Wife is having an emotional affair

[Alan A.]

Oh, I forgot to add. Apparently W told her mom that I am winning the D. I asked her what that was supposed to mean. She said that I already had a job and I was already doing well for myself and that she was jealous. Then she said something like, "I can't even get a job or take care of myself." The only reason she can't get a job is because she won't put in the effort. Last summer she was trying to find a job. She went around to a few places around town and got applications. Some she would fill out, others she would say she was going to fill them out but never did. Out of the ones that did get filled out I think she only submitted 1 and that's only because it was an online application. She said that she want's to get a job this summer but has taken absolutely no steps to indicate that she actually does. I really don't feel like I'm "winning" anything. I'm just doing what needs to be done.

[Alan A.]

This morning W said to me "It's the last day of class but I feel like I'm failing all of my classes." I can't say I didn't see that coming.

[MrBond]

You can sympathize with her. The fact that she's actually sharing her feelings with you is something.

[Alan A.]

looked at a room for rent today. It was super cheap, It was actually really nice especially for the price. I'm not sure if I would want to live there though. There are a couple other places that I'm going to look at before I decide.

[25yearsmlc]

Alan

You've gotten great advice from Sandi. But I can understand if you are feeling that there is too much water under the bridge.

It's not that I would normally agree with that. But I've been married decades and raised kids. You were newlyweds and Sandi raises an excellent point about this happening so soon into the marriage AND your wife's comments about pre marital jitters and doubts, ring true.

Normally, (whatever that means), I urge the LBH to really do some inward searching b/c I simply don't know many women who have affairs for no reason except the excitement of it. But I DO know a few...

your wife being a new bride and cheating, and the way she's approaching the divorce and school and the brazen way she's dating OM in your face so fast, are all signs of someone NOT at all ready to be married.

I would interpret her mother's comments as reflecting poorly on your wife, not you.

I just want to say how impressed I am with the way you seem to understand one basic tenet that so many of us, me included, did not.

You understand that you must put one foot in front of the other, to move forward. That despite your pain, you have to find work to pay bills...and a place to live, and reliable transportation, etc.

You get this. Your wife does not and she's NOT in pain...you're a much stronger man than you may realize.

I say "hats off to you" for getting a job, getting thru your exams and not losing your head when you saw them holding hands in a hallway where you attend class. She's shameless, really. And clueless.

I don't think she means to be cruel, but I'm reminded of a book I read in high school called Madame Bovary...it doesn't end well for either the wife or the husband.

However in your case, I think down the road you'll come to believe she has done you a favor. I rarely say that, but here is why. Like Sandi, I believe that when this type of behavior happens this early in the marriage, it portends bad news forever.

Someone else here posted about being a wife who'd had an affair. Typically, there IS something missing emotionally b/c married women rarely have affairs "just for sex" and there is nothing casual about the affair to the married woman. In those cases, as I said, I'd tell you to dig deep and bravely look within yourself...

but not here. Not in your first year of marriage. You have not had an anniversary yet, correct? You are literally newlyweds...

I have seen women treat their h's like this, or similar to this, three times. All three times the men stayed for almost a decade of their lives before the marriages ended. Two of the couples had had children, all lost a fortune in debts the wives seemed unable to contain, and seeing the kids go thru a divorce just ripped their hearts out more when it inevitably ended.

Years after that, I ran into one of the ex wives. She was bitter and resentful about what SHE had lost in the divorce and how much harder her life was. She reluctantly admitted that she "had played with fire and gotten burned", but said nothing about what she put her ex h thru, OR their son...

But there was some good news. The good news is that her ex h remarried and I reached out to him once. He replied that indeed he is much happier and that he also got custody of their only child, and they are close...

that's why I think your wife is, inadvertently, doing you a favor.

IF you want to divorce bust then I think you ought to follow Sandi's advice. What I rarely say here is, that if you do NOT want to divorce bust, given how short the marriage is, no property to speak of, no children,

the depth of the betrayal and how fast it happened and her attitude about it and utter refusal to look at herself to change, I would certainly understand.

In that case, I would say then cut your losses and get a life. (GAL)

Before you tell me you are too sad or busy or poor to GAL, don't bother.

I was in the interior of Alaska when my h first began to get wacked about staying there forever...even if we (the family) did not. AND we had a newborn baby girl then...

ANYHOW, here are SOME of the things I did to GAL and many of them were things I'd never done before.

I auditioned for community theater and eventually got some good roles. Also did stand up comedy.
In the theater and stand up comedy crowds, I met NEW people who did not know my situation and I found them fun and entertaining and the "work" quite absorbing. (Being on stage will absolutely prevent you from thinking about your spouse. Even if only for a few hours.) Same for attending live shows, btw.

Later on I kept doing stand up comedy and have done some all over the country. I did a set at the Hollywood Improv all about "Divorce and Mid Life Crisis" and though my h has never watched the tape, I promise you it was a great set for me. Super therapeutic.

Anyhow,
Do some crew work if you hate being on stage. If this is too similar to your wife's interests...move on down my list.

I joined a writer's club and met interesting creative people who tend to listen well, btw. I also journalled and found it cathartic.

I learned how to target shoot a pistol and rifle, with professional lessons. (Partly b/c a toddler had been killed by a bear 2 miles from us and the mother had fumbled around with a shotgun at the time. I vowed not to be that woman.) But shooting well felt oddly empowering.

I learned to hunt wild game and went deep sea fishing. Learned to cope with insanely cold temperatures and survive.

I went snow machining, learned to cross country ski, honed my downhill skiing and

I exercised a lot. I got in great shape working out almost every day. Helped my mental attitude a lot.

Used a tanning booth as an anti depressant b/c the days were so short. Found it helpful, and looked less pale, thankfully.

Saw a therapist and for some months I went on anti depressants. They helped.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Met good people who help others and met some folks with problems that made mine pale in comparison.

I did things at my kids schools and volunteered there, so I met parents and connected with my kids more.

I coached a softball team.

I was on the board of directors for the state's wrestling association (our son wrestled) and this was a great opportunity for me to meet other parents and professionals and travel a bit in the huge state.

I edited a book for an author who wrote about hunting and as partial payment, we went on a big game hunt. I got a caribou and fed my family. Checked it off my bucket list (sorry if you're a vegetarian.)

Took a pottery class, way out of my normal interests but found it soothing and creative. Met a hilarious woman in the class and we bonded big time.

Joined a wives' club for the first time in 15 years of being an officer's wife...and I had a surprisingly wonderful experience. Met and bonded with another life long friend.

Took a class in Italian cooking, which was enlightening and fun and tasty. I also took a college class in French conversation. Just things I had wanted to learn.

I'm a lawyer by profession and did some part time work for soldiers.

I Took flying lessons and got my pilot's license.

That was one of the few GAL things that cost much.

Oh I went skydiving for my birthday and had a blast. That was about $200 but I Did it again a few months later and will again.

I frickin' LOVED IT and I think it's very symbolic and empowering and daring and freeing...

There's more, but I think you get the point.

Volunteer, play, coach, teach, learn, DO something new and meet new people.

Working out once a week is a solo activity. If you had a lot of confidantes I'd say it's fine to do solo stuff, but you don't. You need to confide in someone AND coincidentally you need to meet new people. Maybe get a work out buddy or play racket ball or shoot hoops with someone or a group.

Those two things can be separate (ie confide in a family member or trusted friend. You have to have someone in "real life" to at least emotionally hug you. We can only do it 'virtually', but I concede this board and my DB coach, were life lines I could not have DB'd without).

IMO working out once a week is just not enough exercise for a man your age, in normal circumstances. I have a son about your age, and my h is fit and they both work out and or run, on a daily basis. They look good, too. Yes they are busy. But you can work in a run of a few miles in 30-40 minutes and achieve a lot that way. If you find that it's too much, then set a goal. The best shape of my life was over the age of 30, and again at 40, so ti's possible.

During times like you are in now, ( NOT normal), you must combat the stress of these circumstances even more, and trust me, there's stress in there.

You seem to be handling it well but exercise is one of those "freebies" we take for granted. Like since it's free it must not be valuable.

I sometimes think if working out costs us a lot more money, we'd probably value it more b/c it's incredibly healthy and therapeutic for us. And it does not have to cost much.

But getting outdoors and or exercising are SO important, Especially when we feel as you will at times,

lost, rejected and in terrible pain...

You need to exercise and eat right and sleep enough, more now than ever.

However I realize

You won't feel like it. You will resist it. You will NOT want to GAL.

You will SAY (or want to say) "I can't GAL right now, b/c...too busy/poor/sad/depressed/fat/rejected/overwhelmed"...

Yes, you will resist GAL mightily.

You'll be shocked at the urging & nagging you get here b/c there will be times it's all you can do to manage to get to a class or work, which we understand.

We know there will be times when you are done at school or work

and just want to return to your hovel and hide. There will be times you cannot imagine "doing MORE" than existing and getting thru the day.

There will be days (and nights) you will want to huddle under the blanket and eat nothing,

or eat a gallon of ice cream, drink a bottle of wine (or two), listen to sad music or watch re-runs of LoveBoat, not answering the phone, not calling anyone, just hiding out...

Alan, we've been there. We've done all that.

Do NOT succumb to this^^. Do not surrender to that darkness...

Overcoming inertia will be your biggest challenge.

I can say with certainty, that each time you GET OUT & GET A LIFE

you will not regret it. You'll be proud and happy you did. Sometimes you'll get a pleasant surprise and meet someone you want as a new friend.

Move on.

Moving on does not mean to give up, but it means to stop looking over your shoulder at what SHE is doing. You can't swim to the other shore if you keep turning around to check on HER activities...

I say all this^^ believing it's best for you so that if your wife never comes back, you'll have moved on sooner, towards your new happy life. You will have wasted much less time pining and asking "why" endlessly...

But paradoxically, if there is a chance of your wife having an awakening, and really earning her way back into your heart, it's by you doing exactly this same thing.

Get out, GAL, move forward in your life...she'll know how to reach you if the time comes.

If that time never comes or comes too late, you'll be too busy and happy in your new life to notice or care.

(((( hugs ))))

[Alan A.]

but not here. Not in your first year of marriage. You have not had an anniversary yet, correct? You are literally newlyweds...

That is correct, our first anniversary would be at the end of this month.

IMO working out once a week is just not enough exercise for a man your age, in normal circumstances.

I know that's not enough. I intend to go more often but find myself coming up with excuses to not go.

Thanks for the advice. I'm still not sure whether or not I want M to be saved. Most days I feel like I just want to get her out of my life. Less often I think that if she "woke up" and tried to come back to me that I might be willing to give her another chance, but I just don't know if I could trust her to not hurt me again.

[Alan A.]

I figured out a place to live. I haven't done any paperwork on it yet. The price is good, It's in a good location and the roommates(separate rooms) seem to be ok. But the problem is whenever I think of moving I get a knot in my stomach. I need to let the guy know ASAP that I want it, I wrote up a message but I couldn't bring myself to send it to him. Not sure what to do.

[cbtdad]

Take that step in the new you!! Send that message

[Alan A.]

I finally got the message sent. I got the room. not sure when I'll be moving yet.

[Alan A.]

I had some pretty crazy dreams last night about W. I know dreams aren't real but they stll bothered me.

I went to bed pretty early last night and woke up to find W never came home. I just want to gt out of here right now. I wish I could get packed up and moved all while W is out so she has no idea and comes home to find me and all my stuff gone.