It's soo hard everyday. He was my best friend, and having to grieve for our friend relationship, is sometimes even harder than the marriage portion. I still cry about this more than I should, but I understand that tears can be cleansing as well.
I do think that it's definitely somehow tied into his medical episode. Every conversation, he keeps referring to the "stroke," that once he got sick, it changed everything. He has even gone as far as to say that he blames me for what happened to him. That is was our relationship that made him sick! I don't believe the two related, but when I really think about it...There was definitely a difference from him, once he got out of the hospital, subtle at first but definitely increasing changes.
The family angle is definitely a trigger for him. He is very far, from anyone related to him other than his son (his family lives in the UK). His son lives few states away (there is definitely some guilt here). He does seem to have a love/hate relationship with his Mother. When he does something that makes her unhappy, she stops speaking to him. Which is a pattern, that is so destructive. She has found out about this, and from what I understand has stopped speaking to him again. He has a brother, and a sister (who a few years ago), he was not speaking to. They have cautiously reached out to me, but I think they are very afraid that he will cut them out completely. If they don't go along with his new life plan. There was definitely, a difficult childhood. His sister left home at 18yrs, and there is challenging relationship with his father. They all struggle to get along with their mother. He has hinted at the family turmoil. However, he has never specifically spelled out to me what happened. However, when he went to see her/them this summer (he was briefly interested in our marriage). It only lasted a few days...
There is also a piece of this, that I cannot figure out. This friend of his is going thru a very similar situation with his wife. I cannot help, but think that one has influenced the other, and even provided some sort of validation. There were together all of the time leading up to this. His friend is a few years older, and he always refers to him as a big brother.
On my front, my new job is going well, and my volunteer program has been really successful! It's wrapping up soon, but volunteering at the school has been such a rewarding experience. I am working on a few 180's (that are basic) like becoming more organized. One of H's complaints, and challenging myself not to let me fears get the best of me. Thinking about skydiving with a friend. Scary!
I am trying every day not to worry about what's going to happen. It's now almost 2 mos, since he tried to get me to sign the divorce paperwork. I am not sure what is going on, but he defintely has really made an effort to erase me from his life. I think that he would really like to pretend that I don't even exist. Which is hurtful to even write down. Let alone deal with my feelings
Sorry, this is just rambling at this point, but it just feels good to get this out.
M 32 H 35 M 3/ SS 8yrs BD 7/5/12 S 10/1/12 H wants Divorce 1/13 It's official served 5/13
