Taking a step back-a fresh start

[cbtdad]

Just got back from dinner with the wise man.
He just restablished everything that he has talked to me about. This is a marathon not a sprint. This will be he hardest thing you do if you fight for it, but the reward is great. A lot easier to just walk away, but the pain is much harder down the road. You have to give her space and let her make her own decisions. She has to see something different for her to second guess anything. Same behavior equals same relationship. And my new favorite things he said.
Have no expectations. Which we all know right?
He said expectations = premeditated resentment

[uRworthy]

You asked this on ChrisN's thread:

But when you want so badly to get some insight and have them finally talking how do you get away from that? That's been my hardest thing. It's like I want to make one point or something but I can't help get into a longer conversation where it seems like I do most of the talking.
Detaching? Walking away? Prepare mentally?
Ideas if y'all have any please:) I struggle with this constantly.

I am not sure what you are asking exactly. Are you asking how do you get her to talk? Or how do you get to make another point that she does not want to hear?

And I am not sure why are you still talking about making a point? She is not going to be able to hear you right now because it's not about you, C. It really isnt.

And I am not sure what insight you hope to get. Because it doesnt matter. It really doesnt. Right now she does not want to be in this marriage. That's really all you need to know. The reasons why are hers. Knowing anything else is not going to change things.

And if you are doing most of the talking, I'm thinking she is not ready to talk.

The way to deal with this C, is to really and truly believe with every ounce of your being that this is her journey. That there is nothing you can say to make her change her mind. That is doesnt matter why she feels the way she does right now because either way you are going to become the best person you can be.

And then do it.

The ultimate act of love is letting go.

And once you really do, you will begin to see that you do not need to engage her in conversations, you do not need to make a point, you do not need to worry about whether what you are doing or saying is affecting her.

Then and only then will you be detached and you are really beginning your journey.

Leave her to this, C.

You do you.

[Accuray]

I'm going to add this for both you and ChrisN, building on what URWorthy is saying:

In Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough", there's some good advice for you. Here's a quote:

"[You must first adopt] an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."

"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. She will not sit down and explain her inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."

"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with her hiding her cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than she should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."

"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. She knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. She has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"

"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this woman that events are swirling out of control and may take her in directions she has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."

Finally:

"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and she begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, she's coming your way. She's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. She's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for her to observe that changes are occurring which she neither controls nor understands. Tell her nothing. She *needs* to wonder."

Hope that helps

[cbtdad]

Thanks Urworthy! As always you have the best timing of things I need to hear.
I'm not completely there yet, but I definitely begining to feel more and more like I'm understanding that is her journey. I'm beginning to learn to let go as much as I can. I've got to make this about me and detach or I will crumble. I know this. I've got to get back where I was in February and march. April was awful for me. Tidy is May 1, lets get back to it

[cbtdad]

Wow Accuray! That was extremely helpful.
Thank you for that

[jp787]

Just ordered that book after reading the quote. Thanks for posting that A.

[jp787]

So cbt sounds like we both go through highs and lows of being able to focus on ourselves.
I am going to start documenting what I do that helps bring me out of those downs, I'll share them with you once I have some ;-)

[MrCAS]

^^^^^ Times two ^^^^^

[Accuray]

That book is dated, homophobic, and spends a large amount of time trying to rationalize when divorce is biblically acceptable by probing for loopholes in the Bible, so read it with a grain of salt. There's some really great stuff in there but it's buried amid some not so good stuff.

Acc

[MrCAS]

The pearl in swill... I found the Dobson writing interesting.