Holy crap if I thought I was angry before then I am enraged now.
Just on general principal. I'm just angry. All the time. There was lots of screaming and yelling this weekend (while kiddo was dead-to-the-world-asleep on the other side of the house). I have much less tolerance for BS at work. I'm about to lose it with my mopey aide. Usually I just ignore her mood swings and don't feed into her dramatic crap, but I'm over it. All she can talk about is how she wishes this was next week (Spring Break) and we weren't here.
But anyway, back to the M.
I'm just furious with him all the time. I preferred him not knowing what I was doing with my meds. I honestly think now that he knows, he needles me more. He did this when I was in school. Every time I had a huge test, that morning he would decide to be the right time to bring up some super controversial crap and push all my buttons.
Yes, I know it sounds like I'm blaming, but it's true. I tracked it (that's how I knew something was really wrong in the first place 2+ years ago).
I don't know why he does that. Rather than be supportive during these times, he tries to be the biggest pain the a$$ he can possibly be.
I'm just generally so furious with him all the time right now.
And next week is Spring Break. And he's taking it off with me (yay.....).
I feel like I'm back to that point where I was happier when he just wasn't around so I wasn't SO angry in front of him ALL the time.
I'm a trained counselor, and while it's not legal in my state to prescribe psychopharmaceuticals unless you're an MD, I know some basic stuff about them.
Oh good, so you know then My coworker buddy really freaked me out with his story, I postponed going off of my A/D's because of it. I was at 40 mg at the peak (only for about 2 weeks though), went back down to 20 for a couple of months, then 10 for about a month, then 5 for another month, then 5 every other day for a couple of weeks and finally quit taking them last week. So far I've had a few headaches, but emotionally I've been OK. The main reason I wanted to get off of them is because they elevated my blood pressure and pulse. Pulse went from 60 to over 80 for the duration I was on them. Doc said it wasn't the A/D's, she thought it was the stress from my sitch. She was wrong. My pulse dropped right back down to 60 when I stopped taking them.
Sorry to hear you're having some struggles, I hope you feel better soon!!
I actually was on ADs 10 years ago too, and they sent my BP through the roof. Didn't know that was the issue until after I went off of them, but when my doc put two and two together...
Every day is different. I wanted to murder H this weekend, and then yesterday he was the most wonderful spouse someone could ask for.
On the way home, there was a terrible accident on the highway, and all of the sudden, while sitting in this traffic mess, I hear D in the back making an odd sound. It sounded like choking. I reach back and feel something wet all over my hand and it's red.
I immediately pull over and she had vomited strawberries all over herself and her carseat. I was thankful she wasn't choking (what it sounded like) and it wasn't blood (from the red substance), but she was miserable. I stripped her down and washed her as best I could with wipes. Poor thing had to sit in the car another half hour before we finally got home.
I called H and told him what happened. He came home as soon as he could, having picked up dinner for her and told me not to worry about cooking, we could order in for us. D must have just had something that didn't agree with her stomach because she was fine the rest of the evening.
When I put her to bed, I found that not only had H cleaned up the kitchen and put away the leftovers (something he's never done unless I've explicitly asked), but he cleaned up the living area and asked if there was anything else I needed help with. It was awesome. And I told him that.
While I love and appreciate all of you on here to support me, I think I need something slightly different. Does anyone know of a good online community specifically for people who have gone through an A and come out on the other side of it successfully? DB served it's purpose, but now I'm not sure where to go to learn to forgive.
You know how I love personality tests. Well, H's company is using a new one to help with team building called the "Color Code". He's a yellow. I'm a blue. Opposites. Again (which is not necessarily a bad thing, and when done right, can be a very, very good thing). But the thing that struck such a chord with me is that Blues have a very, VERY hard time forgiving. It's just so against their nature and their ingrained sense of morals. And it just wrecks me.
And I know this is my issue now. I've known that for months. But I just can't... I don't know how...
So... I know there are all kinds of places out there, but which one of them is worth a damn?
Also, my IC told me that there's a group that meets in the area for couples going through an A recovery. Ironically, it's around the corner from my house at a local church. I could walk there if I wanted to be especially healthy. But it conflicts with our MC. But at this point, this inability to get over the past A is SO invasive to our progress, I'm wondering if that would be more worth while to explore.
Anyhow, any suggestions on a good online post-A recovery community?
I immediately pull over and she had vomited strawberries all over herself and her carseat.
I was freaking when I read the first part, thought it was blood! Thank goodness it was strawberries, LOL!
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but he cleaned up the living area and asked if there was anything else I needed help with. It was awesome. And I told him that.
Good, I was going to ask if you did that. We all need ackowledgement when we do things like this, it makes it that much more likely that we'll do it again
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DB served it's purpose, but now I'm not sure where to go to learn to forgive.
I don't know of any resources for you, but I do want to mention that Michele's comments about forgiveness in DR were a big help to me. Something she said that really stuck with me is that forgiveness is NOT about forgetting. You can forgive someone while still remembering and learning from what happened. IE, you can tell your H you forgive him, but you can also tell him that your boundary is that it can never happen again because if it does there will be no 3rd chance. Some people think that "forgiveness" is acting like it never happened, but that's not the case at all.
And by the way, Michele also talks about how forgiveness is for YOU. It's you letting go of that hurt, it's you saying to YOURSELF that you forgive the trespass and will now move on. She says forgiveness doesn't even require saying anything to the other person. It can be purely internal.
I don't have recommendations - but the one near your house seems a little like a gift from the universe to me.
Can you rearrange some things and go to that?
As far as forgiveness, I don't know about blue and yellow -
You're just dealing with your ego, sweetie.
We all have one.
And your ego wants to keep you separate.
Your ego is terrified of losing this game.
What if you forgive him and he just - I don't know what -
"Gets away with it"
Or
It means you stop respecting yourself.
What are you making forgiveness mean?
No one else can do this for you. No one can tell you the magic formula.
Well, the only magic formula is love. Love for yourself, love for your husband and love for your child.
Love for yourself might look light, I need to leave. It might look like wanting what your husband wants. It might look like accepting reality so that you can free YOU (not him but YOU) and move on with your life.
Anyone else who has done that work had to find their own way through it.
The anger is there b/c it wants you to have created a boundary - and you couldn't have when you didn't know what your husband was up to.
so now it's telling you to create one now. And it's there because you are choosing to be a victim to your husband's behavior.
You are not. He is if anyone.
You are free. You are only choosing to put yourself in this prison.
Maybe because of your past. Or because of your own self-esteem.
But the truth is, May - all the work is inside - not outside - not in other forums or on or off meds or angry or not - it just is -now.
The meds are clearly completely out of my system. I'm doing surprisingly well without them. Spring Break came and went (and H actually took off that week too. I was terrified I would want to kill him, but it went surprisingly well). Another grading cycle at work came and went, and now we are facing the last 5 weeks of school.
And here I am again, the last week of April, and H is out of town.
He's in Orlando. So that's some help. And D and I were there for a bit as well.
In case you didn't know this already, don't take a toddler to Disney World. It's stupid. Not because they won't have fun, they probably will, but the park is SO huge, and they require a nap (and mine will not do it in a stroller... SO MUCH TO SEE!! No, no, we need a crib) so you waste so much time getting to the park, only to need to leave the park within a few hours to go nap, then that takes forever, and then you go back and then they can't stay up and....
Anyway. Fun, but financially ridiculous (even with all the help). Thank goodness H's company covered some of the expenditures and we used some of H's "points" to get there and cover our part of the hotel. We got some good pictures and some good memories, but it was very strenuous on how we dealt with each other because we were both so stressed out.
No major fights to speak of. But the morning we left, I heard something on the radio and it set me off.
I didn't go into a flying rage or anything. Just obsessive thoughts. We've been working a lot on acceptance in IC. That I just have to accept that thoughts will come into my head that I don't necessarily want to have and how I just sort of... have to let them pass.
I have to acknowledge the pain.
I just never know when I'm going to be set off.
I watched a video of some dude in drag dancing to "Call Me Maybe" while doing Chatroulette. Hilarious, but made me think of 2 years ago when I was so lonely that I went on there. Nothing terrible or scarring happened (no, I didn't even see anyone's junk!), but it's the only time I've ever done that.
And then of course, the time of year. It was this Friday two years ago I found that receipt for condoms that still haunts me to this day.
I try to acknowledge all the good things we have. I know it may not seem like it on here, but if you want to gauge it, I've been posting here less and less (and, remember, not many people knew what was happening when it was happening, so this was literally my only place to vent for so, so long).
Our daughter is happy, healthy, smart, loving, and clearly feels cared for by the way she treats her stuffed animals and dolls.
We have a wonderful house that we've been in for less than a year. H is a rising star at work and is regularly chatting with CFOs and VPs, etc. etc.
I still love my job, and my job loves me. I had a super successful ARD today actually.
I know that the memories and pain will fade. It does on a regular basis. But my tolerance for his general crap is just so much lower than it used to be. And I do still feel contemptuous. Which I know is absolute arsenic for a relationship.
We are discussing a second child. For a few reasons. Primarily, we want our children to not be super far apart and I do NOT want to be pregnant past 35. Yes, I know I've got a few years, but who knows if getting pregnant the next time around will be as easy as the first time? It takes, on average, a year to conceive. Plus, who knows if this would be our last kid. I'm not a proponent for people having a kid in order to "save their relationship", but I think it's brought to light new strengths in each other that we didn't know before having D. Not to toot our own horn, but we both think the other person is a pretty awesome parent. There are other not so nice things we can say about how we do other things, but when it comes to our parenting, we are both very happy with each other. If all future offspring were to be like the first one (yes, I know, highly unlikely), we'd be happy with more than just 2.
Secondly, I know that it is the ultimate test. It is the worst f-ing double edged sword I can think of, but I do not trust him still to do the right thing in that situation. Yes, I understand that adding a kid to the mix is not AS big a transition as becoming a parent for the first time. And he knows his mistakes. AND he WANTS to make them better.
The logical side of me says, "he won't f it up this time. We've spent too much time and money fixing things. We've made mistakes, we've learned from mistakes, and H does tend to stick to lessons learned from big mistakes. If he masters this task, then my faith in him will be restored."
The f-ed up side of me says, "he still cannot handle being a grown up. He cannot handle me being the one in a vulnerable position. He cannot handle being the strong one."
I know that I will never REALLY know until we cross that bridge again.
if you are not certain you want to stay with him then I certainly would not have another child with him. The transition from 1 to 2 children is a difficult one (2 to 3 isn't bad but that 1 to 2 is a hard one)
Your business, May, to do what you want. But I agree with figgeroni. I've seen good marriages go berzerk with two kids. It is a ton of work and pressure, and you still have so much unresolved stuff.
The condom receipt still haunts you.
Heal that.
Talk about it. What's it going to take?
I have a very hostile relationship right now with my partner that is on the verge of ending - again - and we're okay with each other's parenting. That doesn't say a lot about our relationship with each other, though.
I would clean up your thoughts about getting older, and probably wanting to do this with the same father, etc. Just get really clear and clean on that stuff.
My coworker buddy really freaked me out with his story, I postponed going off of my A/D's because of it. I was at 40 mg at the peak (only for about 2 weeks though), went back down to 20 for a couple of months, then 10 for about a month, then 5 for another month, then 5 every other day for a couple of weeks and finally quit taking them last week. So far I've had a few headaches, but emotionally I've been OK. The main reason I wanted to get off of them is because they elevated my blood pressure and pulse. Pulse went from 60 to over 80 for the duration I was on them. Doc said it wasn't the A/D's, she thought it was the stress from my sitch. She was wrong. My pulse dropped right back down to 60 when I stopped taking them.