thanks for asking- i feel like total pos - thanks.
this h is enough to make me scream. am i expecting too much from h and life? do ya think?
he's gong around being perfectly pleasant- doing allll his chores- not picking or icky, buying me candy ???!!! . which only makes me feel like wtf. when he's terrible - i don't like him and it. when he's not i don't like him and it. i don't like hm thinking he's buying me off with a few stinking trinkets. now i know how pissed off the american indians probably were- who does this darn "white man" think he is , anyway?
this being all nicey-pooh? why the heck? it dirves me nuts a bit. he leave=s tomorow- . i know- what a strong strong man to "stand" my presence for seven whole days. i'm so insulted by him and this coming and going crappola - and the fact that i'm supposed to (i guess) kiss his feet for a stinking week out of a month- where he graces me with his presence?
idk dawn- what in the world is up with this all. i know , i know, me and the job. (i actually was called and worked yesterday as a substitute) felt like a total dud and got no "game" for wooing a bunch of kids. i like them- just got no strategy or talent with it all yet. it was soooo wierd to be doing something totally new and different - first time in about - what? 45 years!!! no wonder it was daunting. even the lingo is new - rooms are sooooo "cellar" ish compared to the architecturally nice school rooms we had as kids. it sure is a different world. everyone is roaming allover the place all the time- like a giant beehive. yikes!!!
anyway- i guess i'll try it til i either get good at it or find out i totally stink at it and slink away.
back to h - wtf and wtf??? i've managed NOT to say - you jack@$$ - get out of my face and never come here again. i can't believe he can think i do not have feelings (very very strong feelngs) about his treatment of me - the having a separta life down there including ow- etc. and i'm not supposed to , what? notice it? not supposed to notice i'm not welcome down in my life anymore unless i get his - what? permission? creeeeepy city here.
it drives me crazy and then i thnk of you wanting your h out- and i can't figure out if i'm crazy one here or what? so- do you think i overreact and should be happy he stays away?
am i supposed to be having some other strategy than acting like it's perfectly fine with me- which i'd think suits him to a T and he really is perfectly fine with it.
if it's just that this guy is soooooo cold and bold and "over" me- well, you see the problem, back to the whole round circle of insanity of just stinking go- why visit- why hang in there - etc etc etc.
not too detached at the moment. he tra las off leaving me lonely- bored and with my wackie mother to boot. he's alll "there" for his stupid friends. who do i call when i have a flat tire? that would be my butt thanks. hello , booty - could you give me a ride down town?
i'd better go do something useful before i work myself into an insane lather. i just hate him rite this minute- his stinking detachment. i hate to think of being like that- it's an awful type of person to be.\
Your h goes home today...home, must be nice to be such a nomad. My h is gone at work for a few days, I change the whole living room on him. Marking my territory leaving no room for alien intruders!
Looking forward to hear how your goodby went.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
it's such a chilly-sunny pleasant day here. i'm going out to garden to plant a few things - as far as our "parting" -
pretty much sos w/that. he was pleasant- nothing much committal about anything (ever) to say. i managed - and it was a real GIANT EFFORT - to NOT SAY a darn thing about his going. i swear- it's so insulting- i've been wanting to blast him out of the water for a couple days. all this doing nice little things and buying stuff- does he honestly think in my stinking life THAT little crap replaces love & "a life". oh brother.
anyway- i managed NOT to say i hate it - hate him- etc.
that's about all i got to brag about. he called that evening when he arrived but i was out- he wrote an e-mail today but i haven't responded.
honestly dawn- if he's not here, because he darn well doesn't want to be (prevents him from total LOOOOOOVE ACCESS to ow , computer chats, phone, his fancy, better, more desireable life etc.) why in the he!! would i seek to chit chat with him?
i'm a chatty gal- but more and more find i don't even have desire to share with him- like almost anything. since he doesn't care enuf to miss me or my voice - he surely doesn't care about the doings in my life - rite???
i get snaggled up here- am i supposed to be talking to hm and being charming so he realizes what he misses? (tho, sometimes i think it only sends the message i'm here and willing to be nice and his buddy any time he feels like it). f that.
or am i supposed to be disappearing and giving him cold shoulder because if he gave a sh!t - he'd be here.???
sos as you can see. this business of 2 houses will kill us. i'm sure . or me anyway
we didn't talk about any of this while he was here. it was so short a time- i soooo can't stomach this junk of he has to go have "his life" for three weeks - and visit me for one. wtf? could i be a bigger "afterthought" (and p.o.s.) in his life. my ego sure wants to scream and yell. my willpower to keep my trap shut is most effort i've ever exerted. if i had a job with a good salary i wouldn't be here. sorry to report.
knowing i'll be sh!t poor & maybe homeless is the only thing that keeps my mouth closed. it's sad.
oh well huh? me and the rest of the world - i know i've got it better than most. i just hate it all still.
was watching something romantic - well, touching , on tv last nite- had to cry a bit - i guess it's better out than in. i have a problem crying- can't seem to do it - i'm sooooo pent up it will take remainder of my life for me to "unwind" a bit.
just put a bunch of stuff on ebay (antiques) - working on it - de-junking. like it would matter. i believe if i managed to clear out every single extra thing in this whole house- he'd find something else to be "disgruntled" about.
oh well- my day is okay really tho- i'm not blue & sad. i'm just plugging along and registering the sun & garden so must be good. no calls for work - wah. hoope they crawl back out of the woodwork here-
xxo will check in later. HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL and you're enjoying your solitude & time to self. you're a crackup with the redecorating. maybe i'll change something too. i usually end up painting something - maybe i'll stencil the wals in the little living room. allover in stripes or something.
i may need a real perk up here. tons to do as usual- lawn furniture to wash - bird houses to fix & paint and hang- etc.
had a good evening last nit ewith a girlfriend and hr husband. it was fun to hang with somepeople who might actually like my company and solicit it. ta da!
Nero, Glad to see you met up w/your girlfriend and her husband last night. It does you a world of good to get out and about for a bit.
So, what are you planting in the garden? Flowers and/or vegetables?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hate him, hmmm! I don't hate him per se, I def hate the alien inside his brain! Is that "him" well one could argue they are one in the same, especially as time continues to go on and they seem to be stabile in their alien state. They are peeking out though, but it really doesn't help our sitch much, does it? Who wants a S that peeks into reality while we're smacked right in the middle of dealing with it?
That is how I stop focusing on H. I just keep reminding myself everyday especially during my weak moment, that I want more, I deserve more, and buddy, you can't deliver!
Have a good day Nero, you are doing great, don't tell yourself otherwise!
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i sure hope you're rite. worked again today- this was in the elementary school library. it was easier - i guess you can get used to anything. i still don't have any "game" when it comes to dealing with these kids- you know, the tough to deal with ones- wiseguys, etc.
oh well- everyone else was making me laugh today- i'd say a good day.
gonna walk in a second when knock on door- tired but okay. i would like to see what you see - me doing okay.
i just feel like, why bother (with him) with talking to him- even bothrin g to share my life with him- why the heck would he ask, and why would i want to even bother to go there and talk about it - he's made his choice.
that's how i'm feeling. you wanna be there- go be there- leave me the hell alone. as usual- i'm sweraing up and down i'm not going to pick up the phone.
but then- how the heck does he know i'm gal & doing fun stuff and being a different person if i don't? i'm still stuck on that one- how to make it all happen.
stop talking to him and go dark- and let him know how busy and fun i am.
cripes! for today- im thinkng don't talk anymore .
don't know if he goes to see ow this weekend- probably panting by his front door to be off. yeah-i know- don't think about what he's dong. i've been doing better and better with that as i go out more and stay out more and amnot around the house.
oh well- i'mplantin gmostly flowers - usually- but some tomatos (love them) andmaybe something else- i can't figure out what. i like rubarb and i'd like a gooseberry bush. LOVE those tart flav ors in incredibly sweet things- like pie and jam.
such a sweet tooth-
anyway- have some zinnias (LOVE the brigt brassy colors all mixed together- red pink-orange yellow- you name it- wow
and some lilies- can't resist them. they're so hearty and do it all on their own.
wish i could send a picture of my garden with the bright charteruse edge of euyanemous(sp) and inside allll forgetmenots blooming- blue blue blue
lovely want to dive in
i'm outta here- maybe back later if i can resist whining.
you sound good so yay you. i get glimpses and it makes me anxious and mad that he is jerking around sooooo long. feels like a lifetime- maybe it is.
i wonder how surprised he'll be when i finally just walk the he!! out of his life . he thinks i'm soooo lame i'll stay forever- rite where he put me- rite where he thinks i should be , in my little box.
oh man- is he ever wrong. i'm soooo in the mood for some fun in life- it's too short for real. spent eveninglast nite with gal next door whose mom is in wheelchari- man oh man- sad as can be- what an ending to a nice life- she's soo trapped in that body- can't even get her thoughts and words out and cries in frustration-
not me baby- i'm not going to waste my life like that.
I AGREE TOO - i say it, mostly to keep fortifying myself. i'm not sooooo wounded- i don't like it- and i still want to "fight it" most of the time - the notion that 37 years were nothing at all.
to h -it would seem it was indeed nothing at all. he happily risks it all- he also (i believe) thnks i looooooveee him sooooo much i'll never ever give up on him-us. he is sooooo wrong.
i fairly twitch i want to just out with it - soooo bdly. then remind myself i can't actually afford myself - and i really really need to go slowly and prudently and not burn any bridges before I AM ABSOLUTELY ready. it might be smart or dumb- i'm not sure. it's soooo me- who i am deep inside- prudent to the bone when it comes to impending danger.
i see him as more of a threat alot - than anything else. threat to my happiness - roof over my head - welfare.
looking back( yueah, i know everyone says don't do it) i'm trying not to - but little things pop into my head. things that now i say and feel - ah ha! so that's what was going on.
i'm getting notion more and more i've spent my entire life with him being way moredeluded than i'd ever have thought.
him too- mainly that he's such a nice guy and the things he buys me or does for me somehow were compensation (for me not knowing what a jackass he is/was about flirting- cheating? lying?)
i stop myself tho- because really- it's only hurting me to begin to reexamine so long. LIKE MWD SAYS in one book- we all know how we got here- now, what are we going to do about it?
so anyway- i worked another day. i keep teling myself it's something- perhaps it could turn into a fulltime job. when i interviewed with the superintendent of schools (a nice guy- we got on good) he said same ting. that people find it sometimes does. it's not much- but it's more than a week ago- working when they call.
i'm going to go find a few garage sales and garden while it's cool and nice - if i don't do it in the morning when i'm at my best - it s not likely to get done.
keep around- perhaps we can fortify each other into getting the heck out there in life and doing it.
what are you doing about gal thing? how are you feeling about your h? any insights or new detachment tips to offer? are you feeling and getting a bit more detached and less decimated? it's taken me a long long time - and even still i have trouble letting go and thinking of never seeing him in my life again.
i'm, not sure- what's your position on being in each other's lives as something different - not a mate? i'm pretty much thinking we're "in love" or we're not happening. he thinks (apparently) we should stay in each other's lives and be friends or something- what a joke. he's no body's friend that guy. he apparently thinks he keps ow and whoever else he want sto be boinking- and i sit around like s tupid ole doorstop to drag out when it suits him.
near as i can figure? wtf- what's your sitch with that? maybe you've got something you're thinking that will help me find my way?
i fairly twitch i want to just out with it - soooo bdly. then remind myself i can't actually afford myself - and i really really need to go slowly and prudently and not burn any bridges before I AM ABSOLUTELY ready. it might be smart or dumb- i'm not sure. it's soooo me- who i am deep inside- prudent to the bone when it comes to impending danger.
i see him as more of a threat alot - than anything else. threat to my happiness - roof over my head - welfare.
Yeah, I'm right there too. I sometimes think the financials are the only thing keeping me tied to him and 'nice' at the moment.
so anyway- i worked another day. i keep teling myself it's something- perhaps it could turn into a fulltime job. when i interviewed with the superintendent of schools (a nice guy- we got on good) he said same ting. that people find it sometimes does. it's not much- but it's more than a week ago- working when they call.
This sounds like something to build on. So happy to hear you have some options developing.
i'm going to go find a few garage sales and garden while it's cool and nice - if i don't do it in the morning when i'm at my best - it s not likely to get done.
I love gardening. It's the one thing that stops me from thinking/churning!
keep around- perhaps we can fortify each other into getting the heck out there in life and doing it.
Sounds like a plan!
what are you doing about gal thing?
Not much. Busy with kids and work.
how are you feeling about your h?
I don't want anything to do with the new him. If and only if he ever returned to a reasonable semblance of a good man would I consider him coming back into our family.
any insights or new detachment tips to offer? are you feeling and getting a bit more detached and less decimated? it's taken me a long long time - and even still i have trouble letting go and thinking of never seeing him in my life again.
Yeah, My only thought is that it just takes time. Consistent horrid behaviour on XH's part helps me to detach, too.
i'm, not sure- what's your position on being in each other's lives as something different - not a mate? i'm pretty much thinking we're "in love" or we're not happening. he thinks (apparently) we should stay in each other's lives and be friends or something- what a joke.
I agree. Either he comes back as H and father or no role for you, sorry bud. My preference would be never to see him again.
near as i can figure? wtf- what's your sitch with that? maybe you've got something you're thinking that will help me find my way?
Wish I did! I'm trying to get past resentment cause that keeps me stuck. But it's hard. This is all so unfair. But maybe have a look at what Antonia posted today in this forum. She really has her stuff together. 3 years on and she's back in charge of herself.
