Suckerpunch down to the wire

[25yearsmlc]

YOU WROTE:


Here is one issue that I am realizing I definitely have. I don't think I know how to validate without reciting it from a script. I don't think that makes me a bad person. I honestly don't feel that I am. It does however make me a bad communicator, especially where wife is concerned. Take this for example:

W:"I guess we both wish we could have changed each other. I wanted you to treat me like you loved and cared for me while we were together and you want me to try now that we are apart. Maybe we just we not meant to be.

W:I know you dont accept my choice but for once in our marriage please respect my wishes to move on. I am sorry (husband) but that is what I want. I havent waivered on that at all."


How would I respond to that, validate her feelings and make her feel that I am truly supportive? I didn't realize that my actual repsonse was that bad. Obviously it was.

The "BOLD" letters are what I BELIEVE are her main messages.
It's not about her moving on.

It's about how you made her feel.


I wish you'd said "I'm so sorry for that w, and you're right. I should have treated you better and showed you how much I cared for and loved you. I didn't know how & I made hurtful mistakes. If I had it to do over again, there are a lot of things I would do differently."


You are NEVER to bring up HER deficiencies. Why?

Because you're not in piecing and not even then, you MODEL growth and self improvement for her. If she's really into a reconciliation, her own motivation will reveal itself and she will work on herself.

Sure, there may be things you two actually do not know about yourselves that the spouse finds annoying, and those will at some point need to be shared in as loving a way as possible.

But the dealbreakers are, or ought to be, obvious. Certainly obvious before any reconciliation.

It frustrates me no end to see LBS talk about what THEY want their WASs to change or "work on" to better THEMSELVES, the minute there is interest from the WAS. It's like the LBS forgot that there were reasons the WAS walked away...

in some cases (and I think you do this score keeping SP) It's like you put it away for awhile, but you kept the score card hidden

and you are READY to pull it out fast, even when she's just talking to you about life in general, b/c you don't want to look OR be the one who "does all the work." I say, "why not be that one?"

Newsflash...the spouse who wants to reconcile the most, needs to take the first step, and the next step, and the next thousand steps...

and not worry about what the other is doing.

As for communication...a lot of men lately, have told me that. It's weird to me b/c I'm very direct. I would just ask my spouse a question, I THINK...(would I? Gosh I like to think so)

But at least two men have told me that they "never talked about why" their wives refused sex for several months or years. I'm baffled by that. How could you NOT ask what was going on for that? What was their fear, since they were not getting affection anyhow?

So you are not alone in poor communication skills, vis a vis your w.

On one hand, I totally get the fear of rocking the boat. To an extent we ALL have that.

If things are rocky between you, you don't want to make them worse

AND OR

if things are going well, you don't want to wreck the good time you were having.

What then? A "state of the union" check in, every month? I happen to like that idea.

It takes the initial "buy in" for both parties to trust that it won't turn into a b1tc3 session.

But don't let it. And then when you learn to keep it to less than 30 minutes a month, and you do it in a way that is not accusatory, you will learn a lot about each other.

What about doing that with your wife as it relates to your d? Nothing formalized at first.

Meaning, you will have numerous chances to engage in conflict resolution or problem solving about your daughter, in the coming years.


HOW you resolve conflict and problem solve, is far more important than the number of conficts or problems. Face it, life throws more at some couples.

"Check in" with each other.

Let's take a HYPOTHETICAL in which you both agreed that you had a tendency to scare your daughter with your fast (but arguably safe) driving or the truck has a loud back fire, OR you have a loud laugh that startles her. (Do not try to 'even this out' by finding a fault for your wife to work on...OMG do not. Just MODEL this and realize you lose nothing by modelling improvements without her doing the same. You gain...)

Besides, It's Not a big bad evil trait. But it's something you'd like to modify for your daughter's sake, and maybe only til she's older...

So, instead of fighting about it, or arguing or denying it,

what if you were to ask your wife now and then, "hey, I've been working on not being so loud when I laugh around d. How am I doing on that?"

Or ask your d, in front of your wife, what SHE your daughter thinks...

this reveals the gift/ability to face up and repair a trait simply b/c it matters to her.

AND it shows a lighthearted self acceptance.

No self loathing man could do this.

Only a man who loves himself in a healthy way can openly admit he's working on a trait he wants to change in himself. (THEN perfection!! )

I saw a great man do this (the conductor of the EE workshop actually).

He asked his then 8 year old son something like "Christopher, remember our talk last month? Well I've really been working hard not to snap around you when I'm working. So, can you tell me, how am I doing with that?"

The son took the question very seriously, and reflected.

In that moment, I could see that the son felt valued by his hero father, asking HIM, a mere boy of 8, how he, the HERO DAD was doing...and all this for his son.

The boy beamed afterwards and "congratulated" his dad on his progress by shaking his hand or patting his back. I can't recall exactly, but they both seemed like best friends at that moment. It was a small but heartwarming moment

and bittersweet too. My dad could have made some small adjustments that would have meant the world to me, but I had no tools for telling him that.

I was a kid. He was used to pontificating (a lawyer and public speaker by profession)

so, see if there's anything in that story that helps you

envision what healthy constructive LOVING feedback would look like and how you could RECEIVE it, b/c I think you do enough giving it.

Don't "react", just process it.

Learn to see and Consider feedback of any kind, of value.

It's "intel", like in a reconnaissance mission, you need the intelligence data to make an informed choice.

Finding out there's a trait your spouse hates or fears in you, is valuable. Learn from it. Maybe someday, bond from it b/c of your willingness to change it.

When you and your wife deal with your d's school plans and play dates and bully kids and mean teachers and hobbies of hers, not to mention her heartbreaks and real school issues,

be on her team. Like AS said, get on her side.

If you live in the type of place or have the type of family that banishes people like your wife, and models UNforgiveness

it's going to cripple any relationship you have. It's up to you to stop that from happening. And you know you or someone in your family is tearing your wife down. If you told them that you wish they would not do that BECAUSE IT HURTS YOU and your d

b/c even if you divorce, your w will always have been the love of your life and you've loved her for a long part of your life. At some level you always will.

How can it be good to hear her put down? It does not make you "right" or better, to have her "wrong" or inferior.

Hope you really think about this SP. You're a smart guy and you seem willing to listen...

it's the implementation of your new ways that trips you up. Practice. Seriously, you have to practice.