Weird scenario

[AnotherStander]

Welp I screwed up again. Was texting wife cause I was lonely by myself. saying I wish you were here blah blah. Then she finally responds leave me alone please. and I went off. telling her She wasted 6 yrs years of my life and that her OM must be getting mad that I'm texting and shes exactly like her mom.

Wow, that was really bad. That's the kind of thing that tells her that leaving you is the right thing to do. It reinforces every negative thought she has about you. You have got to change this behavior ASAP. First, you have got to quit the "I'm so lonely without you" texts, to you it sounds like reaching out, to her it sounds weak, pathetic and desperate. Next, you've got to quit the blame-storming. SHE sees YOU as the reason for everything that is wrong. When you blame her, it just sounds selfish to her, like you are heaping all the blame on her and not taking any responsibility for yourself. Plus the combination of reaching out to her immediately followed by the angry outburst sounds very passive/ aggressive which is a form of control and manipulation, another thing that pushes the WAS further away.

Just the pain of this process is unbearable at times.

Yes it is. And it's at those times when you turn to these forums or to your support group, NOT your W!!!! She doesn't want you, and she especially doesn't want your neediness. You have got to change your behavior to something she DOES want. You have to be happy, content, confident. You have to exude PMA and self-confidence. Work on YOU and leave her alone!

[AnotherStander]

I couldn't agree with you more. I think I was emotionally abusive cause I felt like I was the only trying in the relationship and I always had to walk on eggshells cause I know if I told her things that were bothering me she would leave and run

You agree with Adinva, then immediately blame your emotional abuse on your W again (you did it because SHE wasn't trying in the R). Read her post again:

When you said you were emotionally abusive, you were very quick to point the finger back at her and say she was too. I think if this experience is a wake up call to you, you might turn all your attention off your W and begin to figure out what emotional abuse is, and why you did it, and how you can learn to never ever do that to another human being again, no matter what excuses you think justify it. And not to accept it when you hear it from someone else. And why you are so angry that you are out of control of your own behavior. Learn to feel and own your emotions, all of them, and stop using them as excuses to do bad things.

That should be enough to keep you very busy, without a moment to text your W or call her a whore.

I don't sense from your posts that you feel good about lashing out at your W. It didn't make you feel better and it certainly did not draw her closer. So please recognize it as the damaging behavior that it is, behavior that is COMPLETELY under your control. You have the power to change it. This is a 180 that needs to be your top priority.

[Papa4Life]

Hi, I haven't read much of your thread -- I just like to check out the advice that Stander dishes out because he knows of what he speaks!

I've got to agree with Stander and others who have responded here, you've GOT to detach and stop trying to reach out to her and control her. Begging, pleading, raging, cajolling, manipulating --NONE of that will work. Period. Ever break up with someone, only to have them call and text endlessly trying to get you to reconsider? How'd that make you feel? I've read posts by WAWs on this board, and the word I see pop up a lot is 'disgust'. Sad but true, telling her how lonely you are, crying in front of her, losing your temper -- they find all of it, well, disgusting. And weak. Now, on the other hand, have you ever broken up with someone only to see them turn around and start datimg again and improving their appearance, and pretty much leaving you as an after thought? How did that make you feel? Probably left you scratching your head, wondering what it was that made you want to leave them in the first place, right?

Look, if you're like I was (and probably just about every newbie on this board!) you're tthinking, "nobody understands how much pain I'm in. Nobody understands how much I'm willing to change to fix my M. And the things the vets are telling me don't apply because I know my w." Well, let me disabuse you of those notions. Everybody here knows what you're going through and while we don't know your W, we are very familiar with the WAW script. Trust us when we say, the sooner you stop pursuing, the sooner you turn your focus to working on YOU, rather than teying to fix things, the sooner you can get to work on what, in fact, is the only thing you can change: you.

I'm saying all this because I think you need a bit of a wakeup call. You remind me a LOT of myself early on in my sitch. I was so angry and hurt and lonely. A fact made even worse by the fact that I live on a different continent from my family and life-long friends. But I take it that you do have a support group around you? If so, I would take all of that negative energy and channel it into a productive, positive outlet. Start running, hang out with friends, work on a hobby, or do something else that will make you happy. You can do this. Practice patience. Work on your PMA. And maybe read about emotional abuse or see a therapist. It can only be a benefit, whether things work out with W or not.

So, what are the takeaways from this? 1. No more initiating contact with W. 2. Show W a person who is confident, together, with a fantastic PMA, no matter how you feel inside. 3. Work on GAL. Let your support group support you. 4. The next time you get the urge to send a text to W, promise us you'll come on these boards and let us talk you back from "the ledge".

Hang in there. It gets easier. You've just got to stop trying to force something that can't be forced. I'll drop by sometime and see how you're doing.

[Jeack]

No your so right. I'm definitely passive aggressive. I was in IC for it before and need to find away to change that. I just feel like I'm running out of time. And then people that know her feel the need to inform me about what she's doing. Not coming home for days and apparently her mom and brother are getting mad at her.

The other thing my Therapist told me before was I'm a fixer and have to realize I can't fix her. Only myself.

Then I texted her this this morning. Once putting blame on her

Look I'm only writing this cause I care about you. Not to try to change your mind about the divorce. I know about how you've been running all around with Andy and your using it to deflect our problems. I really hope you stop letting yourself be used. You need to take some of the advice that therapists have told you. You always said about how the important people in your life leave you. But look at what your doing to me and how everything went down with the grandmother. I might not of been the best communicator and had my flaws. But I've always been there for you to pick up the pieces and I'm not gonna be for long. Your a smart fun person. I just really hope you wake up soon and realize these things. I wanted to build our own family together, I just wanted us to be stable first and you know I was right about us not being good or you wouldn't have ran away again. You said about all these statistics about how we didn't have chance because of age and this being my second marriage. You can find anything you want on the Internet to justify what you think. The bottom line is I do care about you. We have a lot of time invested in each other and were moving towards having a good life together, we had the house we were working towards kids and now it was all for nothing. Just seems like you don't want those things in life anymore. You seem lost. I really hope you wake up before its to late.

I've got to get control of myself. I'm driving myself crazy.

[Papa4Life]

Whoops, looks like we've got another good example of the kinds of things that you can say to your W to just push her away even more.

Let's start with mistake #1. Do not send your W e-maii or texts or call her!
Mistake #2: No R talk unless SHE initiates it.
Wait a minute, I can save us both some time by just urging you - imploring you - to go look up sandi2's 37 rules for DBing, print it out, learn it, and live it. I'll wait while you go do that. Go, go,go...

Okay, let's proceed. Now that you've memorized the 37 rules, let's jump to:
Mistake #38: do not tell your W how she feels. As if somehow you can read her mind and tell her what she's thinking and what she should do to "fix" her feelings.
And finally:
Mistake #39: why are you sending your W e-mail?!? You should be too busy working on yourself, GAL, and building up your self-esteem and PMA to have time to write her e-mails!

Jeack, I applaud your willingness to reconcile with your W. But as the resident expert in how NOT to DB, I can tell you from experience that the full court press technique isn't gonna work. In fact it's totally counter productive. If your W somehow could have been talked out of a D, she would've talked HERSELF out of it by now. It's time to put down the b-ball and start practicing ju jitsu. You've got to let your W's inertia W against her. She is leaning out, expecting you to pull her back. So what happens if you just let go? She might fall on her backside and feel pretty foolish, especially because it was her own actions that landed her there. Is there a chance that once you let her go she'll just run away? Yeah. Sadly it won't work out for everybody. But if you work on detaching now, there's a good chance she'll realize that she could fall flat and maybe that will make her rethink her deciaion. But you've GOT to start letting go now, otherwise she's just gonna get sick of the game and then she really will run away. And not look back.

C'mon, pal. You can do this. You are in control here. Don't expect anything at all from W. It's all on you. We're here for you the next time you've written another e-mail. Post it here first before you hot send and we'll remind you why that's not such a hot idea.

[Jeack]

Your absolutely. Thanks for the smack. She did respond and say "what do you want me to say" so I respond then dark?

On a side note I got my grass cut and going to my sons baseball game. Then I'm dog sitting for a friend until Sunday. Then setup 2 more meetings with brides. Yeah not fun being a wedding dj right now.

[Jeack]

Well I did respond to her response. All I said was. " I honestly don't know. I just really care about you as a friend and for the time being your husband, And it seems like your going down a bad path. I could be totally wrong. I do hope for some miracle brings us back toether at some point. But if not im at peace with that. I do love love you and probably always will"

Hope there wasn't to much damage in that. I've said what I need to and don't feel bad about it. I'm gonna work on myself. Not worry about what she does (Big 180) and just let her be. I can only change myself. I had a great night night got some chores done. went to see my son's baseball game. Had dinner with some friends. Now going to bed. Thanks for everyones support today.

[Papa4Life]

You're a wedding dj?!? Oh man, just don't go all Wedding Singer and start spinng "Love Stinks" or anything, okay?

All right, you got it outta your system. It seems you needed to get that off your chest, despite my urgings to the contrary, but what's done is done. Time to start moving forward. Trust me when I say that if you keep on letting yourself be lured into thinking that telling your W a hundred times how much you really love her is only going to push her further away and push you towards a higher and higher crash dive off the cliff when you finally realize that it's not gonna work. Do yourself a favor and give DBing a chance now, even though it seems so counterintuitive.

Lean back, don't initiate contact or R talk, and work on yourself. How can she start to miss you if you don't leave her alone? The decision to reconcile is one that SHE has to make. It has to be made by her internally after a long ride on the loop-the-loop roller coaster, not by any manipulation on your part (which, let's face it, is exactly what it feels like to her when you say "Well, I hope you're happy, but it seems to me that if you keep on going down this path, you're only gonna get hurt").

And the reason all us newbies are told so often to focus on ourselves is because (get ready, here it comes) IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS! Sorry for shouting. But it's true, let's say you're W suddenly starts to have some inkling of a desire to reconcile. What happens if she finds that you've made almost no changes in yourself? Right, she just sees it as more of the same.

P

[Jeack]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. It's just [censored] that it seems that the only way to get them back is to do the complete opposite of how you feel.

Then I have a handful of women that know I'm separated, and keep throwing themselves at me. But I've already made up my mind that I won't act on anything until the divorce is final.

And your right, what I wrote may seem manipulative. But it's how I feel. But in reality I'm sure if I could even get past her PA.

I did do some reading on passive aggressive personalitys and what I feel trigger that in me. And on emotional abuse. It definitely all ties back in resent and communication issues and how I deal with them in relationships.

Just seems like she has her whole family hating me, my friends and family see all the pain I'm going thru and there would be so many road blocks to reconcile

But I did see a good quote today.

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere"

That's path the W seems to be taking. But I can't change it.

[Jeack]

I keep thinking back to the last time W wanted a D and knowing her or at least thinking I do. What ended up bringing her back was she found out that my XGF had contacted me and I was suppose to have dinner with her but canceled.

I feel like in the beginning of DB'ing by my leaving her alone and not responding to calls is what pushed her to OM.

She had a very strong relationship with her grandmother, but they had a fight about the time we were getting married and her grandmother moved to Florida. She felt she left her and has contacted her at all. Throws away Christmas and birthday cards if they sent her a check she'd throw it away (finally they started sending gift cards.

So I guess my real fear and knowing her is, if I don't push for the relationship I know it will end. Her therapist had a name for it where she can flip a switch so she doesn't feel pain or remorse. And she said she likes it that so she doesn't get hurt.

So how will going dark work? I don't think it will. By doing it early on it just sent her to the OM. I'm not pointing blame. But I'm not dealing with a normal person. I also know its not all her fault. That I played just as much in our M failing. But some advice in this case would be awesome!