H took dds to mall before MC appointment for my birthday and mother's day, both next week. He relayed a cute story about d15 and said 'you've done a really good job with them'. I replied 'they're our girls, we both did'.
Had appointment with MC tonight. It was only our second appointment, so he's still gathering information and history. H is the 'patient' so MC had to do a diagnosis on him for insurance and he asked H as series of questions - is or has he felt anxious, depressed, irritable etc. H admitted to having sleeping problems, he wakes up in middle of night and doesn't go back to sleep. He's been irritable, especially at work. H said he had feelings of worthlessness. MC asked if he had feelings of guilt and he said no. What's that about???? Deep denial?
MC asked if anything has changed in the last two weeks since last appointment and we both said not really. H told MC that's not even a change, because we've always gotten along, had fun, joked, and could have a perfectly good relationship. I countered that a little by stating that we have been communicating more, but it's based around the kids or planning mostly. I don't feel I have permission to call and ask how his day was. H asked, why would I feel that way? I said that our communication has been so bad or non-existent and there seems to be a wall there. I asked him if he wanted more open communication on a personal level and he just said 'let me think about it'. (Duh! That's the wall I was referring to!)
The rest of the appointment was doing a geneogram, where it was easy to see our similar abandonment issues from our separate childhoods.
While we were in appt our kids were texting us about meeting for pizza for dinner. So we both came out of the session with 9 text messages and we met for another family dinner. Then H came over to the house to listen to D15 practice for a class presentation tomorrow. It was nice, calm family time.
H asked about watching the cats while we're gone this weekend and asked if he's here late Saturday, would I mind if he slept on the couch and left for work in the morning. I was gracious and said of course, H, this is still your home. (boy that was hard!!)
When he left, I walked out on the porch and asked him how he was feeling about the MC. He said if was tedious because it's just all history stuff, but he was fine with it. I thanked him a lot for going with me. And then I said:
Me: 'I know you're goals and objectives are different with the MC than mine are. And I really appreciate you being open to this experience. I read something today that I wanted to share with you (an AS post on another thread!), that if someone had told you on our wedding day or the many years after that you would have fallen out of love with me, you never would have believed them. Your feelings and thinking have changed. And I am hoping that they can change again'
H: 'I'm not closed to that'.
Me: 'I don't want the same relationship as before. I'm not the same person so it'd have to be different. You're different too. (then I backtracked a little) Actually I feel a lot like the old me, before kids and stress and BS.
H: 'I don't know if I can remember back that far' :l
Well I don't know. I know I was pushing a little and I'll totally back off now. Or maybe I should have asked questions to draw him out, but I couldn't think of where to go with that. Of course I want H to say he wants a better R too and will work for it, but I just get cautious detachment instead. Maybe it's safer that way for now.
Another appointment in two weeks then we made two appointments for the following consecutive weeks. Maybe he's still too deep in the fog. I don't know how to make him feel worthwhile if he doesn't want to be open with me. It feels like we're cousins, or people that have grown up together and have a deep affection but not the love attraction we'll need to have a renewed marriage.
