To more fully answer you, Charlie Brown, H views his gambling as a "business". His bankroll is his capital, and he views it as sacred toward the ends of achieving a career as a gambler. From what he has said, I think he envisions a future living at the casino and gambling for income at least 3 or 4 days a week. He wants to be able to earn his living this way - without a "day job".
He has asked me at what point I would be comfortable with him doing this. I told him we would have to have our home loan of $30,000 paid off and at least $10,000 in the bank. So far, not much progress has been made on those two fronts. I don't see any of his gambling money, because he wants to increase his bankroll so he can be comfortable moving to a higher minimum blackjack table (he plays $5 tables now). A couple times he has mentioned giving me some of his winnings. Once in the form of
"if I hadn't had a losing trip this weekend, I was going to give you some money for bills"
and more recently,
"I'm almost at the point where I would be comfortable giving you some money for bills".
I have no idea if/how "we" play into his future life in the casino - I don't ask.
H has always been tight with money... rather interesting set up for finances in our house. H has always made far more money than me - in fact for 14 years I was a SAHM. But I've always been the one in charge of bank accounts and bills. When he made more than our monthly bills, he'd give me exactly what the budget called for, and keep the rest. Now, he just direct deposits his entire paycheck into my account. The only problem with this arrangement, and I have to take at least 50% responsibility here (I see this NOW - it only took me 20 years, lol) is there is no "extra" built into the budget. So historically, if "something" came up and I needed extra one month, I'd have to rob Peter to pay Paul. This is of course a slippery slope and before long I'd have to go to H. This would result in a big blow up because his pocket, although sometimes fairly deep, was tightly closed.
H thought I should somehow "cut costs" but I'm really fairly frugal - not a coupon queen though I do use them. And I am not extravagant. H grouched not long ago "there's never any snack food in the house!" Well no, its too much $ for my budget!
I remember a couple years back when his mom gave him $5000 he told me
"And its mine. Only for me."
This isn't too unusual for couples I guess, there's even a term for it "financial infidelity". Although, H wouldn't lie about not having money when he did, he just would flat out refuse to give it to me. (Although, it WOULD NOT surprise me to learn he has a stash of oh IDK, $10,000 somewhere)
To play shrink, maybe he's always felt to much is taken/demanded from him? He's definitely not good at "sharing" things... nearly got violent with S20 when, at age 12, the boy ate one of H's sandwiches. SMH
Off for work!!
Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” – Les Brown
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am always interested when married couples talk about their finances. As my xSO was entering into the tunnel, one of things that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up was the insistence that everything earned was shared and that I would not be allowed to have my own bank account separate from a family joint bank account.
Now, I do not personally subscribe to your H's school of thought of what is mine is mine but I do agree that I have worked very hard to be where I am professionally and if I want some "fun money" out of that, I should be allowed. And, if I want to get him a gift or if he wanted to get me one, having it come out of the joint account seems kinda dumb to me.
There were no issues with kids or one of us being the sole breadwinner which is quite different.
He could not get it through his head that we as a couple should do what was right for US and not simply subscribe to how HE thinks this marriage utopia should look like. In some ways, if he continues to believe in the utter fantasy of the white picket fence and having no trouble within it, this GF is going to have a lot of pressure on her to perform her wifely role to a tee. He once said to me that he chose her because "she already had that", referring to "married life". Yep, a she did a bang up job of it as well, given that the ink is barely dry on her divorce decree.
Would you, kml and fy, have felt the same way? I think oldtimer came closer with the idea of "process addict".
I have looked up "signs of gambling addiction" - because of your responses here.
1.The gambler's life is now centered on gambling and how to acquire money with which to gamble. A preoccupied gambler may duck out of certain obligations and spend money designated for other purposes just to fulfill the gratification gained by gambling. H has a gambling budget - has never asked me for house money to go gambling with. He started his gambling with funds earned from donating plasma. Prior to gambling? He didn't contribute his plasma money to the house then either, it has always been his pocket money. 2.People with a gambling disorder will play until their last dollar is spent. Never has. 3.A problem gambler may, unsuccessfully, try to control or stop their gambling. H has had one other period of intense gambling. It was about 9 years ago. He supported our family for 4 months this way. When he felt it was interfering with the family he stopped. Without any signs of "withdrawal". 4.Pathological gamblers may also use gambling to escape from the world. They may be attempting to run away from their problems or to combat negative feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression. This one I'll agree with, "helplessness, guilt, anxiety and depression" for sure. 5.The gambling addict may also become a chaser of losses. In other words, when the gambler losses money, he or she returns the next day to try to gain it back or get even with the house. Haven't seen this. H has a per diem gambling budget - when its gone, he's gone (from the casino). This is an area of discipline for him. 6.Lying to friends and family about the amount of time and money spent gambling is a definite warning sign of a gambling disorder. H was hiding his gambling from his mother. When he spent the 2 weeks with them, this ended. There is no one he lies to about gambling - he doesn't find it shameful. 7.Problem gamblers continue to gamble despite risking or losing significant relationships or aspects, like school or career, of their lives. Our R was in trouble before the gambling began, BD occurred prior to the gambling.
Breaking this post up in the interests of readability.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am not defending H - just saying that as so many like to say "OP is just a symptom", I could say the same about H's gambling. Or
Quote:
playing hockey, coaching hockey, building boats out of pvc and fiberglass, playing golf, building a business, building a house
because he has done each of these things obsessively over the course of our marriage. For a while, he was determined to join the seniors golf tour. Practiced for hours and hours and hours. Got up super early to go to the driving range before work, and went again after work. Total immersion.
That is standard practice for H. Total immersion. Then, after a while, something takes the shine off whatever his passion of the moment is, and he drops it.
This, is what he did with me. I've seen him also do this with pets. He got himself a doberman just before we moved to Ohio so he could build this house
(another obsession he has now dropped. House is livable - 4 walls and a roof, heating, a/c, etc - but still not finished. I doubt it ever will be, because he's lost interest in it.)
and he was ALL about the dog for a few months. By the end of the year he was telling me to get rid of it. (I didn't.) This is the second dog he has done this to.
The serial obsession routine can be annoying - however, it also has paid the bills for our family because when H had his own business it too was an obsession for a while.
But, did you catch the part about the 12 year old and the sandwich?
Quote:
He's definitely not good at "sharing" things... nearly got violent with S20 when, at age 12, the boy ate one of H's sandwiches.
THAT was truly appalling!
Breaking post again.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
There is much more about my H that leads me toward "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" rather than gambling addiction.
But then, I come to a point of wondering... so what?
So what if I can say "H acts the way he does because he suffers from X, or Y"?
The end result is, he's a jerk. Knowing the "why" of his behavior does make it a bit easier to deal with but its kind of like knowing "why" someone has shot you - you still have to contend with the bullet. And, in my case, I have to contend with knowing H is unlikely to change his behavior.
Even if he is in MLC, and I do believe that he is, frankly he wasn't all that terrific before. His issues are life long. So, his "leaving the tunnel", not sure I'd know the difference lol.
And, finally, no thank you on the al anon. (Oldtimer and I have thoroughly discussed this on a prior thread.)
Do I have attributes of a co-dependent? Yes, some.
I am not remotely, even a tiny tiny bit, interested in attending an al-anon session. This was my response to OT,
Quote:
OT, I do not feel that the "type" of meetings you suggest are appropriate for me. I have some (limited) experience with these due to my brother. The people at these meetings have tangible addictions in their loved ones. What am I supposed to say. "Hi my name is MizJ and my husband used to golf. Oh, and he's generally speaking not that great of a husband." No. Thank you, but no.
and I stand by it. H's gambling causes no more harm than his golfing did. Its more his entire mindset, that all the sandwiches are for him, that is damaging.
Thank you for checking in with me.
~ have a great day!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Quite frankly, I would prefer gambling to any other addiction in MLC - drugs, alcohol, OWs. As long as he is not siphoning household funds, at least you know where he is and where his mind is! I wish I could say the same.
I have faith in us! We will make it to wherever it is we are going.
I don't believe that anyone suggested that you get help for H. The concern here is that you seek help for yourself for your own well-being and better managing your own choices and moving toward more healthy behavior.
I agree with you -- the precise nature of your husband's affliction is irrelevant. It is impossible to know if he suffers from NPD or some sort of addictive/compulsive personality disorder unless he seeks treatment. Nevertheless, because of his affliction and how you choose to manage its influence in your life, your relationship is damaging to you. All you can control is yourself.
The denial throughout your posts is pretty thick. It is easy for people in a different place to see. It is kind of like reading a newcomer's thread in which it is pretty darn obvious that an OP is involved and the newcomer remains in denial and persists in behavior that hurts both the self and the R.
It isn't stubbornness or stupidity or weakness on their part. Denial is powerful stuff.
People are just hoping to get through to you so that you can find your way to a healthier place.
