Your questions are good ones and certainly ones I have asked myself.
Originally Posted By: mizjjd
Do you feel that if you make contact with XSO that its going to make a difference?
I guess it depends on what you mean by a difference. Do I think that contact will miraculously turn the relationship around? I do not at all. No expectations of that. But do I feel that me taking the first step might make some difference? I guess I do. As I said in answer to B's post I feel because of the distance that sitting back forever especially the way we left things would not mend themselves. One of us has to make the first move.
Do you feel withholding contact is going to be the deal breaker for the two of you? In that, "if only" you had contacted him there would be a reunion.
I am not expecting a reunion. Not even close. I really just do not at this point know how else to convey or pave the way home. If someone does not make at least a baby step then what is the point of all this? I know GAL and all that but that is what got me into trouble in the first place.
Doesn't this put a reunion entirely upon you, upon YOUR actions? What kind of a reunion would that be?
I have not even thought that far ahead to a reunion. Just making a first move to open that door. I agree with Snodderly and Bright that it may be too soon to make that contact but sooner or later me waiting will fall into the category of "not working". I really am not looking for anything huge but a change.
I know that in my sitch, different from yours in some key ways, I am currently dealing with the "physical" estrangement. Ahem But I am NOT mentioning this, or making a move on H because "by the powers above", if there is to be ANYTHING changed, its going to be because H makes the effort.
MizJ. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to live in the same space as H while he is in MLC. The difference between our sitches is very different. Your H has refused to leave. Even when he was away, he has kept the line of communication open. Right now my xSO has vanished. Please do not think I have no sympathy for your plight, you know I do. But right now there is no relationship. Not even one sided. I will not let my life stand still for him but I do at the end of the day want to know I have done all I can.
My friend. Thank you for your questions. I do have many many moments when I think I do not want anything to do with him and should just walk away. I have these angry moments. I know our relationship was not perfect. If he never contacted me again I would be fine. But then I remember what I have learned of MLC and the pain he may be experiencing and even if there is never a reconciliation - and I do know the odds are slim to none that there will be - I feel that the right thing to do is see this through. Even as the death knell tolls.
I am trying to take care of me. He is nowhere near me and I am still on the rollercoaster; I have only me to blame for that.
I can recall him saying to me at BD that it did not matter if it was two weeks or two months, he would come after me. Just words again. Of course, I did not realize that at that time there was someone else helping him gimp along.
Our last conversation I told him that he could not destroy me and that my own happiness was in my power. He was hurt by that, but I told him that was not my intention. It is true, he won't destroy me - not even close. But the more he neglects and stays away, the more he destroys his chances of returning. He does not care about that now and might never care about that, but I do. That state means detachment. YAY!
It has been four weeks since I have spoken to xSO. Do you know that surprised me? Those weeks sure flew by! Busy making plans for the summer and seeing the bottom of my inbox.
I am not perfect, I still think of him sometimes and wonder what he is doing and how he is doing. But strangely, as we move further apart, I begin to see that even if he asked right now if we could get back together, I am not sure of my answer. There is love, but there is also immense hurt and no trust at all. I am also losing the desire to contact him, not because he will "miss me" but because I need to move forward. Clearly he is done with me.
Saw a show the other night called Betrayed while flipping the channels (I seldom watch TV). It is a show about how couples have handled infidelity. Besides being rather appalled at how prevelant infidelity is, one of the stories was about a couple who were married 20 years (4 kids) when the husband began a two year affair. He described himself as grieving after losing his mother and sister to cancer in a short period of time and becoming careless as to his priorities (MLC?). When the W found out, she divorced him quick. BUT, 20 years later at the insistence of their children they entered counselling and a year later renewed their vows. Holy cow - 20 years! I guess anything can happen.
I saw your post on my thread, but I thought I'd answer you here because I hogged up 3 whopping posts responding to the ugly head of al-anon.
Disclaimer for those not familiar w/my thread and sitch. NOTHING WRONG WITH AL-ANON!! NOTHING AT ALL!! I just don't feel it would be a good fit for me, and have discussed my feelings, at length, twice now lol, on my own thread.
You mentioned that your H changed his idea of how you two should handle your finances, and that this bothered you. I don't blame you at all! Also,
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He could not get it through his head that we as a couple should do what was right for US and not simply subscribe to how HE thinks this marriage utopia should look like.
My H does something similar to this as well. He seems to actually believe television portrayals of families. Thinks because we don't do X like such and such fictional family that means our family is deficient. "Not much of a family" is one of his lines.
Maybe this is their way of finding excuses, "reasons" to want to run from their current sitch. Kind of a "see, we don't have "it" like we're supposed to have "it" ".
You're right, the ow will indeed be under a lot of pressure to serve up a Stepford Wife picket fence lifestyle. As would your SO be under a lot of pressure to also deliver his bit, his role, in that fantasy. Back when I was still engaging with H, I would point out that while no, we didn't act like the wife/mom and kids on the tv, he also didn't act like the husband/dad. LOL, he would either ignore this observation or explain that "if only" me and the kids were up to snuff, then he too could be
It is amazing how fast time can fly, isn't it? You and I are coming up on 8 months here on DB...
It sounds like the days are getting a little easier for you... just watch out for those rogue waves, they come slap me upside the head every now and again. I think we are both making progress though, maybe not "perfect" (like those dang fictional characters!!) but maybe "good enough"!!
Take care!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I saw the reference to al-anon and sighed on your behalf
Originally Posted By: mizjjd
My H does something similar to this as well. He seems to actually believe television portrayals of families. Thinks because we don't do X like such and such fictional family that means our family is deficient. "Not much of a family" is one of his lines.
Maybe this is their way of finding excuses, "reasons" to want to run from their current sitch. Kind of a "see, we don't have "it" like we're supposed to have "it" ".
I think this is spot on. My xSO had all these crazy expectations about what "family life" should be - all unrealistic. He holds up his own parents as examples but refuses to see that there were problems there as well - his father was an alcoholic, his mother dependent, unconfirmed allegations of abuse of his sister by father - and 100% of the children produced from that marriage have engaged in cheating on their partners. Yep, model family. But he sees none of that, only the "love" his parents shared. No doubt they did, it is just that I am sure they had difficulties which he was unaware.
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It sounds like the days are getting a little easier for you... just watch out for those rogue waves, they come slap me upside the head every now and again. I think we are both making progress though, maybe not "perfect" (like those dang fictional characters!!) but maybe "good enough"!!
Thank you. Those rogue waves still hit with full force at the oddest times. It has been over a month now since I have heard from xSO. I am finally not checking the phone in the middle of the night to see if he called. My pendulum swings all of the time - contact him, not contact him. The truth is, I want him to contact me because that at least shows me that he remembers I am still here. The other half of me thinks that someone needs to wave a white flag or we are never going to get past this.
If I had to guess, though, I think life is going exactly the way he wants it to go. He finally has that GF in close proximity. She has kids, so he is no longer the odd man out in his group of friends and he has increased his participation in work activities. Right now I don't even think the WHO matters, it is all the trappings of the life he wants. Will it last? Who knows but it will take a very long time to play out, I believe. He may feel a pang every now and then for me, but I believe that his feelings died for me long ago. I was just the last to know.
That is the real reason that I have been able to stay no contact. If he is truly not coming back to me, I would prefer not to open that wound again because I know that the drama for me would begin all over again.
Thank you. Those rogue waves still hit with full force at the oddest times. It has been over a month now since I have heard from xSO. I am finally not checking the phone in the middle of the night to see if he called. My pendulum swings all of the time - contact him, not contact him. The truth is, I want him to contact me because that at least shows me that he remembers I am still here. The other half of me thinks that someone needs to wave a white flag or we are never going to get past this.
Don't they (the rogue waves) though? Lol, can be out of a clear blue sky.... strange stuff.
It sounds like you're getting a little stronger. I know what you mean about checking the phone - I used to do that alot right after bd. I can't imagine how much I would have done, would be doing that in your sitch. You are making progress. It doesn't seem to be in the direction you want maybe, but who knows what's around the corners in life?
I understand wholeheartedly about you wanting him to contact so you'll know you still matter to him. Remember that MLCers often have screwy senses of time, he may well have no idea its been so long since you two have spoken.
Their memories are just shredded. The other day, H asked me what route I took to a track meet. I told him the road, he said he didn't know it. I said "Oh sure you do. It's the one that has that big gray house with the doberman. Remember? When we were doing our walks (this was less than a year ago) we went down that road all the time." H looks at me like I've grown 10 heads, totally blank. I said, "You don't remember when we went on walks, do you?" "Nope."
Sigh.
Keep up that PMA Portia. I think you're doing a great job
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I get those rogue waves too!! So out of the blue. I'll be coasting along then out of nowhere an emotion(great sadness) hits me. Enough pain and turmoil in the world.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
WBW, thank you for stopping by. More like rogue tsunamis, aren't they?
MizJ, I love your sunny outlook and thank you for your positive voice. Even if you really wanted to tell me to forget about the trout, you encouraged me instead. That means much to me. I have heard of the bad memories of MLCers. But the last time we spoke he actually mentioned the time frame... I recall him saying there was something he had not wanted to ask me in eight months. I guess I was pretty convincing that he was free to go. He sure went but this time he had no tears or pleas, just silence and an acknowledgment that no one would be able to make him laugh like me. Silence ever since.
Is anyone a Douglas Adams fan? Answer to the universe is 42? Anyway, both of us were fans of his sense of humour. In his most famous book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the group finds a special gun that was apparently invented by SAHMs to try to get their Hs to understand what they went through on a daily basis because of course their Hs thought they had it easy. Point the gun and shoot and miraculously the Hs then understood what their Ws feelings were. I thought this would be a great invention. We could point those guns at our partners and they could feel and then actually empathize with what the LBS feels as they roll through our lives.
I wish I knew if this silence is forever. The longer it goes on the more that it must be. I get stronger but that does not stop me from wondering. The longer it goes on the more I fear that the relationship with the GF has become more serious and that if he calls I will have to hear about it. I think I would rather not hear from him if she is in the picture. Or at least not for a very long time.
But I am NOT mentioning this, or making a move on H because "by the powers above", if there is to be ANYTHING changed, its going to be because H makes the effort. 
