Hey Fy, several months after my xh told me out of the blue that he no longer wanted to be married, I found out he had an ow.
It was his gf from 30 years ago. The one he was with before me. She had lived with him at the time and cheated on him with his best friend. He broke up with her and shortly after, he met me. She wanted him back, but, he was not interested.
We met when I was 19, married 4 years later. We had some extremely tramatic life events, but, we had a good marriage. As a result of these events, he became more and more rigid, I became more and more depressed.
But I loved him deeply and accepted him for who he was.
When BD came, I was devastated. I did all the wrong things for quite sometime, til I figured stuff out.
I confronted him about the affair, he denied it. He stayed in my bed for almost a year. Stayed in the house for another year.
All the while, I worked on me.
I wish I had done things differently. I wish that I insisted he leave the house sooner.
He would not file. In my state, debt is divided in half no matter if it is in one spouse's name. It does not matter if you dont know about it. There is no legal separation. I did not know how much debt he was amassing, but, I knew it was a lot. So, I had no choice but to file. I do wish I had done it sooner as his debt was over $50,000.
There is so much more to the financial stuff he did.
I knew he was in a MLC. I knew he was hurting. But, I also knew that I had to take care of me and our son.
He would go to see the ow whenever he could. He then moved two hours away.
As my son was older, it was no longer necessary for us to have a lot of contact.
When the affair was over, he came to talk to me. I know he felt there was so much damage that I hated him.
I told him that I forgave him and that I will always love him and that I wish him well on his life's journey.
He moved 5 hours away for a job. Whenever I saw him, we were cordial. I tried to keep him in the loop about our son. As he was still very much in the tunnel, he hadnt been very involved.
I worked on me. I had a lot of stuff I needed to change.
I know without a singe doubt that he needed to do this.
I also know that life did not turn out as he thought it would.
He still marvels that I even talk to him. I have told him that you dont just throw away 30 years. At least I couldnt.
He has done some horrific things. And as he still continues to do them, I take what he says with a grain of salt.
I know he has deep regrets about some of what he has done to me. And he knows he lost the best thing he ever had.
But we are very different people now.
And I know that he is still in the tunnel, though he is peaking out more and more.
I agree with you, we should not dump them or find a new relationship. I also know that we should not give up our lives for them either.
I did not make a conscious decision to stand or not stand. I just lived my life the best way I knew how. And I lovingly let him go.
He knows that I am no longer angry with him. He knows if he needed a friend, I would be there as I would for any other friend.
He has a life in another state. And no one ne knows what the future holds.
But I do know this. While I wish I could have learned what I needed to learn under different circumstances, this was a journey I was meant to go on.
