Wow, men who like to cook, not gonna lie, that's a turn on for women. Just sayin..... LOL!
J, who cares what your wife thinks of your changes right now? Not you, cuz you are living your life, right?
But, I will answer your question a little. In the future, if she has done the work and looks towards you, you want her to see someone different. Someone she doesnt have to worry about. Someone strong and capable. Because she is not going to want to come back to more of the same, ya know?
I'm scared to let go of W, no I am terrified. I know I need to so that I can work on me, yet when I think about it, I feel sick and profusely sad. This is really hard.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
JP, just keep pushing forward. You will have these days along with the good ones as well. Just remember that. One step at a time. Not to have a pity party with you today. But I know exactly how you feel right now because its the type of day I'm having as well. I don't know why, I just woke up today in a really sad mood and hate the fact that I am having to go through this. I just keep telling myself to let me feel these feelings for a bit, but then it's time to move on for the rest of the day
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I understand what your saying 100%- here is what woke me up
I spent two weeks crying, begging etc etc
Then I found this site and the theory made sense to me. JP your wife needs space- give it to her She NEEDS to come back by choice- because she needs to experience it. I was reading "Scuffy the tugboat" the other night to D3. If you are not familiar its about a little toy tugboat that is tired of playing in the bathtub.....because he was meant for "bigger things" Scuffy gets out into the real ocean and he dreams of going back in his "bathtub"
You dont know what your wife wants, we dont know what your wife wants....more then likely SHE doesnt know what she wants- but she needs to make whatever decision she makes ON HER OWN
So while she takes this time to learn about herself- Discover yourself. Im thinking that im getting a head start on being released to the "single scene"- and If that does happen I wont be on the bottom of that crap pile.
Appearance, psychological health, self worth, esteem/ confidence,- these are all things potential mates will look for....including your wife
work on that list- and the next woman you meet (if wife leaves) will be a VERY lucky woman
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
She has given me the gift of time. I have wasted enough of it. Time to get moving and get living. My thoughts have always been my worst enemy and now they are stronger than they have been. It's time to battle my thoughts, face my fears and do what I don't think I can. I have to find me and strip away all of the negative beliefs. This is that hard road.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If you want it your going to have to work for it- AND THEN CONTINUE WORKING FOR IT AFTER SHE COMES BACK
lets step back my friend- The last 12-18 months couldnt have been too good for you either R wise to have put yourself in the bad space you were in.
(In my case I was actually distancing myself from W out of my own depression)
Thats one reason why I told myself no more alcohol
Every less then healthy thing we do to ourselves -we do out of avoidance of something
You are beginning to see the light JP. When the negative thoughts creep in drop and do 5- 10- 15 or 20 pushups- that will clear your head real fast
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Every less then healthy thing we do to ourselves -we do out of avoidance of something
That is a huge goal for me.
I always look for something external to make me feel good so that I don't have to deal with something.
The big addiction, porn.
The little ones that are a pain in the a55: Spending money/buying stuff. Comfort eating Sleeping Pity ?? trying to find someone else to comfort me.
My challenge it to, well it is my mission statement ;-)
My Mission Statement: I DESERVE to Love myself. I AM NOT afraid to love myself, and hold myself in a higher regard of self respect... I HAVE self worth and value. I WILL be a kinder, more giving person, a person that can love without expectation. I WILL accept myself for who I am and accept others for who they are, without judgment. I WILL be honest. I ALLOW myself to forgive. I WILL laugh daily. I AM open to change I AM worthy of being loved I DO accept myself as I am I WILL live my life as best as I can. I WILL not hold anger inside me. I WILL be more giving and not except back. I WILL find my inner strength. I ALLOW myself to be able to be happy and content with myself. I WILL face my fears. I WILL eradicate my abusiveness and need to control from my personality
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
One thing I struggle with is the therapy, the process of change. Let me expand. I am logical and feel that I need a road map and paint by number guide to follow. My W told me about her EMDR session and how she was able to pick her safe place, a beach with white sand, the deep blue water of the ocean, she was sitting in a chair on the beach with a hot guy fanning her and a drink in her hands. She could smell the ocean and taste the drink. She was in her safe place and then my youngest D and me showed up and were talking and loud creating noise, so the therapist had my W create a protector, she chose her FIL. He came into the picture and she said it was like he created a bubble around her and D and me were still there, but she couldn't hear us anymore. I post that because to me that is what is suppose to happen and it AMAZES me! I can barely picture a beach in my head and she can smell the ocean air and taste her drink???
So I guess I am asking is there anyone else out there who is more like me, not able to picture all of this or experience all of this in your head and who have found ways to better yourself? Build your self worth and self esteem?
The idea of getting in my head to change things is very foreign to me.
Does these make any scene???
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Everyone's brain is unique, and what works for one may be a waste of time for another. I do talk therapy, and each time I go I think about what's been bubbling near the surface this week that I want to chip away at, and I bring it up, and my counselor asks questions, and I realize things then or later, and I express emotions that I don't feel I can anywhere else, and I get support for what I do right and perspective on the things I feel bad about. She recommended A/D's for a while, and exercise the rest of the time, and looking for other ways to take good care of myself. She suggested reading to help with things I could benefit from, and talking about what I learned with her led to more solid understanding and progress. So for me, the visualization exercise you're talking about might have been one part of an overall desire to work on stress management. It's not an end-all or be-all. There are other ways to manage stress and different people use different methods. My counselor is an LCSW. I also see a psychiatrist with my S13 and see a lot more action and medication and a lot less talking, and I think once we get his medications on an even keel I'll switch him to someone who will listen to him more.
I believe the process of change is done through talking, first to get to a realization that change is possible and necessary, then to understand what being changed would look like, then time to practice it and get feedback, and over time you don't remember being the way you were before. At least that's how it's working in me.
I'm not familiar with EMDR but I've heard it has useful application.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
