Journaling - The contact continues. Absolutely no contact other than the D for two years. Now it's 3 times in two weeks about life. All initiated by her. One would argue she is moving towards me. I guess time will tell.
It's a little overwhelming.
Although I do not think my x and I are piercing or even moving towards each other in a romantic way - I'd imagine the feelings are similar.
It's hard to be myself..
It's hard to take steps forward...
Not because there is anger... but because I am scared. Finding the balance of when to be loving vs. when to guard my heart has been a challenge.
I ask myself if I am ready. I ask myself why am I bothering to do this.
But to turn my back does not sit well with me. Not just to her, but to anyone.
I dont want to live with that turmoil in my heart
This new development does not stop me from GALing and it is not something that consumes my thoughts.
I've been surprised when she reaches out to me and I do very little to reach out to her. I think I'm still detached.
I very much feel like I am walking in faith here. The only thing I know - is that I want to portray the new me as much as possible. No matter the cost... no matter the fear
I believe I have grown.. I believe I have learned my lesson... but this feels like a test....
... for what I'm not sure of yet.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Not falling back into our old selves is a fear I deal with as well. Finding that balance between the old pieces I adored and the new pieces I have worked so hard for is what I am striving for right now.
When I have particularly stressful or comfortable situations especially with H, I find myself more old Ruby sometimes. But at least I am aware and try to make that shift.
Do you find you are scared that if she was back in your life, so would all the old behaviours? This is just a question btw, not an insightful probe lol!
i am reminded of something profound which you said to me in the past that I cut and pasted into my quotes document to preserve...
"When I'm fearful or if I'm strong enough or can handle this or that - my sister always challenges me. She always says..'You'll never know where you are in your journey or what work is left to do until you get out there and test the waters'. Failure is an opportunity for growth if you chose it to be."
I think we are both are testing the waters in this new world. Maybe I'm mind reading - but then again I haven't been wrong yet.
She is definitely keeping the door open. My latest test was including her in a FB post for a film she was a huge part of when we were younger. I felt it appropriate to include her and she responded stating a fond memory of the moment it started with congrats.
My next step is letting her know how my filming is going on my current movie. When she informed me how her amends process went with her mom (which I did not ask her to do), she gave me some solid advice on things and then told me to let her know how it goes.
I'm waiting until the show is over which is on the 7th to tell her. I need to figure out how to keep it short and sweet, but that idea goes against who I am as a person. Her advice drastically impacted my show.. it would be great to share it with her.
I kinda hope she reaches out before then. My fear is that she will think I'm pursuing… or that she will think I will start relying on her. I don't want to add that pressure. I'm doing my damnedest to not let that fear dictate my actions… but it is difficult.
My mom asked me if I was okay with x talking to me. For the most part I am… I still have my angry moments. Especially recently when I discovered that after 2 years, I'm still not really ready to date
But overall I think I'm okay. Keeping healthy boundaries for myself yet still being loving. I know that I think of her more often now… but I think that's about me just figuring it all out.
I had dinner with an old friend whom I haven't seen in almost a year. Her father passed away and she fell off the face of the earth. Last night she informed me that she went to rehab and is now working a 12 step program.
We talked about x a ton. The more I talk about it, the more I believe that this needed to happen. It was the only way to make ME healthy. It was the only way that she stood a chance to become healthier.
Overall, my actions haven't really changed much. It's more that I am accepting this new challenge in my life.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
My next step is letting her know how my filming is going on my current movie. When she informed me how her amends process went with her mom (which I did not ask her to do), she gave me some solid advice on things and then told me to let her know how it goes.
I'm waiting until the show is over which is on the 7th to tell her. I need to figure out how to keep it short and sweet, but that idea goes against who I am as a person. Her advice drastically impacted my show.. it would be great to share it with her.
I kinda hope she reaches out before then. My fear is that she will think I'm pursuing… or that she will think I will start relying on her. I don't want to add that pressure. I'm doing my damnedest to not let that fear dictate my actions… but it is difficult.
Hi Val!
How about a simple but sincere, thank you? No grand gestures, no expectations. Just "thanks, your advice really helped me and I wanted you to know that I appreciated it"
If you are fearful that she will think that you will start relying on her, then don't, (rely on her that is). Keep your detachment in place. Let her continue to reach out.
Just keep on, keeping on!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Just caught up. Wow, I am so amazed by how things are turning out. Honestly I can relate to how scary this must feel. Your X brought you to your knees, as mine has and its taken so long to recover and get healthy... so scary.
It so strange because just the small pieces of interaction is everything I have wished for, for so long but now reading about it as a healthier person it truly scares me. I question if I would want to go down this road.
I guess its all about detachment
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
