Ok Accuray. Do I discuss this stuff with her at all when she returns or do I just say there is nothing we really need to discuss at this time?
This is painful my friend, but it will get better.
The short answer is tell her nothing, and discuss nothing.
Support her ability to be a good parent to your son, and stop there.
Here's the longer answer:
We use "love" to express a wide range of emotions. We love ice cream, we love dogs, we love our kids, we love our spouse. Each of those "loves" is different right?
When people "fall in love", here's what happens:
Intrusive thinking (you can't stop thinking about the object of your affection)
Uncertainty about the relationship which leads to heartache
Buoyancy, as if walking on air, when there is reciprocation
An acute sensitivity to any acts or thoughts that could be interpreted favorably ("He wore that because he knew I would like it")
A total inability to be interested in more than one person at a time
All other concerns fall into the background
A remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the beloved and avoid dwelling on the negative -- even to respond with a compassion for negative qualities and turn them into another positive attribute
Despite all the potential for pain, the feeling that love is supremely delightful and what makes life worth living
This is taken from the book ILYBINILWY and is based on a study by Tennov
People everywhere experience almost exactly these same feelings, and it is completely intoxicating.
It's a drug. Tennov coined a term for it called "Limerence" and you can Google for that.
When people are in this phase, they are obsessed to the point that not much else matters. They lack the ability to make rational decisions, or to have compassion for those outside of their fixation.
That is why nothing you say is going to matter right now. She's just not able to hear it. There are chemicals at work in her brain that limit her ability to hear you, and that is a scientific reality.
If you shame her, scold her, threaten her, etc., you threaten her wonderful feelings and she will resent you for it. This will make her feel badly and she will seek comfort in OM which will deepen their bond.
The book talks about two more kinds of love, "Loving Attachment" and "Affectionate Regard". Loving Attachment is what you would find in a healthy marriage -- not Limerence, and that's why a long term marriage pales in comparison to "affair love". That said, Loving Attachment is very nice, it means both partners are invested in the marriage.
"Affectionate Regard" is what people also call "unconditional love". You can feel this for anyone, and it need not be reciprocated. It does not bring attachment with it.
What often happens is that the marriage slips from Loving Attachment to Affectionate Regard slowly over time, and one person is eventually tempted by feelings of Limerence.
So what can you do?
In a normal dating scenario, Limerence will last from three to five years. In an affair scenario which is usually much more based in fantasy with less of a real foundation, it will typically last from 6 months up to 3 years.
The only way to shorten that time is for the partners to be totally and completely separated with no further contact. This is recommended in all "affair recovery" prescriptions. Any future contact is likely to trigger limerence to kick in again, however, if it is interrupted in this way.
Of course to cut it off completely one of the partners needs to be motivated to end it, and then both will go through a painful grieving process for several months, during which time they're likely to be meaner to you than ever!
So what do you do?
You need to gut-check: are you willing to wait this out for up to a few years?
If so, you need to focus on avoiding things that will *create resentment*. The harder you make it on her now, the more difficult it will be for her to come back to you later.
If you leave a job and your boss shakes your hand and you leave on good terms, it's pretty easy to consider going back there later. If you leave a job and the boss swears at you, berates you, and threatens you, there's usually no way in hell you're going to consider going back there, you're going to look to find a new job instead.
That's the model. If you want a chance to reconcile later, you need to keep the path home paved and smooth, which is to say that you do not do or say things that will increase resentment. You just let her be, and you do your own thing.
This is brutal, because she is really severely wronging you, and there is no way for you to be heard, to get compassion, or to get the things you feel you're owed at a very fundamental level, but that's just the way it is.
The two of them are in a castle with a big wall around it, and there is no way in until the walls start to crumble, which inevitably will happen on it's own time.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
cbtdad-just catching up, I've been away for a week or so…you need a hug ((( )))! I feel for you, man. I've held back from those exact same kind of text soooo many times.
Stay strong & keep coming here to vent. Just like jp said, 'text' is here like it's her instead of sending if you need to. I know it feels good just to type it out sometimes. I have a whole folder of unsent text & emails. I go back & read them sometimes. After looking at them a few days, or even sometimes just a few hours later I'm typically glad I did not actually send it.
Hang in there & enjoy your movie.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Accuray, what a fantastic write up and a good way to look at our own sitch's. Thanks for that. Cbtdad, keep trying to be positive and listen to the vets.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Wow Acc!! That is some really good stuff and really puts it in to prospective for me. I need to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. All I want in the end is an opportunity for us to work on it. I don't know if it can or will work or not. I just need to focus on me and see how things play out. You are dead on when you talk about leaving the road home paved smooth. I shall focus on me and let her do her
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
"Limerence" is arguably classified as a "mental illness", albeit a temporary one, as you are quite literally crazy when under it's spell. That's why so many WAS seem completely different than we've come to know them.
The other thing to be aware of is that your spouse's departure triggers "Limerence" in you too (for your spouse) which is why your feelings for her are much more intense than they were before the bomb. The symptoms of unrequited Limerence are different and very painful. Like your W, you are ALSO under the influence of brain chemicals, which is driving your behavior and leading you to do things you normally wouldn't do.
If someone described this situation to you 4 years ago, you would NEVER predict that you'd react the way you have.
The prescription to get over this spell, and these feelings you are having, is quite simply distance from the object of your obsession, and that's what Michelle's prescription for GAL is all about, to get you interacting with OTHER people so that your own obsession can subside.
This will make you more rational, able to make better decisions, and better able to cope. The importance of GAL cannot be stressed enough!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Acc for the thoughts. They are very helpful to many.
Cbt, sorry to read all of this. Not sure i have much to offer but support. My sitch has been pretty $ucky recently too. We just need to keep GALing and have fun with our kids. Good luck.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
You kinda brought that on yourself, though, right?
Just keeping it real. Remember that rock I wrote you about. I just kept talking and texting to it. Til I finally got it.
I want you to get it.
There is no amount of talking, yelling, wishing, threatening or anything else that is going to make that rock respond.
That's the simple truth of it.
You cannot, nor should you be able to, make her be who you think she should be. You cannot make her act the way you think she should act.
Because she is not you. She is a person who has every right to act as she wants. As do you.
People have a need to be heard. We have a need to know that we matter enough that what we want is important. That's how your wife feels and that's how you should feel about you. When she feels that she is not being heard, she feels less than, unworthy, disrespected.
My h did some horrific things. But here's the thing. If I loved him as I said I did, then, I needed to lovingly let him go. I wanted him to be happy without a condition attached to it. Even if it meant that it wasnt with me.
It doesnt mean I had to like what he did or even understand it. It just meant that if I meant what I said, then I had to allow my actions to match my words.
If you have any hope of the possibility of a future with your wife you need to really believe that she needs to see this through. And you need to let her. That really is the bottom line.
It's a set back in your sitch for sure. I screamed similar stuff at my W in November. She won't care about what you say to the same degree it's upsetting you. She also knows your upset. Time will help it fade away.
Imo do not tell her how you know about stuff because of snooping. It will set you back even further. Just say it doesn't matter how you found out and stick to your guns. It might even get her mind curious about you.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I stay off of FB for this very reason. I blocked my W off my news feed because I don't want to see what she is doing. I don't go to her page anymore because it makes me crazy. The situation is hard enough without pouring fuel on the fire that is already going.
Going on her page at her Mom's house was a real invasion of her privacy. I agree with T1000's advice... Stick to your guns.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
That's the plan. I am not going to tell her how I know at all. I'm just going to say it doesn't matter how I know, but the fact is I know the truth
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
