A New Me 2

[jp787]

Sense, not scene...

Thanks for your input Adinva.

It's a hard thing for me to do without seeing results.
Must be from being inpatient and feeling the need to see something tangible.

[adinva]

Impatience will really get in your way.

[jp787]

W wanting to go to visit family who live in same area as OM. I am dying wanting to ask if she plans on seeing him if she goes. Omg know I can't. I am having panic attacks and getting hot. This is sooooo hard!

[uRworthy]

J, take some deep breaths and DO NOT SAY A WORD to your wife.

You know it is a panic attack so you need to work your way through it.

You can do this, J.

[uRworthy]

J, I want to tell you a few things. You ready?

You are in control of you. There is no one forcing you to text your wife about OM. No one stopping you from saying whatever you want to say.

The thing is this. It is all your choice.

You can continue to feel the way you do with your feelings all tied up into whatever your wife is doing or saying. Or you can make a choice not to live that way.

But I will tell you without a single doubt in my mind, that if you say the things I know you want to say, you will push her further away.

That's the bottom line.

And the reason why is fundamental to human beings. We have a need to be heard. We have a need to know that we matter enough that what we want is important. That's how your wife feels and that's how you should feel about you. When she feels that she is not being heard, she feels less than, unworthy.

And I understand the logical part of your brain having a hard time with not seeing tangible changes in yourself. I do. But here's the thing. The changes you need to make are not tangible. They're not able to be seen in a concrete way.

And the reason is because they are feelings, they are characteristics, they are attributes.

I've done talk therapy, I've read, I've prayed, I've spoken with friends and I was lucky enough to find a few people on here who helped me change. But at the end of the day, it was on me.

And the most important thing I did was I worked hard. I challenged myself. I set goals. I made myself accountable. I looked inside and dug deep.

It wasnt easy, my friend. Still isnt as I am always a work in progress. But, the rewards are so great, J.

I want that for you. I want you to get to a place where you are no longer afraid, where you are ok no matter what happens.

But most of all, I want you to realize your worth. I want you to really and truly believe that you matter in this world, that you have gifts unlike anyone else, that you are strong enough to look at your fears and rise above them.

So, let's start. I know that you are afraid of letting your wife go. Why is that? What would happen if you do?

[jp787]

wife texting.

w: I am seriously thinking about applying for the HR position that is open again? What are your thoughts?
(her job now is really stressful and hard boss)

m: My thoughts are that right now a change might be beneficial to you. I would suggest you make a list of pros and cons. I support you in whatever you do W.

w: It would be a slight pay cut tho

m: If it helps you it is worth that and more

w: a 5% pay cut

m: I am not worried about that W

w: I am that is money we need

m: You come first

W: ya but...


So suggestions?

UW I will read your post now :-)

[jp787]

So, let's start. I know that you are afraid of letting your wife go. Why is that? What would happen if you do?

1. Huge fear of her remarrying.
2. Being alone.
3. Failure

I think those, in that order.

[uRworthy]

Ok, so let's just play this out.

Don't panic, we are just talking here, ok?

So, she remarries.

And you are alone. That is a choice you make, though, to be alone.

What about that frightens you?

[jp787]

The fear is that I will think about her being with someone else, physically and emotionally.

That she will choose someone over me and that they will make her happy where I failed.(so if I truly love her I want her to be happy no matter what??)

That if I am alone it will fester <(I do love that word) in my head and I wont be able to handle it, thinking about her loving someone else, being with someone else.

There is a fear that I will find someone else and that I will not be able to stop comparing her to my W and thinking I still want my wife and she is with someone else.

I can not articulate how much the fear of her being with someone else, marrying not just an A, torments me. The thought of that now is unbearable, if it came to be reality I don't think I could survive it.

I do not know how to remove that from my thoughts.

[jp787]

I am having a panic attack as I write about this...