it's such a chilly-sunny pleasant day here. i'm going out to garden to plant a few things - as far as our "parting" -
pretty much sos w/that. he was pleasant- nothing much committal about anything (ever) to say. i managed - and it was a real GIANT EFFORT - to NOT SAY a darn thing about his going. i swear- it's so insulting- i've been wanting to blast him out of the water for a couple days. all this doing nice little things and buying stuff- does he honestly think in my stinking life THAT little crap replaces love & "a life". oh brother.
anyway- i managed NOT to say i hate it - hate him- etc.
that's about all i got to brag about. he called that evening when he arrived but i was out- he wrote an e-mail today but i haven't responded.
honestly dawn- if he's not here, because he darn well doesn't want to be (prevents him from total LOOOOOOVE ACCESS to ow , computer chats, phone, his fancy, better, more desireable life etc.) why in the he!! would i seek to chit chat with him?
i'm a chatty gal- but more and more find i don't even have desire to share with him- like almost anything. since he doesn't care enuf to miss me or my voice - he surely doesn't care about the doings in my life - rite???
i get snaggled up here- am i supposed to be talking to hm and being charming so he realizes what he misses? (tho, sometimes i think it only sends the message i'm here and willing to be nice and his buddy any time he feels like it). f that.
or am i supposed to be disappearing and giving him cold shoulder because if he gave a sh!t - he'd be here.???
sos as you can see. this business of 2 houses will kill us. i'm sure . or me anyway
we didn't talk about any of this while he was here. it was so short a time- i soooo can't stomach this junk of he has to go have "his life" for three weeks - and visit me for one. wtf? could i be a bigger "afterthought" (and p.o.s.) in his life. my ego sure wants to scream and yell. my willpower to keep my trap shut is most effort i've ever exerted. if i had a job with a good salary i wouldn't be here. sorry to report.
knowing i'll be sh!t poor & maybe homeless is the only thing that keeps my mouth closed. it's sad.
oh well huh? me and the rest of the world - i know i've got it better than most. i just hate it all still.
was watching something romantic - well, touching , on tv last nite- had to cry a bit - i guess it's better out than in. i have a problem crying- can't seem to do it - i'm sooooo pent up it will take remainder of my life for me to "unwind" a bit.
just put a bunch of stuff on ebay (antiques) - working on it - de-junking. like it would matter. i believe if i managed to clear out every single extra thing in this whole house- he'd find something else to be "disgruntled" about.
oh well- my day is okay really tho- i'm not blue & sad. i'm just plugging along and registering the sun & garden so must be good. no calls for work - wah. hoope they crawl back out of the woodwork here-
xxo will check in later. HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL and you're enjoying your solitude & time to self. you're a crackup with the redecorating. maybe i'll change something too. i usually end up painting something - maybe i'll stencil the wals in the little living room. allover in stripes or something.
i may need a real perk up here. tons to do as usual- lawn furniture to wash - bird houses to fix & paint and hang- etc.
had a good evening last nit ewith a girlfriend and hr husband. it was fun to hang with somepeople who might actually like my company and solicit it. ta da!
