A New Me 2

[Grizz]

Same fears here jp. I would be an absolute mess if W remarried. Just thinking of her with another man truly makes me ill. I offer my support. Good luck.

[uRworthy]

J, I want you to know that I had to go out tonight, but, I couldnt get you out of my head.

I am so sorry if I upset you. That is never my intent.

You do have a way of taking just little snippets of posts, ignoring the rest and latching on to that one thing.

So, you took one sentence out of my post, and that is all you saw.

It's ok. It's just not a good thing for you.

I want to tell you something. When all this happened with my h, I thought I wasnt going to make it through it. Mach showed you one of my first posts.

I understand completely what your fears are. I had similiar ones.

And I just want you to understand where they are coming from.
Because when you do, you can face them.

You wrote this:

Is is that I think I failed? Is it rejection? Is it control/possession? Is it insecurity?

Really think about it. It could be all of them.

What is is about failure, rejection, insecurity, control that makes this fear so powerful?

I know for me, failure, rejection and insecurity was firmly rooted in my lack of self worth.

Once I was able to see who I was and that I was ok, the fears lessened.

When the fears of insecurity and failure lessen, the ability to see yourself in a more positive light grows.

Which is where I want you to start going.

I see so many things in you, J. I see a sense of humor and a gentleness. I see the ability for you to be brutally honest about your feelings.

I see someone who is trying to find his way.

I am not letting you off the hook because I believe in you.

What is it about fear of failure and loss of control and insecurity that makes it so powerful?

Gotta dig deep, my friend to face your fears. Only then can you really grow.

[jp787]

I have been thinking about my fears.

1. I am allowing my fear of something that hasn't happened run my thoughts, hence while I am worrying I am not working on me.

2. I understand that if I end up divorced and my W remarries I wont die, I get that. So that fear can be challenged. Then I am left with the hurt and pain. If this were to come to pass, I "fear" well no, I know that I would be in great pain, not physical, but emotional. How does one get through that?
Is that why I am to work on my self worth and esteem, so that if that were to happen it would not hurt so much? I mean I know I need to find my self worth and esteem regardless.

So I must fear hurt, pain emotional most.

"What is it about fear of failure and loss of control and insecurity that makes it so powerful?"

I think I fear what others think of me, just as I rely on others for my happiness, I fear that people wont like me or will not love me or I am unlovable. I fear being alone, why? Because I base my happiness on others. I don't like myself?
What if I was alone, what would happen? I would not die, yet I would be sad.

So right now I need someone else to love me, be with me to feel ok. Well that isn't entirely true either, I mean my mom loves me and lives close, but she doesn't fit my need. I have a friend or two, they don't fit that need. My W fits that need. My W mothered me to an extent, does that fill my void? getting what I missed from my mom?

Ugh this is so confusing...

[sayitaintso]

Nice work JP.

Continue to question and be skeptical of your fears and beliefs.

Most of the pain you are experiencing now or envisioning experiencing in the future are based in these fear based beliefs that you have developed since childhood.

Challenge them and as you slowly (dreadfully slowly sometimes :)) peel the layers back the truth will begin to surface and you will be able to consciously choose what to believe in and how you wish to live your life.

I was totally co-dependent on my stbx and based my happiness and self worth in our relationship.

Its an exhausting life to live when you have to try to control other people in your life in order for you to feel a certain way.

Much more peaceful when you can provide for yourself and love yourself from within.

These thoughts are just my opinion.

Best JP

[Positivespin]

JP,

Im an idiot and I oversimplify things that are very complex way too often........

Are you telling me that the reason why you are grasping on to your wife like a passenger on the Titanic clinging on to a lifeboat is because you are afraid she might get re-married maybe someday to somebody else?

Give her some room JP

If she needs to leave let her go- its the ONLY way you will have a strong relationship in the future

but you have to, you must, work on you....and that focus on YOU needs to start NOW

What was your one goal yesterday? Did you accomplish it?

Before my wifes PA was confirmed I used to have those thoughts- its fear of the unknown

now I know my wife is _________ two other men.

Do I stay or do I go - MY choice
Do I file D or not - MY choice
Do I leave the house or not - MY CHOICE
Do I leave the state with D3 - MY choice

TRUST ME JP- if it happens you will be FAR more equipped to deal with it than you are right now. You will also have transitioned yourself along the way

Your stronger then you think my friend

[jp787]

This is hard, but I don't have any friends. How does one go out and make new friends. Remember I am 44 and have zero self esteem ;-)
This is something I need.

[uRworthy]

OK, I have to ask a question and I am embarrassed by it. I have been here almost 6 years and never bothered to find out how to show someone else's quote. Can you help?

There I said, it. I faced a fear I have of appearing incompetent. I didnt like it, but, there you go!

Ok, J. first of all, so proud of you, my friend. Good on you for beginning to articulate your fears. First step, sweetie.

I have been thinking about my fears.

1. I am allowing my fear of something that hasn't happened run my thoughts, hence while I am worrying I am not working on me.
TRUE!!! And you worrying is not going to change the outcome.
So, waste of time and enerygy.

2. I understand that if I end up divorced and my W remarries I wont die, I get that. So that fear can be challenged. Then I am left with the hurt and pain. If this were to come to pass, I "fear" well no, I know that I would be in great pain, not physical, but emotional. How does one get through that?
The only was through it, is to do it. You get through it
one step at a time. You process the grief and anger. You
allow yourself time. You slowly start living again. You
just do it because there is no other choice. Many others
have gotten through it before you.

Is that why I am to work on my self worth and esteem, so that if that were to happen it would not hurt so much? I mean I know I need to find my self worth and esteem regardless.
No, you must work on your self worth because it is a
necessary and vital part of being a healthy person. It is
necessary in order to love and be loved. I wish I could
tell you that if you have high self esteem, that it
would hurt less. But, you know J, I always keep it real.
It doesnt. what it does do is help you deal with it in a
healthy, more positive manner.

So I must fear hurt, pain emotional most.

"What is it about fear of failure and loss of control and insecurity that makes it so powerful?"

I think I fear what others think of me, just as I rely on others for my happiness, I fear that people wont like me or will not love me or I am unlovable. I fear being alone, why? Because I base my happiness on others. I don't like myself?
What if I was alone, what would happen? I would not die, yet I would be sad.
No one needs another person in order to be happy.
Happiness must come from within. You might want another
person as they may enrich your life. There is a
difference. Again, that is why you need to feel worthy.
Because you should not base your happiness on others.
That puts enormous pressure on them and stops you from
finding contentment within you. And you may be sad if
you were alone, but, that would be your choice.

So right now I need someone else to love me, be with me to feel ok. Well that isn't entirely true either, I mean my mom loves me and lives close, but she doesn't fit my need. I have a friend or two, they don't fit that need. My W fits that need. My W mothered me to an extent, does that fill my void? getting what I missed from my mom?
Again the only person you NEED to love you, is you.

Ugh this is so confusing...
It is confusing, J, but let's please stay with it. You are doing great. This is important stuff for you to figure out.

Keep going.

[Positivespin]

JP

You seem to be the most popular guy in this place

Support groups, classes, clubs, volunteerism

Do you live near a hospital or a library? They offer all kinds of cooking classes, anxiety support groups etc,

Do you live near a United way office? Is the company you work for affiliated with the local Chamber of commerce? TONS of opportunities there

I Live in a VERY rural area . I make these suggestions because I HAVE DONE THEM

JP- you and I are very similar. I was that way 7 years ago

[jp787]

OK, I have to ask a question and I am embarrassed by it. I have been here almost 6 years and never bothered to find out how to show someone else's quote. Can you help?

When you click on the button that says "Quote" it will bring up a screen that has all of the conversation that is on that box (just like everything your reading now).

The blue starts the quote

The red ends the quote

After the red or end of the quote, that is where you type in your response or reply

*Note use "o" in quote, I used zero's so that it would not make the quote boxes and you would be able to see how it works.

[qu0te=uRworthy]
Content of message from uRworthy
[/qu0te]
Response to message above goes here


[qu0te=jp787]
Content of message from jp787
[/qu0te]
Response to message above goes here


Delete any text that you don't want and cut and paste what you do want and place in between the quotes of who said it (orange)

Cut and pasting - Highlight text you want to cut and right click on mouse and click "cut". Paste - click on screen where you want text and right click with mouse and click "paste"

Clear as mud?

Color? Highlight text you want in color or in quotes or bold and click button above (you will see them when you are typing your reply

[jp787]

Oh yes use the preview button~