Positivespin's thread learning about his sitch and I came across something AnotherStander said to him a few weeks back that resonates with me and why I am feeling so unsure about W returning for indefinite amount of time...
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
...true detachment takes many months! If you feel detached when she's away but not when she's there, then you're not detached. You'll know you're detached when you feel the same whether she's there or not. There's a certain ambivalence to it, it's not that you don't care about her, it's more that what she says and does doesn't impact you anymore. Your emotions will no longer change during interactions with her.
That's me. I feel less in control of my emotions at the thought of her returning. BD, S, and now this "ending it" is all in a 4 month time span. Fast compared to so many people.
While I was reading PSpin's thread my W texted me to ask me if I had taken care of the internet problem with our cable company. Huh? Oh yeah? The problem we had last August when I was a crazy, crying banshee and you were sneaking around? No. It slipped my mind. I didn't say all that of course! I just said, "No I haven't. Thanks for reminding me. I will call them when I get home today."
She texted me 30 minutes later.. "I took care of the cable comany issue. Everything should be fine when you get home. Xo"
Huh? Really? What? Are you doing things for me? Huh? Really? What?... Seriously. Huh?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Remember she needs to pursue you. Dont push her away- just keep doing what you have been doing to get you here.
If the last few days didnt happen what are you doing tonight?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Even though we look to other sitchs to help us with our own, you are doing a good job not reacting. No worries.
If she wants to do something like that, unless it is somehow overstepping some boundary that you have, then where's the harm.
What ever her thoughts might be on the matter, that's up to her.
So long as you keep working on being detached and not putting meaning into things that she does or says, whether positive or negative, then you are doing fine.
Odd. My mental landscape regressed last night and I spent hours continuing to give the A and the OW free rent in my head. I was back to "obsessing" about them together and the OW as a person (we've known each other for years... she was a friend.)
Thought stopping was useless. I googled and googled. But why? This morning I am thinking that maybe I was trying to make myself angry again. To tap into the pain so that when my W comes back for this "visit" or whatever it is... that I remember. That I'm careful of my heart. Maybe as some kind of defense mechanism?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Keep breathing. Meditative breathing. Over and over.
Keep your mind calm. Don't assume that any news about what W is or isn't doing with her A equates to a change in anything about your R. Be observant about what she's doing. Be pleasant. Focus on you and your changes. Let your goal be to master the fine art of STFU (as T^2 would say).
Be sure to make space to breathe and take care of yourself while she's with you. It's easy to get sucked down unhelpful paths. It's critical to have ways to get yourself quickly recentered.
No matter what, accept and embrace that it will be a learning process.
Yes. This is excatly what my sister counseled me on this morning.
Originally Posted By: StubbornDyke
Don't assume that any news about what W is or isn't doing with her A equates to a change in anything about your R.
SD you are very right. And so is KD, that I should not set any expectations.
It's maddening though. The not knowing what she is thinking and not being able to ask or bring it up b/c I know she will scurry into the shadows again. So I will STFU! Ya know what this means for my DB forum friends?!?! "Watch Out! RT's crazy posting again over in Newcomer's!" LOL!!
She has already found a random, non-emergent reason to text me this moring. She called me "Honey". I'm in the Twilight Zone.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Soak it all in RT. You are an amazing strong woman & can handle what she throws at you.
You know I like to mindread…I seems to me like she is trying. Trying to be open and getting herself ready for more conversation with you that will obviously need to happen. Just stick with her timeframe & you'll do fine.
Happy Friday!
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
JOURNAL: Whooooaaaa! I just got a taste of how hard R and rebuilding trust REALLY will be if we ever even reach that point.
My W has been texting me stupid (but funny jokes) this morning. One made her laugh at herelf so hard she called me becasue "LOL" just wasn't enough". We spoke for a minute after laughing at her joke. She told me she is going out with an old school friend who happens to live near her brother. (I met her once) When she called to confirm with her, the old friend told her that she and her partner had split up and were in the middle of a custody dispute. I said "Aw... I hate that for them and their son. It sounds like she needs a friend."
That's what came out of my mouth thanks to DB. But.... What went on in my head was a whole different story. Jealousy. Mis-trust. What if? Going out alone? Drinking?
I already have plans with some friends tonight myself. GAL. Nothing has changed but my WAW has been weirldy nice to me for the past few days. GAL. Focus. PMA
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
