Weird scenario

[adinva]

You're here asking for advice but you already know we're wrong. You believe you would have had better results if you pushed and pursued more at the beginning, and you believe you know exactly how it will end (no matter what improvements you make to yourself so why bother putting the focus on you). So what advice would you like people here to give you?

[Jeack]

I have a drs appt tomorrow. Half thinking of trying some depression meds. Anyone else try this with any success

[Jeack]

I'm not saying anyone is wrong. Each situation is different. I was just stating what has happened before and what had worked. If I would have made true changes last time. I wouldn't be here now.

[adinva]

So I guess my real fear and knowing her is, if I don't push for the relationship I know it will end.

DB is the exact opposite of this. How can we help you?

You are not in the place you were last time, you are in a 100% new place. Times changed, more things have happened, you can't go back in time and imagine a hypothetical different outcome. You have to work with the reality you have right now. Right now are you in a place where you could be a different man if she changed her mind? What about you is different?

Now you're here, admitting that you commit verbal abuse, and blaming her, and texting pressuring, pursuing, and berating words as if you have no control over your own behavior. You have plenty to work on, and that is what you should do. That's what I advised before, and I stand by that.

I know you mean well and want your family back. What you have been doing is not working. If you want to try the DB method you have to have some faith in things that don't make sense to you right now. And you are really not far enough into healing your own stuff yet; I would think that would be keeping you very busy.

Anyway, sorry to be piling mean words on your hurt. To me right now verbally abusive behavior should be something you would want to get to the bottom of and eradicate it from your personality, and I can't figure out why that doesn't seem like an imperative to you, much more imperative than luring your W back for more abuse in the future.

[adinva]

Depression meds can help a lot if your emotions are making it hard for you to accomplish your activities of daily living, and if your doctor thinks you're a good candidate. Physical exercise can accomplish the same thing as anti-depressants and doesn't have potential side effects. I took A/D's for about a year and went off them. They helped tremendously when I was in the first few months of my sitch and just couldn't stop crying. I don't think I needed them as long as I took them, and felt pretty stable after I discontinued them. But everyone's different. Main thing is not to feel any shame or judgment about taking care of yourself, and in their place A/D's are part of that.

[Papa4Life]

All we're saying to you is that based on our own experiences and what we've read time and time again on these boardss, pursuing, begging, berating, and all the stuff our guts are telling us to just simply will not work. Period. DB on the other hand might eork. That is, if you're really willing to put in the effort. And the sooner you start, the better the chances are that you'll get the outcome you're hoping for.

[jp787]

I couldn't agree with you more. I think I was emotionally abusive cause I felt like I was the only trying in the relationship and I always had to walk on eggshells cause I know if I told her things that were bothering me she would leave and run

Jeack, I am was emotionally abusive to my W during our marriage, I berated my W and was a bully. I am working on "eradicate it from my personality" (thanks Adinva).
I would challenge you to look deeper into why your like that, I don't think it is from what you stated above^^^.

I take AD and they do help and that is all they do is help. They don't fix anything, but can take the edge off so that you can.

Your getting amazing advice, as am I. The hard part is to really hear it and then act on it.

[Jeack]

No all of you are exactly right. This isn't the same as last time. And even the last email I wrote. Even though I was telling her how I feel. I was once again verbally abusing her. By trying to make her feel bad about leaving and bringing up about us starting a family. That was something she really wanted and I didn't agree to it. In my defense our R wasn't good but if I had explained how I felt in a non passive agressive way. I may not be here right now.

I'm just scared cause I thought she'd be back and I deflected all the blame on her rather than owning my part which has pushed her to OM. Of course friends and family are going to always say its not my fault. So yes Advina although your first response seemed like a 2x4 I do appreciate your advise as well as everyone else.

I gotta leave her be. And make me a better person. That I can talk to rather than abuse.

[adinva]

That is a GIANT step in the right direction, and it takes a lot of guts.

[sandi2]

If I would have made true changes last time. I wouldn't be here now.

I believe that's what Advina is encouraging you to do now. You have to become a changed person before your WAW will think things would be different if she went back to you.

Your words are not working on her. The actions you've taken have not had a positive influence. You say you see where you mess up....and yet you turn around and repeat the same action. When you keep repeating the same action expecting a different outcome....well, it's not very logical, is it? I know, b/c I've done it in my own life. It's crazy!

Yes, every situation is different. It's different b/c your stitch is personal. But your story is one that we've read many times here on the board.

In times past, I've played the victim. You seem determine to continue portraying the victim to her, mutual friends (especially those who will tell her) and her family. You want them to feel sorry for you, and you want them to take your side of things.....and think the worst of her. It's part of the control factor in you. And sometimes, you have to tear down the other person in order to make yourself look better. Sadly, I've been guilty of that behavior, too. However, it is a changeable behavior, and the outcome can be pretty incredible b/c your character is the true result. Remember, that's what is really on the line when you're tempted to react in that manner.

You tell her you really care for her (and even throw in the words "as a friend"....as if that gives you some lead-way), but you are more concerned about how this affects you than you care about anything else. Listen, it takes one to know one....and I see it loud & clear in your posts. Take a fools advice (who finally got it), it gets you nowhere! You don't come out a winner. Stop the controlling ways b/c that makes "you" the real loser, not just in a MR but with anyone. That's why you get so angry at her, b/c you aren't controlling what she's doing. So what if you are a fixer? Aren't most men? But don't confuse fixer with controller.

Want to blame DBing for her not to returning when she first left? Nothing new in the blaming department. Are you like that with everyone & everything? I'm betting you are. It's always the fault of somebody or something else. Saying that, "sure you have your faults", hardly sounds repentant to the one who suffers at the hand of those faults.

Take responsibility for your bad behavior and do something to change to a much better man, in order to have a chance for a brighter future. You could probably be a wonderful H if you get help in overcoming those bad areas that ruin your R with others.

You may not see this as marriage advice or how to bust a divorce, but I assure you, it has to start in you....if you really want to make a difference. Otherwise, you may end up as a bitter & lonely old man. That wouldn't be a good way to live.