Say What??

[2thepoint]

Hi 2Chi! I was reading a few posts back and wanted to chime in. Hope you don't mind.

Journaling--
I had a talk with H tonite about parenting stuff. I realize that I am very adamant about the kids having a nighttime routine. I brought it up and he was defensive from the start. I knew I must've said it wrong or missed something.

Came to find out he felt that I hadn't appreciated all the work he had been doing these past couple months. Since I started working evenings, he handles the evening "routine" and I didn't start the talk with affirmations (remember his LL-WOA!)

I struggle with these conversations since I don't know how to have constructive talks. I used to expect it to go my way and if it didn't, it wasn't productive. I'm learning to find balance.

I found myself saying, ok, well then what do you think should change? (in a nonjudgemental way).

Sometimes being honest about your feelings, and your struggles, and your growth is the best way to approach delicate situations or difficult conversations. The piece in the quote box hi-lighted in blue is a good example of where you might be a little more open in explaining yourself and what you are trying to be careful of and why it is a struggle for you.

Opening yourself up a little more in this way is showing vulnerability and understanding and a desire to communicate in a way that is not combative or hurtful. Acknowledging the effort your H is putting into parenting is apparently HUGE for him. Use this to your advantage as you try to find common ground.

Maybe approach the subject by acknowledging the work he has done. Then share some of the areas you are struggling with and instead of saying something like "it must be this way" or "I expect things to go that way", try soliciting his input. Perhaps something like, "for me, I feel most at ease when I know the kids are on a predictable schedule". "You seem to have that part down when I am at work, do you have any ideas on how we can make that work all the time?"

I know it sounds formulaic and will probably be uncomfortable at first but perhaps an approach like this might be helpful. Once you get that part down, then you can venture into other delicate areas using a similar approach. Specifically in the area of trust.

I hope this is helpful.