I'm feeling all kinds of things right now... Here's what's up.
I've been with my husband for about 5 years, married for 2. We don't have any kids -- we both wanted them, and he wanted to start trying last year, but I really wanted him to get counseling for his PTSD first. Plus, he's military, and I knew he'd be deploying sometime in the near future.
Anyways, we spent all of last year prepping for him to go to this really prestigious training program so he could take on new, more complicated and intelluctually satisfying duties in the Army. It was really hard, but he graduated at the top of his class. The program required that we be apart for about 4 months. Meanwhile, I got our house ready to move out to his new duty station, and worked two jobs so we could have a bit of a nest egg once we arrived there. We fought some while we were long distance, but I didn't really think it was that serious. They say moving is one of the most stressful things you can do, and I figured that between that and me working so much and him doing this hard program, we'd figure things out once we were in the same state. When he'd call me to yell at me for hours -- literally-- at a time, I chalked it up to stress and anxiety over his program. We'd get better, I thought, once we could see each other again.
Yeah, no. As soon as I arrived, he told me to leave. We had a bunch of really long, intense conversations, where he mentioned he was afraid of hurting me (yes, physically), and where he said he felt he couldn't trust me (because I went skinny dipping with some girls back when we were dating -- nothing happened!), and because I am a shitty housekeeper (fair enough). I went to stay with my parents, and he PROMISED he'd start counseling and we'd be okay but for this little hiccup. Fast forward to now, after about 4 months of him saying he wants a divorce, no he doesn't, he wants a divorce, no he doesn't, he wants a divorce, and he's tired of going back and forth on it. He wanted me to file, too, because he still hates doing paperwork. Christ. He doesn't want to see me before he deploys in a few weeks, he regrets the two times I went to visit him, and he's said a few times now that he regrets marrying me.
How many times are you supposed to hear the person you love say they want to leave you before you crack? So finally I did.
When I told him I'd file, he started calling me twice a day, asking me if I'd done it, could he see the paperwork, when would it be finalized, etc. Last night he called me 10 times in a half an hour. I wasn't home, which is why I didn't answer. When I called him back, he immediately started cursing me out, insinuating that the lawyer I had gotten was a liar and a thief and that he had every right to see the paperwork I had submitted to her because he was paying for part of the divorce. I hung up on him after telling him he was rude, called me lawyer, and wired her the money for filing. It wasn't always like this. We used to be so good together, y'know? We used to talk nearly every night, but I haven't been calling him -- in part because we'd have these really great, perfect conversations filled with jokes and laughter, and then the next morning he'd call and ask about getting divorced. I can't be in that cycle because it hurts too much.
Right now, I'm not sure what to do. I'm glad I filed because at least now I control the process. I feel like I've spent the last few months just reacting -- but what [censored] is that now that I feel like I'm ready to act, the things that I'd like to do -- improve my marriage, help him not be crazy and verbally abusive towards me -- are not things I feel like I can affect, particularly with this deployment coming up so soon.
:-/
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'd really like to work on "us" but he's so angry now, I don't know what to do.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
