Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Thanks Portia and RH for your words of kindness.

Writing this morning because I am having a little of an emotional set back.

Last night I went to Divorce Care class. I hadn't gone the past couple of weeks because I needed a break. Well, the class went well, but the topic was emotional aspects of divorce on children. Sent me into a tizzy emotionally. Luckily, it seemed to be confirmed that I am doing the best I can with my children, I am even avoiding all the wrong things to do. So I am really glad that I am giving 1000% on that topic.

But, the group updates are what really kills me emotionally...and then I start thinking of my sitch. I found myself back in love with my husband again. Remembering our 15 years together. I soooooo want my husband back in my life and my children's life. I was so tempted to email him last night, but didn't and went to sleep, which sleeping didn't go to well last night as I was emotionally reeling.

It kills me that it seems my H is so angry all the time. I have been putting my best foot forward and am pleasant and positive when he is around all the time, but nothing seems to make him happy, at least not that I have seen. He doesn't spew, but he doesn't crack a smile not even when he sees the boys.

I miss my old H. He would have a permanent smile on his face as soon as he woke up in the morning.

I guess I am feeling a little hopeless today. There are no connections anymore, no interactions as a family, no conversations, even about the weather. This makes me feel like I am lost. I feel like there is nothing more I can do...and I want to know that I am doing my all to save myself, my children, my H and my marriage and family.

I feel that it may look to my H as if I have given up on our marriage and family and it may be pushing him further away instead of bringing him closer. Is there a time when too much space is no good? What more can I do? I know the answer is nothing, I just wish I saw something. Something that showed that we, or even the children, were still in his heart.

So lost in an emotionally state this morning, but still good everywhere else. I miss MY husband. I can't even say that he is that person anymore, and seems too content on keeping things the way the are if not worse.

My son said a few days ago that Daddy came to them and said that he was sorry things were the way they are and that me and him would never be together again. OUCH!!! Could he really be that happy with OP that he would throw everything away like this? I know, fog. But sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself. Maybe a life with us was something he never wanted. 15 years, down the drain...emotional pain and damage all over the place...things said and done that will have long lasting if not forever effects. UGH!

I am not sure I can endure anymore, but know it would be worth it if I keep pushing along. Patience is wearing on me, my faith is dwindling, and my fears are surfacing. I even fear a reconciliation as I know all the hard work that would have to be put in and I don't even know if I am doing any of the work I need to do now. And what IF (big IF) we did, and that failed too. I don't think I could go through this again. That is a big fear for me.

Maybe I am just emotionally drained and physically tired. Sorry for the rant this morning.

I know there is so much more I feel and could say, but what is the point. The one person that I want to say it to the most, wouldn't and couldn't care less. The one person who would give me a big hug, comfort ME, and tell me everything will be okay is gone...and I am starting to feel like he is gone forever.

Okay, soooooo who wants to whack me with one of those virtual 2x4's????