Sizing up the task ahead!

[mrtwopointfour]

Not posted for a while because I've been trying to keep busy and not spend to much time on here. But also because I feel like I am ready to fail at this, and I have to be honest it doesn't really bother me much at the moment. I just want to get on with things now and stop this carry on, hurt, pain, and constant effort which seems to be getting me nowhere.

I think its because W is on a downer this week and in all honesty when she is like that I find her hugely unattractive and don't want to be with her any more. I know this sounds harsh - in fact it is harsh. I am talking about the woman i love more than anything in the world. But if this is what she has become I can't be with her anymore, I'll let some other sucker put up with it!

I am sure I will be on here again soon saying something completely different. Telling you all how she looks great and how much I want to be with her. Even whilst writing this I am changing my mind. I know its part of the roller coaster, and I am fine with that.

As a summary as to where we are. Well no matter how I try and communicate W finds a way of criticising. For instance:

Being Assertive = me having a tone to my voice
Being Softly spoken rather than getting upset = being patronising
Keeping quiet when I don't want to discuss something = 'why have you suddenly gone quiet'

Also, I am breaking a few rules, and I know it. For instance I asked W why she was stressed. Got a load of answers back that basically told me she was miserable. Well I knew that already!

Money is proving to be a problem at the moment, and even though I have done a 180 and decided to buy second hand, (where usually i always insisted on buying new), this is being overlooked because of shortage of money. So now my purchase for my new hobby, which W encouraged, feels like an extravagance. I am thinking of cancelling the purchase to save the money. Then again W is going away on a trip soon - so why should I?

D conversation. I think its just assumed by W that this is going to happen. She mentioned earlier in the week that if she can't get FT employment soon, she will just go and move into the cheapest rented place she can. What planet is she on? If we are struggling with money now, how does she think she can move out without FT work? Even with cheap rent, the bills that come with a place are very expensive - at least living here they are halved.

What are my goals - not sure any more
What are my 180s - not sure any more
What are my changes - well maybe its I don't care any more.

Sorry this whole post is very negative, its just how i feel at the moment. I think I want everything to happen much quicker and the patience is wearing thin. I knew at the start that I have issues with patience and if anything this was what would fail me.

And you know what, now I have vented - if feel so much better - and I think I take it all back. Shame I've thrown a few anti DBing grenades into our R through my frustration. Hope they have not done too much damage.