Weird scenario

[Jeack]

Wow Sandi. I do especially in relationships when critiqued and even at work deflect blame rather than owning it. This is all making me feel like a piece of trash to be honest.

I don't know if I can save this marriage in the short amount of time I have left. But I can hopefully save myself.

I now get the working on me. As far as contact or communication with my W. how do I handle that. I'm thinking I don't contact unless she contacts me and think about what I'm saying before responding. If I even get the chance for contact?

[T1000]

When you say "short amount of time I have left" what time limit are you referring to?

[Jeack]

Pennsylvania has only a 90 day cool off period. She's having her lawyer draft the property settlement agreement this week so she says, once that is complete then the 90 days should be up sometime in July to finalize the divorce.

[T1000]

As hard as it may be you need to push all that to one side. I don't think theres any cool off period where I live.
Many people on here are doing their best to divorce bust with no time limit and it is still very hard.
A lot of what is needed is time and patience.
As soon as you add a countdown clock there goes the time and with it patience.

Whats more important?
You hopefully getting your wife back and sorting out this mess at some point in the future?
or
Not getting divorced in the next 3 months?

[sandi2]

It's hard to see that in oneself, for sure. But one we are aware of it....and then work to change it, then we grow as a person.

I strongly suggest you not initiate any sort of contact with your WAW. She has made it very plain that she wanted you to leave her alone. Pursuit doesn't work when a W is in an A. It's not fighting for the M, as some men tend to think of pursuing as fighting for her.

No contact seems to be one of the hardest patterns for the LBS to break. One reason is (besides the heartbreak)is probably b/c of the threat of D looming and you are afraid you won't be able to talk her out of it. As you said, you are concerned you will run out of time.

Sadly, I don't believe I've read any where any LBH "talked" his WAW, who was in an A, out of doing what she wanted to do. Other things may add to her decision to stay in the M, but she doesn't do it based on what he's said to her. Some men try to apply pressure of one sort or another, and there have been a few women who would succumb to it, but would eventually leave or would want to leave thereafter. He has to make changes! She has to see those changes and believe M with him would be better.

Now you probably wonder how she will see changes if there is no contact. She will begin to hear, as word gets around, how great you look and how happy you seem to be. Even if she tells them she is really happy for you......don't believe it. The more she hears about how great you're doing and how people can't get over how different you are.....it will get her curiosity stirred. Heck, just ending contacts will make her wonder!

She'll find some crazy excuse to call you.....or run by your place (to see for her own eyes)if you truly are doing so wonderful. That's when you'll be tested. Then she'll begin doing it more. But, I'm getting ahead of things. First things first.

One of the biggest mistakes a LBH makes is when the WAW is in that stage of showing the tiniest bit of friendliness. He thinks that is progress (which it can be), however, he doesn't hold out long enough once he has her pursuing after him. A WAW, who has been in an A, has to "work" to get her H back. That work begins with her ending all contact with OM, But that is only step one for her.

Once you have gotten serious about making those changes.....and realize it has to be a lifetime of never ending progress toward making sure you keep those changes, then I believe you will have other vets to come encourage you as to what to expect.

In the meantime, think about personal daily goals for yourself (regarding these changes). Write them down where you can refer to them quickly every day. You will have daily opportunities to apply those goals. At work, in a store, with your children, friends, relatives, strangers, on & on. Stay on your toes. Think of it as, "Here's my chance to grow", and see how differently you can handle things.

I, for one, will want to hear your daily updates.

[Jeack]

When you say "short amount of time I have left" what time limit are you referring to?

As much as I don't want to be divorced. If i'm truly going to change these things about me for me. Then what does it matter. This maybe the wrong way to think, but at least we have a civil settlement agreement as we speak. So if she wants the divorce then i'm not going to fight or delay it. Maybe we are better off divorced but that doesn't change how I feel for her.

[Jeack]

It's hard to see that in oneself, for sure. But one we are aware of it....and then work to change it, then we grow as a person.

I strongly suggest you not initiate any sort of contact with your WAW. She has made it very plain that she wanted you to leave her alone. Pursuit doesn't work when a W is in an A. It's not fighting for the M, as some men tend to think of pursuing as fighting for her.

Makes sense. Like the puppy dog syndrome. You go to play with a new puppy and it doesn't want to play then you go about doing something and the puppy is tugging at your pant leg

No contact seems to be one of the hardest patterns for the LBS to break. One reason is (besides the heartbreak)is probably b/c of the threat of D looming and you are afraid you won't be able to talk her out of it. As you said, you are concerned you will run out of time.
in

This is going to be the worst neither of us has gone longer than a week since we separated without at least texting

Sadly, I don't believe I've read any where any LBH "talked" his WAW, who was in an A, out of doing what she wanted to do. Other things may add to her decision to stay in the M, but she doesn't do it based on what he's said to her. Some men try to apply pressure of one sort or another, and there have been a few women who would succumb to it, but would eventually leave or would want to leave thereafter. He has to make changes! She has to see those changes and believe M with him would be better.

This is what has happened in the past. we get along great I use all the right words and so does she and then we both fall back into the same cycle. Last time our MC was hitting home to her on some issues she needed to work on, But then wanted to stop going. I was just happy to have my wife back and we feel into the same rut.

Now you probably wonder how she will see changes if there is no contact. She will begin to hear, as word gets around, how great you look and how happy you seem to be. Even if she tells them she is really happy for you......don't believe it. The more she hears about how great you're doing and how people can't get over how different you are.....it will get her curiosity stirred. Heck, just ending contacts will make her wonder!

I messed up on this one about a month ago, She had commented that i seemed happy and then I started about how miserable I was with out her

She'll find some crazy excuse to call you.....or run by your place (to see for her own eyes)if you truly are doing so wonderful. That's when you'll be tested. Then she'll begin doing it more. But, I'm getting ahead of things. First things first.

She actually did this last thursday. She called I was cutting the grass and having a real bad day dealing with not having her. She then texted saying can you call me when you get a minute. I waited til the next day, claiming Iwas at the gym then forgot to call her back. asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted to know what was in her totes clothes wise. She could of easily asked this is in a text msg. Like she does everything else

One of the biggest mistakes a LBH makes is when the WAW is in that stage of showing the tiniest bit of friendliness. He thinks that is progress (which it can be), however, he doesn't hold out long enough once he has her pursuing after him. A WAW, who has been in an A, has to "work" to get her H back. That work begins with her ending all contact with OM, But that is only step one for her.

This is the scary part because she was a friends with benefits with the now OM when we meet. Then she was talking to him after our first breakup before we got married. We got back together and 3 months later I proposed. I have a funny feeling she has never truly lost contact with this man.

Once you have gotten serious about making those changes.....and realize it has to be a lifetime of never ending progress toward making sure you keep those changes, then I believe you will have other vets to come encourage you as to what to expect.

In the meantime, think about personal daily goals for yourself (regarding these changes). Write them down where you can refer to them quickly every day. You will have daily opportunities to apply those goals. At work, in a store, with your children, friends, relatives, strangers, on & on. Stay on your toes. Think of it as, "Here's my chance to grow", and see how differently you can handle things.

I, for one, will want to hear your daily updates.

[Jeack]

It's hard to see that in oneself, for sure. But one we are aware of it....and then work to change it, then we grow as a person.

I strongly suggest you not initiate any sort of contact with your WAW. She has made it very plain that she wanted you to leave her alone. Pursuit doesn't work when a W is in an A. It's not fighting for the M, as some men tend to think of pursuing as fighting for her.

Makes sense. Like the puppy dog syndrome. You go to play with a new puppy and it doesn't want to play then you go about doing something and the puppy is tugging at your pant leg

No contact seems to be one of the hardest patterns for the LBS to break. One reason is (besides the heartbreak)is probably b/c of the threat of D looming and you are afraid you won't be able to talk her out of it. As you said, you are concerned you will run out of time.
in

This is going to be the worst neither of us has gone longer than a week since we separated without at least texting

Sadly, I don't believe I've read any where any LBH "talked" his WAW, who was in an A, out of doing what she wanted to do. Other things may add to her decision to stay in the M, but she doesn't do it based on what he's said to her. Some men try to apply pressure of one sort or another, and there have been a few women who would succumb to it, but would eventually leave or would want to leave thereafter. He has to make changes! She has to see those changes and believe M with him would be better.

This is what has happened in the past. we get along great I use all the right words and so does she and then we both fall back into the same cycle. Last time our MC was hitting home to her on some issues she needed to work on, But then wanted to stop going. I was just happy to have my wife back and we feel into the same rut.

Now you probably wonder how she will see changes if there is no contact. She will begin to hear, as word gets around, how great you look and how happy you seem to be. Even if she tells them she is really happy for you......don't believe it. The more she hears about how great you're doing and how people can't get over how different you are.....it will get her curiosity stirred. Heck, just ending contacts will make her wonder!

I messed up on this one about a month ago, She had commented that i seemed happy and then I started about how miserable I was with out her

She'll find some crazy excuse to call you.....or run by your place (to see for her own eyes)if you truly are doing so wonderful. That's when you'll be tested. Then she'll begin doing it more. But, I'm getting ahead of things. First things first.

She actually did this last thursday. She called I was cutting the grass and having a real bad day dealing with not having her. She then texted saying can you call me when you get a minute. I waited til the next day, claiming Iwas at the gym then forgot to call her back. asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted to know what was in her totes clothes wise. She could of easily asked this is in a text msg. Like she does everything else

One of the biggest mistakes a LBH makes is when the WAW is in that stage of showing the tiniest bit of friendliness. He thinks that is progress (which it can be), however, he doesn't hold out long enough once he has her pursuing after him. A WAW, who has been in an A, has to "work" to get her H back. That work begins with her ending all contact with OM, But that is only step one for her.

This is the scary part because she was a friends with benefits with the now OM when we meet. Then she was talking to him after our first breakup before we got married. We got back together and 3 months later I proposed. I have a funny feeling she has never truly lost contact with this man.

Once you have gotten serious about making those changes.....and realize it has to be a lifetime of never ending progress toward making sure you keep those changes, then I believe you will have other vets to come encourage you as to what to expect.

In the meantime, think about personal daily goals for yourself (regarding these changes). Write them down where you can refer to them quickly every day. You will have daily opportunities to apply those goals. At work, in a store, with your children, friends, relatives, strangers, on & on. Stay on your toes. Think of it as, "Here's my chance to grow", and see how differently you can handle things.

I, for one, will want to hear your daily updates.


This maybe easier on the eyes to see


_________________________
Me:34

[Jeack]

Also A friend told me she's been posting really depressing songs on Facebook
This one for example Bombadil (artist)-- Isn't It Funny (title). I'd post the youtube link but I don't think it's allowed.

[Jeack]

My first goal for today is to not intiate any contact. Sorta like they teach in AA. One day at a time. Then i'm going to get some laundry done and meet a friend for dinner and get to bed early tonight.