They don't listen to reason or judges or their lawyers. They think they know it all and have everything planned out for "our best interest". Even the GAL in our case told me H is angry and doesn't understand why I wont follow the plans he has for me because he only has my best interest at heart. Yeah. Right. Of course, the GAL was being sarcastic.
Listen to your attorney and try to keep calm. I know. Easier said than done.
Hang in there! WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I hate that my STBX is still in control of my finances.
This isn't always a popular framing, but here's the harsh reality.
Your H is not in control of your finances.
If he died tomorrow, how would you afford your current expenses?
So even though his lack of providing support is creating financial stress on you, any reliance on his payments could put you at huge risk if those payments stop, for what ever reason.
KD, life insurance (and a lot of it). That's how I would afford my expenses should my STBX die. While he's living he has a legal obligation to pay support. In my state I can have his wages garnished with or without a support order. I've been holding off getting the DA involved since doing that is pretty much declaring war. However, the upside is that they will uncover every bank account, investment, etc. that he's been hiding. Really, I should have taken that step when he abandoned me and the boys 17 months ago. Maybe you missed the beginning of my story. I was a SAHM for 15 years. That was a decision that he agreed to and benefited from. In that time his salary more than tripled. He doesn't just get to walk away and decide whether he will pay for support or not. The biggest mistake I made was not taking swift action from day one. I was too focused on understanding the feelings beyond the actions. I'm not going to stop being true to myself, but I will protect me and the boys even if that means taking action that's adversarial.
WH, the need to have a plan for us is baffling. When they filed for D the joint planning ended. It is driving my STBX bananas that I would choose to pay a mortgage over finding a cheap rental. He's completely driven by money and doesn't take into account what's best for the boys which includes keeping them in their home and schools.
It's amazing to me that he would continue to run up legal bills and keep us both from moving on just so he can try to enforce the living situation he thinks I should have. With the sudden turn around in the housing market my house has a lot more equity than a year ago. I felt certain that sacrificing to pay the mortgage, instead of selling, would be a good investment and I was right. My STBX wanted to sell believing that real estate would continue to decline. When we agreed that I would keep the house he made it clear that I was responsible for any liabilities including decreased value. Well, now that there's a fair amount of equity he feels entitled, but under the guise of "I want you to be happy in a house you can afford" and is looking for a payout.
I don't know if it's the compulsive gambler or MLCer that I'm having to deal with the most these days. Both are crazy makers.
I made a vision board months ago. I look at it daily and ponder what action I can take now to get me closer to the life I've planned. It really helps when I start feeling like I'm not in control. There is a lot going on that I don't like and wish I could change, but there's plenty that I'm in charge of including the type of person I want to be. So, today, I will continue to have compassion and understanding for others, including my STBX.
golf mom, I think you are very wise to remain in your home. If you are happy w/the locale and the schools, why change just for the sake of moving because he wants you to?
I think it's both the gambler, but more importantly mlcer that is driving this money train right now. Oh, yes, he feels entitled to half of the equity and he's seeing dollar signs because the equity has improved. Previously, home sales were down and now they are beginning to rise once again. He's obviously not thinking clearly because there are some rentals that are even more expensive than a monthly mortgage payment, but again, he's looking at the bottom line...if he can force you to move and sell the house, he'll get a nice chunk of change. He's in the frame of mind that he doesn't care what happens w/you and the children right now...it's all about money and I'm very sorry that he's trying to push you out of your home.
I'm glad to see that you've remained strong throughout all of this for both your boys and for your sake. You are absolutely right about one thing, you are in control of changing yourself and from what you've posted...you are doing an excellent job of leading your life and being a wonderful mother to the boys. Your h doesn't realize how lucky he was to have you in his life...hopefully some day, he will.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your h is holding the policy on the life insurance, he could very well have changed the beneficiary portion to someone else. Are you holding the policy? Please do not count on the life insurance if he's holding the policy...they tend to change things when in mlc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It can be written into the divorce agreement, the insurance. My ex must let me maintain a policy on him until my alimony expires - this is to cover me for the alimony if he gets hit by a truck. I pay the premium - in theory, I think he should have had to pay it, but in practice, I'm glad to be paying it because then it is in my control and I am sure it is getting paid.
Funny story - we HAD an insurance policy in place when we divorced, that we'd had for many years, but he wouldn't let me keep that one because it was 500k instead of the 250k specified in the decree. Now - I'M the one paying the premiums. But he couldn't stand the idea that I might come out ahead if he died, with the larger policy. Like maybe I would send a hit man after him or something! Crazy MLC thinking strikes again.
Just a quick post re the life insurance. I have the policy and H is not able to change beneficiaries while the D is pending. I pay the premium so I know that it's current. This is a major thorn in his side and he has tried to negotiate a much lower amount. I won't agree. The current policy has been in place for a long time. Now that he's 50 the premium would be about the same for the lesser amount. Since I have agreed to pay the premium I want the current policy to remain in place until alimony is terminated.
The amount was decided on by my STBX. It used to be important to him that the boys and I be covered in case of his death.
I'm guessing he doesn't want me to profit, as if I could ever look at it that way. He can't seem to get beyond it.
Yeah, my ex was the same. Here I'd been nothing but calm and cooperative through the divorce, and he thinks I'm gonna hire a hitman on the father of my three kids for the sake of $250k?
A little bit of projection going on there, I'm guessing - maybe he felt so guilty that he wouldn't have blamed me for feeling that way?
